Why stay with someone who is making you miserable?

the costs are far to great.

Which do you value more? Choose wisely.
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That's a reality that I can't ignore in trying to find a way through.

Today it all hit me harder than usual. Usually, I can cuss under my breath, or even out loud and find relief.

Today is at the end of a progression of days in which I see things in my life, in my community/state, and nation as getting harder and harder to go forward with, absent the consideration of the person who I chose to be help many years ago.

I just hope you find a way to peace and tranquility without hurting yourself physically. I apologize for being a bit harsh, not my intention.

My life, her life, has like many other people's lives been visited by ups and downs

Today has been one of the downs and it caught me by surprise much more than usual. I really thought I was doing well, thinking about her, and having gone out of my way for her. Then with little notice it wasn't anymore.

And, distressingly as I ruminated on it, it is something of a string of downers I realize I've not gotten beyond. Maybe venting will have helped. I am not sure.

As the old saying goes, keeping it inside does way more harm than good. I'm close to you, knocking on 70's door, and have been married forever. We have this relationship that fluctuates, sometimes its 50/50, sometimes 60/40, and other times 70/30. What do I mean? Life is rarely 50/50, there is a give and take that must be adhered to, or all hell will break loose. It sounds like you are giving her 70/30 all the time, and that's not going to work forever.

Bottom line, vent (internally is best) and move on. Good luck.

Vent away! We need to be here for each other!

Regardless of the specifics of why she's freaking out, it's still abuse towards you.

I don't know your situation but it sounds like your spouse needs some therapy themselves.

Glad you came here to vent before taking the scissors out. Hugs, plz feel free to vent...

I'm sorry to say this, but this kind of behavior is abusive. I don't know the answers, because I don't know your situation. But, I do know emotional abuse when I hear it. Can you leave this person safely? Can you contact some kind of domestic abuse hotline?

Be sure and tell her just how you feel. Nobody should have to live like that. It makes me appreciate what the song said, “the upside of lonely”. Sometimes I don’t like living by myself all the time but mostly I know it’s better for my health

(Edit: Sorry, I initially wrote "roommate". My brain saw "partner" but read it as "roommate". Since it's a long-time partner that makes the situation even more complicated.)

That's bullying behavior and, though I don't know her, it reads like she understands you are vulnerable so feels "safe" in her bullying.

I wish I knew the answer but if you are a kind and sensitive person, as you obviously are, it's so very hard to live with a toxic person. Advice like "just let it roll off your back" is easier said than done.

I believe there are people whose brains are wired to be overly empathetic and they can't just turn that off. You seem like that type of person so your partner's toxic behavior hits extra hard.

You have every right to be upset because what you are describing is abusive behavior. Please don't punish yourself, though (again) I know that is easier said than done.

Maybe it’s time you told her you can’t take her BAD behavior much longer. Her finger pointing and blame game would have run me off a long time ago. She is obviously so self absorbed she can’t see what her chronic haranguing is doing to you (or care, apparently).

I would go move my car and keep on driving.

Don’t punish yourself, SAVE yourself.

At 71 with mixed importantly mixed finances, doing anything looks a lot like more self-harm

I've had a lot of sessions on self-harm and it always came down to I'm an adult man, do I want to hurt myself again? Very very little help on a way forward. So at 71, I spend my days away from her.

The first step of not being triggered is AVOIDANCE of triggers. I typically do that all day long and then come back to face my repetitive reality.

As much as possible. I'm supposedly getting ten yrs of his pension. Plus what's in his accounts. He is very helpful in a lot of ways. So there's that. Hopefully my small pension will kick in on 2 yrs.

Its not easy

Its abuse

The downside of that, is my partner believes it's me being abusive rather than defensive.

I know from earlier efforts at therapy where the therapists tend to side.

To pay rent and bills. I try to avoid. Its awful. And I'm sick. My situation is horrible and i long for something to change. It will, but when

I've been at this for 27 years. Always telling myself I can do better toward her, and cope better for myself.

On days like today... well I try to find a way to the day after tomorrow.

You sound like you need some tools to negotiate your relationship. If not, there are some good books that offer tips on how to set boundaries in your life. I'm sorry you are suffering.

ain't it?

I find that in the moment I should've thought and reached out for a coping tactic, that was the LAST thing on my mind.

That's really not a knock on what you said, which I appreciate.

But rather it's a reflection of how it feels. Protection of your core when it's been slashed by some thoughtless probably insignificant act in the long run, is the cognitive first priority. Dealing with the problem like an adult is secondary.

I find I never get past these things without a heaping helping of guilt for not doing it "right".

And they series of priority seems to be one of the important cross-wirings of the problem.

Venting is healthy. What your partner is doing to you is not. Mental & emotional abuse are no less abusive just because there are no physical scars (created by the abuser).

I don't know you, but I'm glad you came here first before you used the scissors. Your partner might not appreciate you, but other people do.

for dropping it on all those helping in the thread.

We all need to vent sometimes. There's no shame in it, nor should there be.

Then tell her that you want to live alone and you deserve peace at your age.

I had to set really restricted boundaries with my own sister last year when she got really abusive verbally and emotionally. I love her but cannot stand to spend much time around her. Sometimes it is necessary so that we can survive and thrive. There is no need to continue to put up with abuse from someone who thinks they have a ticket to do so and no apologies.

But for me it's an unrealistic option

Ya I know, that makes me an uncooperative asshole that turns down good advice.

Toxicity in relationships is very unhealthy, mentally and physically. I wish you well; both of you.

Hopefully that's not another burden on you, but the similarities to what you describe are striking.
Constant car damage.
Constant failure ON YOUR PART, while she has never done anything wrong in her life.
Much much more.
We went to *couples therapy*, the counselor had a private session with me and told me "I can tell she is lying about almost everything. I can't see this counseling helping you out at all".
So I had to file for divorce, no options, life was hell plus she was going to kill somebody with the car some day. But I was only 38 at that time. After she moved out, I went to the ATM (we had agreed to keep everything cool about money til divorce) and found out that I did not have a penny to my name. Thus began the year that I had to live on PBJ sandwiches and never have more than one light bulb on in the house, ever.
Sorry, I'm rambling, so much more to this, but the bottom line is, if she is an alcoholic, you are her victim, and she will NEVER let up on you unless she gets sober and deals with things as a sober adult.
My best buddy is in this exact same predicament right now, but lucky for him, his company paid him a huge settlement for him to train an entire department of his company with people they recruited from Mexico, so that they could move that department to Mexico, paid him his severance pay and a big bonus. It was in the 6 figures. So he just moved out of their apartment in Los Angeles, and went back to Nebraska for a while, living at his parent's house, and having a great time restoring all of his grandfather's farm tractors to showroom condition. She has been dead drunk every time he has checked in with her since. But few of us would ever get that lucky.
Otherwise, you're probably trapped right now. But if she begins to PHYSICALLY ABUSE YOU you have to get help right away, it's crucial!
Best of luck to you and, oh, by the way, I have now remained aggressively single for 34 years!

There are moments when that is entertaining. But like today, those moments are hard to cling to...

Her father died before she was born, her mom moved back into a rowhouse in now historic Pullman Illinois with her grandfather and two unmarried aunts. She had a life of poverty enriched by 4 adults, but I suppose it was also somewhat in service to the world those 4 adults percieved.

This will sound harsh I suppose, but, her world, as I bump into it exists as HER perceived world. It is real in her consciousness built around her needs, interests and wants. Even if those things are unspoken. Our interactions often hang up on her expecting me to know what is in her thoughts, rather than just her comments. Of course, as much as I know her after decades, I cannot really know what she thought or "meant" to say which she may later feel is more important reality compared to what she said.

“When you’re ready to speak to me in a respectful tone of voice I’ll be happy to talk but, not until then.”
Then walk away & go about your business.

- Sounds like a little therapy would help too to get the two of you out of this pattern.

- Best of luck!

Even if it’s a hotel on the other side of town. Give yourself 48 hours of peace and give her 48 hrs to see how it feels. 3 whole days and nights without her ridiculous, unkind, neurotic behavior might reset both of you.
Sorry that’s all I’ve got but I’m thinking of you and sending good vibes to you. 💖

I could also turn myself in to the VA hospital's mental health unit. I don't think I will do that either.