Parenting

FirstLight

(13,876 posts) Sat Feb 13, 2021, 03:21 PM Feb 2021

only took 2 mins for my 29 y/o to break my heart again today...

Called my parents to see how they were since we missed our evening check-in last night...

Dad said My oldest son and his wife & kids are visiting... asked if I wanted to talk to mom.

I burst into tears and said no...just give him a hug and tell him I miss him.

Haven't seen his 5 y/o since she was 8 mos old, only got to babysit 3 times before they took her away. With a lot of BS accusations that were not true, just making up shit to snub me again.

Trev and his wife have been together since his graduation. I kicked them out shortly after he was 18 for shacking up in my house (literally ONLY comeing out of bedroom to get food) and he threatened me and that was it. I have 2 younger kids, ten years younger... they are now 19 & 17 and they know how much he's hurt me...

Im glad they decided to re-engage with the grandparents, my mom deserves to know her great-grandchildren.

But it stings. I havent had a happy bday or mother's day or happy holidays from them in 5 years...

Trevor and his wife always said to me "you need to apologize" and I have, many times...i dont know what for. I gave up my young life for that kid....had him at 21 and struggled to give him a happy life. He somehow still blames me for the second husband being a POS abuser...when I was the one getting the abuse. (as far as I know, he wont talk about it...he won't do any therapy)

ugh, I just needed to vent ...and cry... I hope my Dad actually says something to them about being assholes to me and even his younger siblings. My daughter has said...if wants to pretend he doesnt have a sister, fuck him then, I dont have an older brother either...

I dont know how someone raised with SO much love all around him could decide to be so cold. though I *do* think the wifey has a lot to do with it...he's chosen HER family instead...)

7 replies

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Highlight:

only took 2 mins for my 29 y/o to break my heart again today... (Original Post) FirstLight Feb 2021 OP

I'm so sorry you are going through it. Lunabell Feb 2021 #1

kick & rec i do not know the whole story but maybe your daughter has the right tone? lunasun Feb 2021 #2

kinda.... FirstLight Feb 2021 #3

He may never piece together kicking them out was a good thing and that you were a good mom lunasun Feb 2021 #4

thanks Lunasun... FirstLight Feb 2021 #5

dammitt, it's been all day and I still cant stop crying at everything. FirstLight Feb 2021 #6

The Psychology of the silent treatment Backseat Driver Mar 2021 #7

Lunabell

(6,756 posts)

1. I'm so sorry you are going through it.

Reply to FirstLight (Original post)

Sat Feb 13, 2021, 03:25 PM

Feb 2021

Sending you a virtual hug. HUGS!!! I hope one day your family will heal from all this.

lunasun

(21,646 posts)

2. kick & rec i do not know the whole story but maybe your daughter has the right tone?

Reply to FirstLight (Original post)

Sat Feb 13, 2021, 03:28 PM

Feb 2021

FirstLight

(13,876 posts)

3. kinda....

Reply to lunasun (Reply #2)

Sat Feb 13, 2021, 03:36 PM

Feb 2021

I have been on the "outs" with them since i MADE them move out...

He was 18, siblings 8 & 6 and asking "why are trevor and sonja always in the bedroom?" when I didnt even have a social life and bring people home...it was gross. I was NOT included in the wedding, though the siblings were ring bear and flower girl and my parents paid for the whole thing...
They lost their first baby, and I was really hoping to offer comfort and maybe heal things by being there, but they shut us out again...
I dont know what his inner stuff is...but he was a very angry 13 yr old when I left the bad ex, and he needed therapy even then but wouldnt participate.
My mom says he's a good and loving daddy though...I hope so.

I just wish I could stop crying about it. Every time I feel that slap in the face....

lunasun

(21,646 posts)

4. He may never piece together kicking them out was a good thing and that you were a good mom

Reply to FirstLight (Reply #3)

Sat Feb 13, 2021, 04:47 PM

Feb 2021

Maybe he would not be such the good dad today if they had continued those kind of bad manners & living at home so take solace in your past actions

Pride, some resentment, wife, -as you said you do not know his inner stuff and they want to stay separated what can you do?
maybe look around at your 2 kids and the love among the immediate family now to stop crying today?

Hope you can carry that love in your heart to stay strong when you have to hear about him from your parents

FirstLight

(13,876 posts)

5. thanks Lunasun...

Reply to lunasun (Reply #4)

Sat Feb 13, 2021, 04:56 PM

Feb 2021

My daughter suggested trying to text him again... I tried the last known number but they wouldnt say if it was him, asked who I was

I said "it's your mom just wanted to let you know you are missed"

it's all I can do

now to try and move on with my day and stop blubbering

FirstLight

(13,876 posts)

6. dammitt, it's been all day and I still cant stop crying at everything.

Reply to FirstLight (Original post)

Sat Feb 13, 2021, 07:57 PM

Feb 2021

I cant even call my parents ans talk casally about today because i start tearing up and have to get off the phone...

wish I could stop feeling like this ...

Backseat Driver

(4,622 posts)

7. The Psychology of the silent treatment

Reply to FirstLight (Original post)

Fri Mar 26, 2021, 09:22 AM

Mar 2021

Last edited Fri Mar 26, 2021, 10:17 AM - Edit history (1)

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/03/psychology-of-silent-treatment-abuse/618411/

I sympathize with that pain - From the other side, I'm now the obedient (adult) kid, not the parent who said and followed through with her "I never want to speak to you again." choice. I gave her the opportunity to think on that, but she chose the now long estrangement without apology and, finally, I hung up. She's had a phone # (not mine) that she has only used once to say that dad was in a bad way; come, because he's asked after his kid(s); he won't recognize you." She and those who took her side have missed a lot pf opportunity for familial joyfulness! My family has not missed the toxic messages that, more importantly, don't include an apology nor forgiveness of her "disappointment" in me and my spouse, my kids, and a great grandson she's never met. The one phone call only exhibited forgetfulness that she actually willingly chose the estrangement and the pain it's caused. For want of an apology...very sad she can't or won't...and so I'm now at least "obedient" to "honor" the toxic controlling message of a now 92-year-old, and her choice, itself a clear message.

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