I'm far older than 30, don't live with my parents, never made it to college aside from a ten-month secretarial school, but I've done the SSRIs and counseling and totally relate to your post.

If you need to blow off steam, this is a good safe place to do it.

I think you might have a deeper issue that's been overlooked by or not discussed with your mental health care providers. You may benefit from a different class of drugs than anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds.

From what I can gather, you've been on the med roulette game for at least ten years, but you've just tried different kinds of anti-depressants and not mood stabilizers or (don't get scared) anti-psychotics. Are you sure you're telling your doctors everything they need to know?

There is a small percentage of people who have depression who are unresponsive to medication. You're probably not one of them, but this idea should be discussed with your physician.

What leads me to believe that you might have a problem that is being overlooked is because it happens quite a bit in the mental health field, and for the period of time that you've been suffering after trying a certain class of medications...maybe it adds up to misdiagnosis. It happened to me. I was misdiagnosed as having clinical depression when I was 24, then suffered until I was 30 when I got the right diagnosis and the right meds. I have bipolar disorder.

Whatever the problem might be, your treatment so far has not helped you a great deal and it's been a long time. That's not right and something must be done about it.

I haven't had the best success with mental health professionals. I know there are some amazing people out there but I haven't met any yet. The first psychiatrist I saw was a real pill pusher. I don't mind taking medications at all but this guy really didn't want to listen to me about my issues much. It was all just "so how are you feeling this week". If I said not so good it would be off to try another medication. He rotated me through at least 4 different SSRIs and SNRIs in the space of about 3 to 4 months. I know that technically that gives enough time for each to take effect at the minimum interval of effectiveness but I also know many people take up to 6+ weeks to see a benefit from any particular medication. I also have seen a therapist, not a psychiatrist, who was a bit better but my problem with here was that she seemed to treat me as a fragile broken toy and never offered much in the way of actual therapy. To me a good therapist should be a compassionate yet professional individual who also offers concrete steps and suggestions.

As far as anti psychotics I did try some at extremely low doses as a form of booster to the SSRIs I was on. This seems to be a common prescription nowadays. But these are at much lower doses than you would take for bipolarism or psychopathy.

One annoying thing is that although we have universal healthcare here in Canada it only pays for visits to a psychiatrist. If you want to see a psychologist or therapist that largely has to come out of your own pocket. And they aren't cheap.

But you are right I should try to seek put another diagnosis. In fact I've never had a true formal diagnosis. I'm depressed that much is certain and I have some form of social or other anxiety. But the people I've seen professionally have largely taken this at face value, with a few questionnaires here and there.

Also, don't get psychosis and psychopathy confused. Psychosis, simply defined, is being out of touch with reality. Psychopathy, simply defined, is a lack of conscience. Psychopaths are closely attuned to reality, maybe even more so than their empathic prey. People suffering from psychosis can be dangerous, but they mostly just have trouble distinguishing what's real.

Intense depression and social anxiety were aspects of my illness. They were dealt with nicely and immediately with the introduction of an anti-psychotic at a strong level. I also had other indications that I was suffering from psychosis, though. I was hearing things that weren't there. I would go into states where I would be so absorbed in my thoughts that I would become almost oblivious to the outside world. I was paranoid.

I'm not saying you are suffering from psychosis. I have no way of knowing. But if any of that stuff rings a bell, you should definitely bring it up with your doctor.

You have an illness. Try not to beat yourself up, you are trying to work with and through an illness which is not easy. Focus on the next thing to help yourself. I have beaten myself up so much over the years, but that is futile, things improve when I focus on self-care.

Thoughts for you!!!!!

Asking yourself why am I so pathetic is in some ways an excuse not to do anything.

to determine how "so" inadequate inadequate is.

I do appreciate that the 'why' of your question may be of greater interest to you, but you may find that 'so' pathetic is actually not 'SO' terribly pathetic.

Self-assessment of this nature isn't particularly technical, most of what the assessment considers are fairly resistant to biased perception that can exist while feeling troubled. As always there is a risk of learning things which, if one is inclined to do so, could facilitate mimicry of symptoms and that would exacerbate rather than help.

Institutions/agencies use the assessment more than psychologists. And it seems that it's therapeutic use has diminished rather than strengthened. That could be for various reasons two of them being 1) the scale is rather more arbitrary and less quantitative than it appears, and 2) clients present with mixed features which therapists prefer to consider as a holistic blend to be interpreted thru their expertise and experience rather than in terms of a checkmark identifying the most severe feature or features.

Nonetheless, the mGAF is an external standard of comparison which may help you find more objective meaning of the "so", in your question.

Various authors and agencies have modified the Global Assessment of Functioning to facilitate making distinctions within the intervals of the scale. The link takes you to such a scale which is already reversed compared to the outline in the DSM and which has suggestions for how to find ranges within the intervals. Generally speaking assessment proceeds until criteria match the function of the person being assessed.


http://www.bjcbehavioralhealth.org/uploadedFiles/BJC_HealthCare/Clinical_Specialties/BJC_Behavioral_Health/ModifiedGlobalAssesmentofFunctioningmGAFScale.pdf

I have to take an SSRI, Wellbutrin AND Lamictal (an anti-seizure drug that has mood stabilizing properties). I also take a low dose of Seroquel, an anti-psychotic, to help me sleep. I also take hydroxizine for anxiety as needed. Maybe you should talk to your doctor about adding something to your SSRI.

for some reason. What is your diagnosis specifically? Bipolar or more regular depression?

My diagnosis is major depression with anxiety. Wellbutrin might be helpful for you because it increases dopamine, which is the neurotransmitter that affects motivation and satisfaction.

Like you I'm Canadian, though older. For years I hid the fact that I was gay from my wife and church, but recently came out about it. Believe me, you have your whole life in front of you so don't fret. Just be honest and you'll avoid all the pain I went through. I'm doing much better now, though I still have to give up drinking.

Fred Middel

I've had a bit to drink myself tonight and have yet to quit as well. Your statement that I have my whole life in front of me touched me particularly. I've heard the statement more than once before but it never stuck. I guess I've always felt the opposite, that I have no future in front of me. I'm sure that I will face many more obstacles to come but I thank you for your honest post !

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