sounds to me as if you're well positioned to succeed.
First, having saved that much is truly admirable.
Second, working with psychiatrists/groups is definitely heading in the right direction.
I expect others will post tomorrow/later. Best of luck.

Since you'll live to be 90, thirty is still young. Many, many people are still trying to figure out what to do with their lives at that age. Another thing you can do is think 'what do I really love to do that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol?'. What is your passion? Now go and volunteer with a company that does that very thing. Write them a letter, offering to work for free one day a week. And you go there and try it on for size. If it doesn't fit - you can cross that off your list and pursue another passion. Or join a club or group that involves said passion. Chances are you'll run into people who share your love and ability in this area. And you have just expanded your life and may make a friend or two. I was so shy I couldn't talk on the phone in my early 20s. SSRIs helped and I snapped out of it by going through life and realizing I'd been selling myself short for such a long time and that I was good at many things, I was a very nice person, I did have people in my life who loved me. Once I tried more and more things (like more jobs/friendships) I built up my amour and was stronger. I stopped running those insecure tapes through my head. Grieving a loss is a muscle. With practice you get more and more confidence that you can handle loss or rejection. So go out there and practice. Use that 'take a chance, I can handle loss' muscle. And one day you'll wake up and say to yourself - you know I am still shy but people wouldn't know it and it doesn't stop me from trying new things. Good luck. You sound like you are on top of all your issues and can articulate them very well. I don't see any insecurity in your writing. Working on your personality does pan out doesn't it!!!

Damn!
I will never be able to put two pennies together!

As I told you in my PM to you,
you will find this corner of DU to be the most loving
and supporting group on DU.

I'm glad to see you here!
BHN

at about the same age. Maybe the best thing I did for myself was interview a number of therapists before finding one that I was very comfortable with (as comfortable as I got with stangers, any way). She did years worth of boundary work with me and it helped me so much. Just working on that, steadily and patiently, changed everything.

My parent didn't know how to support the development of my boundaries and alternately abandoned me or was rigidly controlling. It amounts to the same thing: you never learn to sort yourself out from everything else. Of course, that leads to debilitating anxiety or, did for me, in any case. Leads to a lot of false starts, to fragmented relationships, to substance use or abuse, to all kinds of things a person does to cope with feeling out of place or directionless or anxious because the center isn't "set", it's barely there, in a way.

Does any of this ring a bell?

bring up the possibility of boundary issues with the new psychiatrist when I see them.

and the common result of comparing ourselves to others is to feel badly about ourselves. we are our own harshest critics.

i was shy when i was younger and have always imposed expectations of perfection upon myself. then i turned 30 last year and realized i don't give a shit what most anyone thinks of me. i'm still battling my own self-esteem issues, but i have made more headway in the last couple years than the entirety of my life up to that point.

it seems like you're facing the situation head-on and that you are already aware of what you're facing, which is a positive place to start. getting a new psych also seems to be a good idea, a doctor does us no good if we're not comfortable with them. the group sessions may help you a bit with socialization/social anxiety, but have you thought about joining a hobby group or something? i understand social anxiety and am perfectly happy staying home, but 'rescue' meds can help with the anxiety, ativan has been a godssend for me. the med roulette can be a nightmare, i know.

i've been looking at the last sentence of your post for sometime and, if i may ask, what are you afraid of?

good luck to you and keep us posted.

I was totally paralyzed with fear after a series of traumatic events, including my
beautiful daughter's melt down.

Ativan has allowed me to face the world again.

I am no help to my daughter and her healing process if I am frozen in fear and GAD.

BHN

i was so resistant to using it as anything other than an absolute last resort, i kept telling myself i didn't need it to do the day to day. i wish i'd gotten over that a lot sooner.

In truth I believe I'm running from my own negative self image of myself. I know factually that I'm a good person with positive qualities and some successes but deep down there's a part of me that hates myself to some large degree. I'm not sure why this is but I believe it to be true and among several of the core reasons behind my problems.

As you said I have spent a large part of my life measuring myself against the success of others. And the yard stick I use is that of perfectionism. This is an old and hard habit to break.

As for medications I was prescribed Xanax for the short term amelioration of the worst of my anxieties at my last job before I quit. Xanax is in the class of benzodiazepines like Ativian and it too seems to work wonders on anxiety. But benzodiazepines are only meant for short term treatment of anxiety and not for long term chronic usage. They bring with them the risk of addiction and dependence.

be it the one in the bathroom or the one in the head. what it shows us is the fear, the anger, the negativity we feel about ourselves, not who we actually are or how others see us. fighting my own warped self-perception/esteem is a battle that's been raging for years and it's only been recently that i've started gaining ground because i told the mirror to piss off.

the perfectionism will kill you. we are all just people bumping along on this blue marble and we're going to fuck up. sometimes a lot, sometimes a little, but we will fuck up. but fucking up, as long as it's not intentional and out of malice, doesn't mean we're bad people, just that we haven't learned a particular lesson yet. the key is to remember that, to tell yourself that when you catch yourself beating yourself up for some small perceived failure or shortcoming. more often than not, you are the only one who is even going to notice the fuck up. i talk to myself all day long to keep that perspective. and when you do fuck up, it hurts, but there are always going to be people who will help you up, dust you off and help you get back on your way. one of the hardest things to learn is to love ourselves and accept we'll screw up from time to time.

i understand the risks of benzos, but i've been on ativan for ten years now with no issue. i use it as sparingly as i can and can stretch a one month script out for months, though some times are harder than others and i back off for a bit if i have been taking them more than normal. i've found that just having them with me often has the same effect as taking one, i feel safe knowing that they're there if i need them. but medications don't have to be forever, sometimes they're needed more just to get us to where we need to be to be able to deal with the underlying issues.

I'll be 31 next month and I'm still living at home with my mom. I have several medical disorders -- neurofibromatosis(which caused me to have seizures in my teens and can also cause tumors to form on my body), severe depression with psychotic features, agoraphobia, anxiety, ADD, learning disability and a slight speech impairment. I've never dated either, and I can count the number of close friends I've had on one hand. I've been working at Wal-mart for the past 7 years as a cashier and I enjoy my job most of the time(except when my anxiety kicks in and I start having a panic attack). I'm currently on Zoloft(for the depression), Risperdal(for psychosis) and Busfpar(for anxiety) and most of the time it works really well, I do have my good days and bad days though.

Good luck with going back to school. I hope it works out for you. I've tried going to college but due to my learning disability it's very hard for me.

Just wanted to let you know -- you are not alone.

my problems aren't nearly as serious as yours. It's great to hear that you're managing relatively ok though! I just picked up a part time job and I'm hoping things will work out down the road better. I'm going to be talking with my psychiatrist about changing a few things in my medication.