Glad you came here.

Never been part of a community before. I appreciate the kindness.

So, thanks for spilling the beans, you've already made a successful move in doing so.

You are clearly intelligent and you know what else you are? Self Aware.

I too, am self aware of my own issues and I find that it is a blessing and a curse. What do I mean?

Well, self awareness allows us to step outside of the box of our mind and acknowledge the fact that our emotions are because of something else, and not ourselves. We are not fully in control of our minds and YET, because of that self awareness, we're capable of observing our pain rather than being FULLY controlled by it.

It does certainly handicap us at times, but because of our ability to rationalize, we can live with it.

That's the blessing part. And I do know the curse, as I'm sure you do as well. But I'm not here to slog you down with the bad that we already know. I want to reassure you of the strengths that we both have that we both have to be reminded of at times.

Just to relate, I too, have been a victim of sexual abuse, and I suffer from hyper cycling rapid bipolar disorder. My parents were basically separate all my life, they'd just spend their days watching TV in opposite sides of the house. We never ate at a dinner table together and I constantly witnessed "divorce scares" as I called them. They physically fought, I feared for my mothers life on many occasions.

But here I am and here we are! We're still breathing, we have not truly lost at all! May we never lose sight of that!

I send you electronic hugs from my keyboard now!

You're right about coming clean. This support has made me tear up and made me feel something positive for once.

Thank you so much.

And it is through my love for my fellow persons that I feel fulfilled.

We are all one.

But DU can be and often is, a family. Reaching out here is a good idea.

Stick with the psychiatrist is my first thought. Being an MD and hopefully a healer of minds is a good combo, esp. since you have physical issues that complicate your mental ones. Hopefully he will find some drugs that will work.

My second thought is that you're not alone. Hopefully reaching out here will bring others with similar histories here to help you and themselves.

I'm sure you're tired of all this. You may be thinking suicide might be a good option. Some folks call it a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Not having walked in your shoes, I hope your problems are truly temporary, even though they sure don't look like it now. Give the psychiatrist some time. Tell him what you're thinking. Don't hold back. Let him see your pain and how it impacts your whole life, mental and physical.

And I apologize if I sound condescending; I sure don't mean to. Please take care of yourself. You have gifts that maybe you're not aware of yet. You need them...so do we.

Just to know people do care to some degree.... helps a lot.

You had a lot of great advice. Sometimes (most of the time, perhaps), I'm too stoic for my own good, afraid of showing weakness. Afraid that my own fears that no one will care will be confirmed perhaps. But today you've proven that fear wrong.

So thank you.

agree w others that this is a good place to reach out.
also agree to hang in w the shrink for a while. the trial and error process can be grueling, but when it works it makes a world of difference. mountains can turn back into molehills.
even if all he can do is get a grip on the anxiety, it will help to get you more functional.

do you/can you have pets? a dog might be a big help. it makes it a lot easier to get acquainted w people, and dog people tend to be nice folks. dont know how i would have survived my divorce w/o my dogs. not just the empathy they give you, but the feeling of safety that a big dog brings means a whooooole lot.

hang in there. good luck. stick around. this is the warmest place on du.

Alas, I'm in an apartment complex that doesn't allow them.

Have a cat though. Got an older cat that was stuck at the humane society for over a month. Figured he could use a home and I could use a friend. He's a bit demanding, but it's been nice to have some one there. Just wish I had there wherewithal to slow my day down and clean the fur off my clothes as opposed to rushing through life.

Honestly, having a relationship with my feline companion is one of the few things that keeps me going. I just hate that I can't give him the most fulfilling life (no letting him outdoors and all), but I know he's happy for the most part.

not a cat person myself, but i do know that just having that unconditional regard that accrues from being the one who can operate a can opener is better than being alone.

I can really identify with a lot of what you wrote - I have a tendency to "overthink" and sometimes it seems to make everything worse.

It takes a lot to be able to reflect and understand what has brought you to this point and how much of it was beyond your control. I am so glad you reached out here, too.

I am blessed with finding a good therapist to talk to and that has really helped a lot. Trying to find the right mixture of meds can be so frustrating because it really does take weeks before your body may register the effects, while in the meantime you feel discouraged. I am so sorry to hear that you ulcerative colitis, my mom has it and it has really been painful both emotionally and physically.

I truly wish you well and feel free to message me whenever you feel like you want to vent or just say hi

It's been a tough transition. While the psychiatrist is awesome, he's a busy dude and I rarely get to see him. In order to start seeing a licensed therapist I had to stop seeing a counselor I had built up a really good rapport with over the course of many years. First therapist didn't click. It was a matter of advice, personality, and infrequent visits hindering the best chance of success. Fortunately I'm off to see a new one here in a few weeks. Just a shame in took like six months to figure out this was the course of action to go.

The mental health profession is understaffed and at times seems too clinical and ridged. I'll keep trying though.

due to the aca.
glad you have a new one lined up. keep trying.

I became severely mentally ill when I was 20, partly due to life circumstances and partly due to some ill-advised drug use. I have bipolar disorder and experienced psychosis to go along with the terrible mood swings. I lived like that for ten years. I'm not sure how I hung on, but I did and it all changed dramatically in a matter of a couple of days. I just got the right meds at the right dosages. I entered the hospital suicidal and emerged seven days later feeling enlightened and experiencing reality for the first time in a decade.

It's been thirteen years since then. I've had some rough patches, but I have not relapsed and I've maintained my hold on reality. Give the meds a try if you think your digestive system will be able to handle them. They may not work as dramatically at first as they did for me, but they might put you in a place where you can productively work on yourself and make progress.

I'm just not sure things can work in their current situation. Will give it a go though. Thanks for the words of wisdom.

A step forward, or a step backwards, that means you are moving. It's always better than the alternative.

You're not alone in being "dysfunctional."

I've been a mess since winter, having quit a med that seemed to be keeping me functional, but not in a good place and with some unpleasant side effects.

One of the meds I switched to had this lovely warning on the label:

CALL DOCTOR IF YOU EXPERIENCE MOOD CHANGES, SADNESS, DEPRESSION OR FEAR

Of course I experienced all these things in the extreme, and couldn't sleep without being awakened by the worst sort of nightmares but, as always, I was entirely unable to judge my own mental state, and furthermore afraid to call my doctor!

I quit that med a couple of weeks ago, and now I'm just embarrassed.

Fortunately I have a lifetime of experience with major depression, OCD and other irritations, and have plenty of practice living one day at a time in a thoroughly dysfunctional state. I've been on this merry-go-round before.

Having another physical ailment doesn't help.

Be kind to yourself.