Nine days until I 'celebrate' alone.

The hubby reminded me that he will be working on Christmas Day because he had traded with the other baker to have Thanksgiving day off. So, I will sit here alone.

I am now staring at the stack of Christmas cards that I got but cannot mail because I don't have the money to do it. ('Stack' is a relative term... there are six of them.). I am also dwelling on the fact that I cannot get my husband anything, even though he has specifically said he wanted something. It is tough to find, but I did manage to find one that is not so damned expensive. It doesn't matter though, as I cannot afford to get it.

I drive the 'classic' car we now have (according to most auto people, a 'classic' is a car that is twenty years old. Ours will be that this coming year. We are not car enthusiasts, and cannot afford to upkeep such a vehicle, evening it was in pristine shape, which it was not. It was a desperate action brought on by a desperate situation) , a vehicle that is and wonder when it is going to give up the ghost. It won't matter when it does happen, because we cannot afford to do anything about it. If we lose the car, we are pretty much lost. The 'last action' of just throwing everything away and getting the hell out of here would be gone. Plus, I doubt I could do that anyway. There are days when I can barely walk around. I can feel my heart almost daily now. My back is also starting to act up. Of course, none of this matters either... because, you guessed it, I cannot afford to address any of it.

How the fuck did this happen? Why did everything I touched crumble and die, leaving me with nothing and unable to even support myself, much less anyone else? Why did a career that everyone agreed was what I should be doing decide to change so drastically right when I was going into it? (Except my mother... she never liked the idea. If I had become the next De Niro or something, she might have liked that because then she could boast about both of her sons. Oh well.). And, why did it have to change in a way that made it almost impossible to pursue it?

The only thing more upsetting than where I am is listening to those who have it better trying to tell me that I, too, will get that way. It's been sixty fucking years baby. Nothing related to humans takes that long. It is NOT going to happen, and I don't see why I cannot leave because of that. My fucking body won't let me end things, yet it is slowly doing exactly that. It is costing my husband everything because we only have his income. The state and the federal government could care less about me, and that is fine. I could care less about it these days, thanks to the constant evidence that I never stood a chance in our society anyway. That old trope about being born in the wrong time period... well, I used to find it humorous, but now I see that it is gospel.

I am sorry, but as I had said before, you people are all I have other than my husband. It is either let it all out here, or let it all out by running around my little apartment and screaming my head off. (Which is not a bad idea, but would get me either a visit from management, or a visit from the police.)

We have some here who feel as if the world is falling down around their ears thanks to the past decade. Well, now try it when that feeling has been your main brain activity since you hit the age of eighteen and got tossed out the door. Try it when you have to sit and watch the fact that everything you ever did means nothing to anyone. (At least, there doesn't seem to be any evidence that it did... so, what else can I conclude? That somewhere, one person might have had a positive experience with me? That in and of itself is beyond depressing. Only one? Only a few? How marvelous.)

Someone just recently posted that they did not feel that they would make it through three more years. I fucking know I don't have three years left in this train wreck of a body. Every day I lament the fact that I failed to end things three times already. The 'if onlys' are a bitch to deal with sometimes.

Again, I am sorry. I have to do this somewhere, and doing it here allows a level of documentation. That way, should I finally get some backbone...

Lastly, thanks for everything everyone here has done. I appreciate it very much.