Depression, anxiety, OCD and PTSD. It's a battle every day. But it is one I intend to keep on fighting.

cymbalta working well. pain meds not so much, suffering from nsaid burn. carpal tunnels fixed, tho, so lowering the daily dose of oh shit.
but, hanging tight, fighting the good fight.

the news was a kick in the head, tho. wondering who else felt that way.
so seductive. makes you jump.

I have an elderly dog and 2 elderly cats, I knew/know I am the one who takes best care of them. Last November/December sucked for me big time

a neuropathy in my arm has been bumping up against my carpal tunnel, and my right arm has been a pain in the ass for 2 years. pain pills scorched my intestines, lost a lot of weight, woke up my gravel-y gall bladder, yeah. like that.

plus some persistent bronchitis.

but those critters keep us moving. my biggest dog follows me everywhere i go, is always there, and sleeps as curled up by me as his big ass can get.
pretty sure i would not be here without him. (and so, the stbx wants to claim "his" dog. who could barely pick him out of a line up.)

but trudging i am. still.

They never get over it. Survivor's guilt is real.

We are close to a family whose son committed suicide after two tours in Iraq. That was seven years ago. They will never be the same. His sister was in my daughter's wedding. She mentioned her brother. I have told her never to be reluctant to discuss her brother around me.

My son was close to the young man, too. I see the pain in his face quite often when the guy's name comes up. My son does work for suicide prevention now. At least that much good came out of it.

unfortunately, when you divorce a person without conscience, they manipulate them away from you.
they have behaved atrociously.

but, the day he walked out was the first day of a new life. whatever it brings, i know it cant be as bad as having the next temper tantrum hanging over your head at all times.

That happened to my brother, too. Three of his four children have come around, now that they are in their thirties. Her siblings think that the fourth one will change her attitude at some point. There is hope!

My brother is someone who has had everything taken from him, including his health. He does not believe in reincarnation, but if there is such a thing, he will come back as a person who has it all, or as a very pampered pet!

a dog with a life like one of mine. spoiled kids, they are.

i suppose they will come around, but the thing is, it will never be the same. a betrayal at this level is just not something that heals without some major surgery.
i have apologized to them for my failings many times. i suppose major surgery might involve them accepting those apologies.

i just cant wait for it to be over. i see my lawyer wed to talk about what we want. there is plenty there to take care of me. the stress, tho. i have lost 40 lb. i have not been this small since before my first kid. i feel reedy. like i am fading.

when it ends, i get to start getting my strength back, tho, and i also know who my really true friends are now. cold consolation, but....

thx muriel. i love this little place.
even tho i know the cave dwellers do too. craig

And PTSD. I have some OCD around collecting and random fixations. I can't let go of stuff physical and emotional.

I usually think of posting when I'm feeling misunderstood or overwhelmed. Then I think I'll look like a whiner so I suck it up. I think it's my English blood that makes me want to stuff my feelings.

I have a laughable amount of self help books. And I've been a psych tech and a psych nurse. My lot in life to be on both ends of things.

not easy. After all I am 'crazy' 0

What other people think of me. But I have about as thin as skin can be with out osmosis. I'm really sensitive. I want people to like me. I want to help when I can.

I swear all that is a set up to have my feelings decimated by one mean crack on the internet or IRL.

I know better. And I work on it all the time.


What other people think about me is none of my business.

Also, so insecure, I just figure no one is going to give a crap what I have to say anyway. A true life experience, unfortunately.

Just like talk therapy, writing stuff out gets it out of your head and down on paper. It's therapeutic.
You can't be very attached to an out come of expecting people to respond on a message board. You take your chances on being noticed and responded to.

i have been uncontrollably venting here and there, telling the stories, and i tell people-
i cant help it. it is my celtic roots. i am a story teller. i sing the song of my people!

But the depression is fairly well in the background.

Depression is a beast of no reason, a painful absence of light and warmth.

To be sad at times is to be alive. Depression is not sadness.

I've suffered uncontrolled depression when everything was going right for me and when everything was going wrong. There's no sense to be made of depression, it's just something that is, something I deal with, little different than asthma or arthritis.

It's my good fortune that past therapy and my daily meds generally keep the asthma, depression, and OCD at a level of minor irritation, not something life-threatening. But I've been in the life-threatening places, and there are no assurances it can't happen again.

Over the years I've maintained a social "safety net" of relationships but I'm not always an easy person to live with and have been known to burn bridges behind me. Sigh.

((hunter))

i cant help doing that lately. so much change.
but hey, what good is a friend that is not there when you need them, whoever it is you are when you need them?
now that it is pouring rain in my life, i see who the fairweather friends are. good to see the back of them.

I have major depression, all the anxiety disorders and probably PTSD, from childhood sexual abuse. Meds don't work for me. I'm having a very difficult time with Robin William's passing. I never get emotional over a celeb's death. But, I can't stop thinking about how bad it must have been for him to (supposedly) take his own life. I think about suicide every day. And all I have are two cats that keep me going through this nightmare. He had a wife. And children. How tormented must he have been. My heart is just breaking for him and I can't stop crying.

I am not a believer in the 'suicide being selfish' theory. So, please don't go there. My sister ended her pain the only way she knew how. I will end mine the only way I know how, as well.

Sorry for making this a blubbering whatever.

Can seem really personal because it is like we know them. Sorry you are taking this so hard. He was brilliant.

Although Robin Williams was an exceptional person. I guess it just brought many thoughts and feelings back about this lovely little thing we call 'life'. Thank you.

I kept my self going for my elderly furries.....November and December for me were hard. The animals would not be taken care of as they have become accustomed to with out me, so I stayed for them. The dog is now sitting on the porch with me watching fireflies.

One of just a few happy moments from long ago. No, our furry loves would not be happy at all if they weren't with us. I think about this a lot. My tortie girls are about 10 and sometimes I think I have such a long way to go. Before I can go? I certainly won't be able to bear it.

But, you and your puppy sitting on the porch together makes me smile. I hope you are smiling, too.

cant grow the darn things here. always get worms. i tried for years, and grew just about every color. my personal fave is the deep purple and the maroon. i have a thing about red flowers. especially dark reds.

def of the generation that saw him and his weirdness take off. i guess it made me feel a little more normal and accepted to see that.
hits my kinda hard because he was 63, just a little older than me. i feel like life will be settling down for me, then i saw that, and thought, shit, i am just kidding myself about it all.
i feel like i am heading for some peace, having burned everything down so i can start over. i feel like it has something to do with my age. and then......

please keep trying to feel better tho, tgc. i think i tried a half dozen ad's before i found one that worked. it is so good to see that pit of despair behind me. it has really helped my enjoy the joy that i DO have. that has really made a big difference. because that joy was ALWAYS there. i just couldnt access it reliably. i could grab a moment here and there, but now i can really suck it up.
please take care of yourself.

Meds are working really well for the most part but every now and then I still have my moments. ((Hugs)) to everyone in this group.

I got moments to be sure.
I am sad he chose as he did yesterday and early this morning.

bipolar II and have been great with the meds, but i had an anxiety attack this morning out of the blue. it's been months since i've had one and it was really disconcerting.

heard the news at work, but now that i'm home it's really starting to hit. i hope he has found peace.

please may I say.....you had a lot of bad stuff happen lately.....be kind to yourself.

not only did the pain keep me up, but the painkillers have given me whacked out dreams. i haven't needed them for close to a week, but i'm still feeling the effects. i need to drink more water to help flush the crap out.

i'll start feeling better once my sleep evens out.

those weird dreams are usually pretty restful for me. but if you are waking up during them, ie remembering them vividly, that is all bad.
sorry for the backslide you are on, but you will be fine. you will be back on track soon.

you hang in there.

I've been treated for years with low-dose Prozac, and I don't know if it helps much, but since I've starting taking it faithfully again I haven't had the passive suicidal thoughts. I also take clonazepam for restless leg syndrome, and I think it has a secondary effect of keeping the anxiety at bay.

I've considered suicide. What keeps me here is that my precious gray-faced dog would miss me. Also, there would be no life insurance payout and my husband couldn't afford our mortgage payment without my income. Another thing is that one of the worst times of my life was when my mom died, and I don't want to put my kids through that.

Robin Williams' death has hit me like a ton of bricks. I am so sad that he couldn't see a better day ahead.

My diagnosis is major depression, moderate. I guess that's the difference between moderate and severe: I know that the bad days pass and I can hold on by my fingernails until that happens.

my old critters kept me here.....

Wide awake.
I see both my therapist and psychiatrist today. I haven't seen either in months as I've been out if the county.
Dx with depression, emotional internalization disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder.
My marriage is collapsing.
Oh, and my dad just found out he has cancer.

Good times.

my marriage fell apart in because of my depression. if you want to talk PM me.

The last two days, I've felt incredibly dead inside.
The joy I experienced while traveling and experiencing this summer evaporated as soon as I got home.
Sigh.

such a shame to see a marriage collapse around illness. or like mine, around my gaining my health, and having to break out of sick old patterns.
so hard to maintain through such shifting landscapes.

are you near your dad? are you close? all too much, period. but i hope it is not too complicated by distance, physical or emotional.

My dad's cancer isn't serious, as they caught it pretty early. But any cancer in a 60+ year old man is enough to make one nervous. My dad and I had a more complicated relationship when I was younger, but it's a bit better now.

My marriage is collapsing because I've changed over the course of our 14 year relationship. I think my partner sees it coming, but it's really hard to try and talk to him (my therapist called it the difference between death by a thousand cuts or a quick cut, figuratively speaking of course). But I'm in a stalemate now, feeling trapped in a corner; trapped by my own fear. It really sucks.

Thanks for the thoughts.

and I was in public......so I came home and I will return to fight the bank Monday. I will fight on....

we just have to do what we can do. sometimes, things just dont go according to plan. back monday is the perfect answer.

???
i hear ya, tho. i changed. i quite playing the game. it all fell apart.

hang in there.