It still crosses my mind from time to time but I'm not obsessed with the idea the way I was and to be honest I'm really not sure what made the difference.

There is a possibility that things will get better for you, I think most of us are our own worst enemy.

"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans." -John Lennon

Question is if I can make it that far without having a full breakdown. I hope so. Thanks.

Sounds like you have no way but up. I worked at a treatment center in the 90's and some of the lab values, on especially on older folks, were way off the mark. Crazy high liver function numbers from drinking. They will reverse as you quit binging.
We gave our new patients an injection of vitamin B1 which depleted in the body from helping the liver detox. Chronic depletion leads to a dementia called Korsakoffs Syndrome. You have to be hardcore for a lot of years to get what they call "wet brain". Anyway that makes me think, you might help your energy level with a vitamin B supplement. The B vitamins help your nerves in general and B 12 has a role in energy and certain anemia. It could be a start?

Glad you are venting. Sometimes a person just needs a sounding board and not a lot of free advice. God, love ya. You must be intelligent, you are here at DU. Your politics are correct, the rest will fall into place.

And knowing that the liver numbers will probably improve with time is comforting. We will see what else my Dr says to me this Tuesday. The extreme exhaustion and muscle soreness worries me though it may just be the severe depression and stress. I'll have to look into the B 12 supplements I've heard about this before in relation to depression.

I had an older coworker who drank himself silly, probably to death. From that I learned about Korsakoff's and wet brain. He suffered horribly emotionally after watching his wife die slowly of cancer.

They were supposed to be at the end minus Mr party hat.

You can say, "no, but I feel like hurting myself." Which like it or not, you are already doing that in one degree or another. Not that you should use this shortcut, but it's there.

(I hope some of my advice from another OP of yours is being applied.)

The last time I went tot the ER and they turned me away I thought of saying something like that. I've always been far too much of a literalist and always look at rules as if they are set in stone and aren't bendable. Much of this relates back to my perfectionism and anxiety.

I have stopped drinking. Haven't started eating better yet, though I know I have too.

i had hit rock bottom and knew i needed help. i called my ex and he picked my shit-drunk, half-naked, sobbing ass up off my living room floor and drove me to the er. i was in the same pretty close but not exactly place, but was so desperate to get out of my absolute hell in which i was living that i told them that yes, i was afraid i was going to hurt myself.

i am almost honest to a fault, but i knew the only solution was to lie. it was the single best decision i've ever made.

And they turned me away. Like you I'm honest to a fault.

I'm glad to hear that you are doing better and that you had a positive experience. I've heard some really bad stories about ER visits relating to emotional breakdowns. I guess the main thing they offer, even if in the long run it's not beneficial, is a short term vacation from your emotional hell. That certainly is very very helpful when you hit rock bottom!

best thing that could have happened for me.