I was my mom's caregiver for the last ten years and after she died about 6 months ago, I can't seem to redefine myself.

My mom and I have had a bumpy relationship, but I cannot imagine a life with out her in it.

It is not that I miss her so much, but I do on so many levels. It is just that I was confined to take care of her and now that I can do more, I just don't know how to start. I feel paralyzed and majorly, clinically depressed.
I don't eat enough or do enough physical activity such that just running a few errands stresses me out. I'm only good for about 2 hours before I have to get back into bed. I've never been this bad. Even as a depressed person this is unusual.

I am back on Lexapro. I go on and off as things happen. I have been going to the gym 3 times a week and stopped in June. I always hit the tanning booth for good ole Vit D and then hit the elliptical for 30-60 minutes. I had a doctors appointment and she noticed I was a little pale. I told her I was doing nothing, just laying around, hardly ever getting dressed except to get the mail etc. She started me back on the Lexapro again. I am 3 weeks into it and started whistling to myself again. I had forgotten that I used to do that all the time.

I would stay in bed all dam day and night except to brush my teeth and go potty. I can't wait to start going back to the gym. I figure another couple of weeks. Thank god the generic is very cheap for me.

Is Lexapro different than Prosac or Paxil? I didn't respond well to those two drugs.

Lexapro (escitalopram) is an antidepressant belonging to a group of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors like Prozac.

Just a different chemical. It is the one recommended for people taking drugs for their heart and other things because it has very few interactions.

SSRIs are not for me. They don't seem to help they just take away all emotions even the good ones, in me.

Paxil is the drug from hell as far as I am concerned. It almost destroyed me.

As someone who lost her mother not long ago, and struggled on and off with depression her whole life, it sounds

like you could benefit from seeing a counselor or therapist to discuss your feelings, ESPECIALLY if you don't have

a good support system now -- Don't try and go this alone.

They think I am going to take care of all the estate type things. I can't. I can't even cut the grass at her old house. I told my brother to just sell it to one of the bottom feeders that buy homes but he wants more money but expects me to fix it up because I took care of my mom rather than working. Six months later he has never visited that house or done anything to put it on the market.

I just get, "Hope you feel better". It is clinical depression. I'm not suddenly going to feel better.

I hope the goddamn house burns to the ground.

as in "Look -- I am NOT going to fix it up -- I am clinically depressed* -- The house will have to be your responsibility. Period.

Sometimes one must be very firm with people.

Having said this, I am not a professional, and if you are clinically depressed, you need to be talking to a professional,

not clueless siblings making demands upon you.

I have BEEN clinically depressed, so I speak from experience -- You need to talk to someone who understands

what you're going through and who can help you deal with it.

From experience, I'm strongly advising you not to put it off, as it can get worse without help.

He is clueless. My sister who can't drive has come up a few times when I called her and told her I was desperate just dropped it again. I don't know what they are thinking?

Well, there is more money at stake this next week and my cheap brother may get serious about it when he understands the money involved. I just don't really care. I should have been able to figure things out for the better but that is what depression is. You just don't care. I just can't get out of bed in the morning.

that you have no energy to deal with the property, not to mention the family members involved.
Sounds as though you have some anger as well - no judgment, just pointing out the fact.

Since family seems recalcitrant re their share of the labor in settling the estate, it might be helpful to write, or have written for you by an attorney, where you stand.
I'm assuming you are not the executor, or, if you are, you can either refuse the appointment or pay to have a third party (lawyer or other qualified person) do it for you.

I wish you well, and concur with those who suggest you get professional help.

I went through the exact same thing after being my mother's caregiver. The bulk of her small estate was in the house. I was in no state to get it ready, so I moved out and went back to work. He did all the work in terms of getting it cleaned out and doing some minor upgrades that made it show much better. We agreed that I (and my niece, the other heir) would pay him for his work, and we split expenses on the things that needed to be purchased, like a new stove. When he finished I asked him how much he wanted for his labor and he said $3K. Oddly enough, I was thinking the same amount.

I have an old friend who is a real estate agent and he gave us lots of advice. He ran the comps for the neighborhood, but he also walked through all the houses that were for sale at the time in the area. It was built in 1965 and while it didn't have its original avocado green carpet, it did look pretty dated. We did some things he suggested and DIDN'T do the things he said would be a waste of money. He suggested a listing price with the caveat that we could ask a little more, but it would be a slower sell. Since the proceeds were being divided by 3, we went with the lower price. It sold in 3 weeks!

If you can't get your siblings to get the house ready (after all, you did your time as your mothers caregiver) then hire someone to do an estate sale. They will take a percentage of the proceeds. Check with churches that have thrift shops in your area. They often take care of estates sales with the understanding that whatever is left over, they can sell in their thrift shop.

Do you have any friends or other family members (like cousins) who can talk to your siblings and tell them to get with the program? You cannot do this all by yourself.

Last edited Fri Nov 6, 2015, 11:10 AM - Edit history (1)

exposes self-esteem as an outcome of self-judgement.

Feeling like you should have/could have be doing more is somewhat symptomatic of depression. It's an assessment, and saying to yourself I'm not a very good person because I haven't accomplished better easily follows from that. It's a judgment of self.

Groucho Marx told a joke about a guy who says to his Dr, "It hurts when I do this", and the Dr's famous reply is "Then don't do that".

There's a thing called non-judgmental mindfulness which is related to that. Being aware without the painful self-judgement is part of that.

Not that long ago, I loved to travel, and I kept a journal of the trips. Rereading some of those entries, I could recall the feelings of those trips, I felt happy, amazing and almost sassy in enjoying my life. I also had the luxury of time yesterday to read and journal about my current feelings and I realized I felt that I deserved failure now; a counterbalance to the good times before I got hurt @ work and then got sick.
I understand that moving away from the current emotional state into a more balanced life will take time, I didn't lose my mind in one day, I won't regain anything in one week.
A bit rambling, but I still want to hear how others deal with this.

I suppose there might be a variety of things whose very existence provides evidence contrary to the view of life from inside an episode of depression.

and joke myself out of it by trying to see how others see me.This makes no sence but but it helps me to realize I am not invissable yet.