I post here too much. But I'm pulling back. They got their own problems. No one wants to hear others' problems. ETA and no one wants to feel they're bugging ppl. Doesn't feel good

It took me years of bolstering by online friends to figure out how to get out and support myself—and then DO IT.

Complicating his personality disorder, he compounded the weirdness by suddenly becoming super religious—like… bizarrely so. His friend/boss had lured him into one of those goofy non-denominational “churches” (think holy rollers but with no outside organization to keep the leaders in check—Florida is FULL of them) and his attempts to dominate the household went into overdrive. He’d claimed to be an atheist like me, but his family had roots in some pentecostal crap and he was apparently easy to lure back.

It seemed so impossible. My mum (halfway across the country) gave me the money to sign up for a medical transcription course—a job I could do at home so I wouldn’t have to worry about wardrobe, child care, transportation, etc. By some lucky break, a friend of his asked him to house-sit for a month, which was perfect timing for my graduating and getting that first job. By the time he tried to come back, I invited him to get lost, eventually filed for divorce, and after two years of pretending he wanted joint custody, I was free. Of course, I was awarded 20 years of alimony and he’s stiffed me on 17 of those… but I’m FREE! That black cloud that walked in the door at the end of every work day to make our lives miserable was gone!

What had seemed like such an impossible feat before I took that step seemed like a short hop when I looked back. What tf was I waiting for? Why did I let him ruin our lives for that long? I let him ruin my self esteem and may never recover that. (Final decree in 2005 and I haven’t even been brave enough to think about dating again, which sucks.) I let him subject the kids to a guy who was never satisfied with any of us. (They turned out great, thankfully, and have chosen to avoid their “sperm donor” ever since.)

I suspect your family is frustrated because you’re letting this guy get away with abusing you. They’re undoubtedly tired of worrying about the endless drama. At some point, you have to ask yourself why you don’t deserve better, and DO something about it. You say your family are making you feel “crummy,” but why is that worse than staying with someone you describe as a drunken abuser?

Do you have kids who are also being subjected to this? Is it physical or emotional abuse? (I found emotional abuse more deeply devastating.) What kind of people will they grow up to be with an abusive relationship as their role model? Can you foresee where you’ll end up if you let yourself be isolated completely with this person? Is your life in danger?

I empathize painfully with where you are. Unlike me, though, you have family who can help bolster you if you’re ready to make a change for the better. You DESERVE better, and you need to start convincing yourself of that. Once you set your sights on a different future, it’ll fall into place. Make a plan, work toward it, and it will happen. Seriously, you can do it.

My sister listened the most, so I'll give props to her. Today I told her she's got enough problems and I won't be sharing anymore.

No kids.

Cousin I have no clue. I've been there for her. She couldn't get off a day for my surgery. I truly needed her help.

Thinking of women's shelters when dental is done. Ty for sharing your story. Glad you're doing better.

I'm more comfortable talking here than my own family.

You are worth it.

only to control you and your reactions. So, if you are feeling frustrated it might help to step back and think about what is next.

Try to break things down into smaller pieces so they aren't overwhelming. If family is stressful, just take a break. You don't have to explain anything to them. They'll be there when you are ready to try dealing w/them again.

If the partner is really the root of the issue it may be time to start researching exit strategies. I was lucky when I left my narcissistic first husband because I was the bigger earner - this was many years ago. I moved out, found an attorney, and mostly stayed at work (more money, plus we had excellent security in that building).

I'm not sure if you work now, or are able to? There may be shelters in your area if you don't have funds. I was able to use resources at a local shelter in terms of finding support groups etc. But they also had places to stay for folks who just needed to get out for safety reasons and didn't have funds.

Worried about becoming homeless. My cousin had a large house and earns a lot of money.

So, my shrink said reach out to relatives to see if anyone would have my back of things get tough. I was, based on our relationship, expecting to hear... don't worry, we'll figure something out... I have your back...nope. i got an ovory-tower lecture about what causes homelessness. Lack of money also causes it. It was an eye-opener

Which would be great... if you had what would normally be called a 'family'.

Some of us don't. And, it is for the better.

I am not a fan of being alone. But, it is better to be alone than to live with a illusion. And, that 'family' thing is an illusion to many of us.

Has a cleaning lady. More than enough room in one bedroom that I could live in temporarily. I cannot drive to see her 2 hrs away bc I have an unreliable car. She drives to see me, which she apparently resents. However, I've been with her driving hrs out of the way to visit one of her friends. One "friend" she complained about was ignoring her and doing things wo her etc.

We had to drive into the fucking boonies to visit her last year.

It took me a lot of nerve to work up to asking if, should something happen, I could rely on her and the response wasnt what I was expecting. This has been a real slap in the face I'm still reconciling and accepting. She's been rude to me the last few yrs. Really hurt me a few times.

Had she asked me, with my meager assets, i would not have given her a lecture on the underlying causes of homelessness. I was in the gritty middle of it.

I would have said don't worry. We can figure out something. Got your back. I'm here for you. I'm awaiting her not visiting me this year for my birthday. Bracing for that.

This song gives me comfort in such times. It might for you.

Relative is not fun

As Ricky points out, they are all the 'losers' (even though society sees them as the 'elite' in some cases) and it is not worth your time to be worrying about them any more. You have people here that are holding you and disconnecting from those people who spew nothing but negativity will help you in the long run.