I'm worried about you .Don't romanticize living on the street or doing a Jack Kerroac ON The Road (spelling ? ) thing it was probably fun in the late 50s and he was full of shit anyhow.

And again I tell myself that the reality would be hell. Summer might not be too bad but fall and winter around here would be a soggy cold mess. And of course it's dangerous out there, especially for the new guys. I've been dealing with a lot of physical and emotional exhaustion these last few months. I sleep 12 to 14+ hours a day and still only have energy to do a few small tasks. I'm seeing a DR about this but so far nothing definitive aside from bad liver enzyme numbers which are probably to do with binge drinking which I stopped for now. This exhaustion has made it even more difficult than normal to rationally think about things. For example I think to myself well if I'm going to end up on the street like this then I'll just start drinking again and between the exhaustion sleep and drinking I won't really care since I'll be asleep most of the time. But I know that wouldn't actually feel good.

I can't write about our daughter on line because I think its inappropriate even though I'm never much for being appropriate .

the mental illness becomes or creates a physical illness like eating disorders or drug use and abuse which are then sometimes called addictions . Our daughter is in bad shape which in turn makes me worry so much that I can't eat when it is very important to start eating after throat cancer....(bummer huh ? ) . I thought that if I died she would get shocked out of her stuff ( really stupid idea) while I was going thru cancer all my stuff came up when I was trying to figure out a reason to live thru the pain -----yada yada yada boring but then I realized death isn't such a mystery and we all love a good mystery don't we ?

I want my daughter to get better to make it thru this this life and I want to get better but can't think of a reason why because I can't remember ever being that magic happy they talk about for more than a few moments here or there and at the same time think that happyness
might be a scam to sell everything from designer teeth to inflatable bar stools .

I hate that phrase day by day but that may be all we get and its all we got . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz