marrying a nihilist has forced me to be so

You've made huge progress.

peace and low stress..

DH and i have been through a lot this last year and a half, nearly ending up divorced. we spent several months living in the same house, but considering the marriage over.
we got to just be who we were for a while. i didn't care if he didn't like dogs sleeping in the bed, it was my bed. i moved my parrots out of the laundry room, and into my office. he stopped for a beer on his way home from work if he wanted. we just detangled ourselves.
then some things came along that we had planned before, and we did them anyway, and it was fun because we didn't care whether the other was having fun. we were our own persons.

i didn't have what you are dealing with exactly, but what i did have was a person full of fear. mostly fear of abandonment, from childhood, and fear that our choices together were all mistakes. but above all, fear that i did not really like him.
somehow, we let the air out of that fear, and everything changed. we didn't need to jockey for position any more. we didn't need to hide feelings, or worry about what was hidden. out of that came trust. real trust.

he sounds terrified to me. you can't make him do anything, but maybe you can hold his hand in his fear. help make it safe for him to come out of where he is.

tell him i said to stop suffering needlessly. he can't possibly have done anything to make him deserve this.

and you do what you have to do. get out of the house. do new things. do things you wanted to do, that he didn't.

i am trying to be as gentle and loving as possible and i am holding his hand and guiding him the best i can. i am going to take as active a role in his treatment as he will let me.

we had another breakthrough last night, though, when he finally opened up to the possibility of taking meds to manage this. he said it will be an absolute last resort, but that's better than his absolute refusal to ever take them and all in the course of a couple days.

had a good talk with my therapist yesterday and then went to dinner and the theater with my family and some friends last night. i was a bit worried about leaving home by himself given his frame of mind the last few days, but i had a really good time.

when he is ready i will tell him that there are people he doesn't even know thinking about him and wishing him the best.

of trying to be part wife and part caretaker for someone who was very ill and not available, really, to be in a marriage.

To the extent that I can or will recover. The depression is stil around, my immune system seems to be a little better, the finances are still frightening. I'm probably lucky I didn't get killed.

I guess when I read your posts, the question, "is he even available to be in this marriage" keeps popping up and I wonder how my life would be different today had I asked myself that question earlier, or if I'd had the support to ask it at all.

and i don't know that he's available right now. however, i am seeing positive change and, if that continues, i think he will be once this is under control.

i am very lucky to have the support system i have, i know they will stand with me through this and during whatever comes.

... seemed to be dancing to weezer.



I think I've spent my entire life falling through the cracks. Too much money to qualify for assistance, not quite enough to pay for what I need. I do get what I need, but I don't always pay on time... thus my very low credit score.

i need to do some more research on what resources might be available that i'm not aware of. i've navigated this system enough times to know i'm probably not missing anything, but don't know until i look