i want to thank kurt vonnegut for my continued existence.

i heard him long ago, being interviewed on npr, probably fresh air.
he talked about the impact of his mother's suicide on him and on his family. it was sobering.
at the time i often though that my family would be better off w/o me. he made it clear that if i did what i obsessed about at the time, i would be sending out ripples of unbearable pain that would engulf everyone in my family.

i thought hard about my daughter, who was already struggling w depression, even tho she was only a kid. i knew i would likely be dooming her to the same fate.
as my family grew, my struggle was often almost unbearable. thoughts of razor blades and tubs of hot water, and who would stumble on that scene were anchored by his words.
thoughts of doing "the virginia wolfe", walking into my beloved lake michigan, rocks in my pockets, were anchored by the angst of my disappearance, and the torment that would sink them all, too.

it was a thin thread to hang onto, but hang onto it i did.
i wish my children knew how hard it was, and what i did for them. i stayed there, their crazy, sometimes awful mom, who they often thought could not be worse. but i persisted.
as much as i regret many things i did, i know that the most important thing was the thing i didnt do.

so thank you sir. that ripple of pain was seen on my shores. it was a powerful warning, and a powerful affirmation.
thank you for being you. and for having the bravery to speak your pain.
you saved my life.