the impact of depression on marriages.

i got a phone call the other day from you favorite nephew telling me that his wife of 20 years had filed for divorce.
his wife has been fighting a long term battle w depression. she had bad postpartum episodes after all 3 of their kids. she has struggled to be a working mom, including grad school and then a full time job.
nephew is a creative whose work life has been a little checkered, as it usually is. lots of freelance jobs, and a pretty long stint as mr mom.

from our past conversations, i really recognize her feelings as just like mine during my long, now ended, marriage. i tried to let him know a little more about the view from her side. i know he took it to heart.
but i think that she is dealing with the feelings of being trapped, which depression does to you. and the feelings of wanting your s.o. to rescue you, which, of course, and as unrealistic as they are understandable.

he is still trying to talk her out of it. but i can say that both the ex and i are starting over w new people (still pretty new, but delicious so far), and the weight of all those years has been lifted from both our shoulders. it is a glorious thing.
i am sure he will find someone new. he is a sweet, funny guy, and still cute. it will be tough on the kids, all in their teens. thankfully i think he has been present in their life enough that they will not fall victim to whatever divide and conquer games might play out between them as they go through all this.

i know in my case there was no way to heal all those wounds. i felt trapped, and that made him feel trapped, too. every little thing carried the weight of years of struggle for control. there was no way to just give, or take, anything any more.
but understanding it doesnt make the whole fucking mess any less painful. such a fucking waste.
damn these broken brains.