New job?

Along with my bipolar comes anxiety and self-esteem problems. I tend to isolate myself and find it very difficult to meet and engage other people.

I am a scientist. I am very good at what I do. I always thought that if I did good science, was productive, published papers and brought in money, I would be recognized and given the position I deserve. I did not take into the account the politics involved. I am not a good "politician". I am unable to overcome my own insecurities to talk to people. But, even when I do, I am unable to hide my "true" feelings. If I do not like someone, they know it even without me saying it. Poor politics.

So, people take advantage of me. They know that I will not complain and will take what is given. I work in an academic setting. I perform all of the duties of a tenure track professor. I run a research group, I train graduate students, I write papers and grants, I am on several institutional committees and somehow, I still do bench work. But, I am not a tenure track professor, I am in a non-tenure track position - a glorified postdoctoral fellow. And I am miserable.

I have recently been in touch with my thesis mentor. As with everyone else in my life, as soon as I left his lab I lost contact with him. He is an endowed chair professor at a major university in Texas. He has believed in me more than any one else. Myself included. I think he wants to offer me a job and I am terrified. This would be an independent tenure track position at this major university.

I don't know what to do. I am frozen. I mean, really, can I be successful as an independent researcher? Of course this is the basis of my problem. I really do not believe in myself. And then there are all of the details of actually moving my family to TX. This is where my husband says that i talk myself out of opportunities. Is it fair to move my family while my kids are in school? What about my daughters stability? We have my parents close by here to help. Could we get by without them? (Of course we did this for 10 years before we moved here.) Will my husband be able to find a job? How would we sell our house? We would have to put money into the house to sell it. Can we afford it? How can we afford to buy another house? What about schools? Etc....

I know that my professional dissatisfaction spills into my home life. I have always been a passionate scientist. I need to get over my demons. I am frozen into inaction and don't know how to make this decision.

Thanks for reading. I am so thankful for this group. I am finding that writing these things down really does help me sort them out.

to everyone