Just a heads up - PayPal does not transmit money immediately, although they take it out fast enough. Check your PayPal and utility (or whatever) statement to find out how long until it shows up as paid.

realize it, and was happy to let me handle everything. He even told doctors:”Don’t tell me. Tell my wife”.

When he went into assisted living, he relinquished being a trustee of our revocable trust, so that he could not be scammed out of that money while I was not around. Do you have his power of attorney? You should, but he should not have yours. Maybe you could consider having your SS check deposited into an account in your name only and his SS checks moved to an account in your name only, after it’s deposited into his by the government. This will only really be helpful if he believes he has no money and has to defer to you on spending decisions. It sounds like he might be the kind of guy who could go along with this. He would also have to not answer the phone, but let any legitimate calls be returned by you.

This is a painful situation for both of you. You will have to be very strong. Good luck!

head very seriously. Today, he thought he had a great idea to save money by changing the cats' gushy food. Even tho I'd told him many times you can't do that to cats, and the cats didn't like the cat food that he buys trying to save money. In turn, it ends up wasting money and the cats are unhappy. I had just woke up when he laid this on me, and I think I spoke a bit more forcefully than I normally would. Felt horrible about it, and apologized when he got back from getting more of their Fancy Feast. Right now, we're living on the cash I have in my wallet. This makes it a bit more "real" for him than paying for things on a debit card. My thoughts have been to take out a budgeted amount in cash for us to use each week, and putting the debit cards up and away from him. Like a credit card, which we don't use, it's way too easy to just think the money is "in there." And he feels okay when I tell him to go get the money from my wallet.

I need to have a good old-fashioned sit down with him and get some of this out of me and to him, trying to bring him into possible solutions. I'm not at all thinking of an assisted living, at least, not while my grandson is living with us. As things begin to see a light at the end of this horrible immediate tunnel, I've had two nights in a row where I didn't wake up screaming from night terrors. At some point, I think I need to see a counselor to help me with my fear and grief. But I still blame a large part of the night terrors on trump... when you wake up screaming obscenities about trump, it's hard not to blame a large part of the fear on he who dealt it. I do swear, there are many of us living with PTSD from living the last decade under trumps evil influence.

You and your husband will be in my thoughts. Take care.

Set up automatic payments for monthly payments like utilities. This will protect your money. Give him cash to shop with. Do not give him a bank debit card. He cant be scammed if the scammers have no access to your funds. Hope this helps a little.

The cash part I've already instituted, simply because (at least to me) hard cash makes it easier to live within than an amorphous debit card. We don't have credit cards to use (other than my Amazon, used only on Amazon). Passwords to the accounts are no problem. We can only check on the bank account thru my computer. And he can't remember any passwords, and can't get into my system, anyway. I'm against auto payments simply because I can't consistently depend on the dates they get deducted. With as little money as we deal with each month, it'd be way too easy for one autopay to step on another's toes. I do have some small streaming on autopay, but anything that deals with amounts over $50, I'll be paying myself. Grandson helps, in that he helps me keep track beyond my Excel spreadsheet. And all the tech is way over my hubby's head. So that, actually, helps.

Nice to have a grandchild who can help. I have two that help me out a lot. One of them fixed my computer from his house. Me: "How in the world did you do that?" Him: "I came in through a back door." He's a computer nerd, which has paid off for him in scholarships in IT. Because I'm technically impaired, I am amazed by his ability.

need a different financial institution. Period.

I have all of my regular bills on autopay. My bank sends those payments out on the day. There is zero reason why any financial institution should not do that.

And I agree about paying with cash for virtually everything. Debit cards lead to nearly as much debt as credit cards.

At first I thought,"But would be remember the passwords?" Then I thought that the password might be saved on a computer that he has access to.

I learn so much on this site - thanks to all for the sharing of hard-won wisdom.

These gift card scams and other scams targeting seniors are almost entirely in India and were supposed to be eliminated when the implementation of STIR/SHAKEN phone protocols… yet more scam calls are happening than ever before.

The Indian government makes no effort to stop the scams; we should consider simply disconnecting the Indian phone network from ours as a sanction until they clean up their scammers.

So many good vulnerable people get taken in by those scumbags and I’m so tired of reading stories like yours about being taken advantage of by them.

The investigator we met with said that he had 50 complaints he personally was dealing with, just in this year alone. They're out of control and infuriate me. And they're getting so much more intense and personal. I can't think like a criminal, digital or IRL. I can just fume! This one that got hubby and is going over so "well" here in the Midwest has them posing as FBI. Anyone prone to automatically submit to authorities is in danger, and hubby is scared to death of authority figures. Luckily, I'm just as prone to cuss them out as I am to give them a nice hello.

Any time of day or night.

Do it. Others will see your story and that increases the likelihood of getting some smart suggestions. There are two in this thread alone that sound like they’d be helpful.

Above ALL ELSE, keep all the financial decisions on YOUR plate, NOT his.

And let us know how you’re doing.

I do feel like DU is a home away from home. This situation has definitely humbled me in a lot of ways, and brought up what's really important in my life. Protecting not only our monthly income, but even more important... protecting my hubby... is first and foremost.
And yes, there have been some great suggestions that I've read so far, and each and every one is sincerely appreciated.

SS comes in on Wednesday. I've given him a set amount of money we have to live on until then, in cold hard cash. And even it is stored in my wallet. He never has felt comfortable getting into my purse, let alone my wallet. So this will work, and this month everything money related falls in my court. I've got my filing set up, my notes and spreadsheet to track stuff, and am beginning to feel a little more "light" than I had been. And it gives hubby something solid to lean on, dealing with cash only. He's such a good guy, Cali. I hate this is happening to him; it's so frustrating to him.

I’ve read your posts, slightlv, and the first thing that they make me think of is: “how would I handle all this? How on earth?”

I would guess the only thing you can realistically do, after taking precautions like you’ve done, is face up and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Your journey is seriously one of those “teachable moments” (did Obama coin that phrase?) that I bet a BUNCH of us here would be smart to learn, or at least be open to. I mean, shit, things might be rolling along just fine but then tomorrow could bring some calamity like a major auto accident or serious bathroom or kitchen flood or some such thing.

It seems so trivial to describe the burst pipe that surprised us back in mid-January, that utterly destroyed our guest bedroom. Right down to the floorboards and wall insulation and other basics. And sheesh - who’s prepared for THAT? What a mess and we’d never experienced ANYTHING like that. And yet, once we hoped everything had thoroughly dried (summer had arrived!) we risked taking tentative steps toward trying to get it all rehab’d. We got reputable advice and groped our way through all of it, but it finally got finished by the end of August.

But that is NOTHING compared with what you’re dealing with, and a WHOLE LOT more serious! And again, I guess the only realistic thing to do that makes any sense is to take the baby step route. One foot in front of the other. Make sure both feet are in stable contact with the ground, and try to take a few steps forward, even if they’re little steps. Then stop and recognize that you made some forward-leaning progress, and feel good about how you successfully gathered up your courage and TRIED.

Heck, THAT ALONE is an achievement! And even better when it leads to another several steps forward. And before you know it, you’ve taken a few dozen steps and those steps got you to some help that might make sense.

For us, it was one-foot-in-front-of-the-other, over and over again, til we suddenly realized it was the end of August and the whole damn thing got DONE.

THAT was both startling and tremendously gratifying! We actually were pretty proud of ourselves and all those little baby steps, cuz all those baby steps headed directly to the Finish Line!

And PLEASE keep this in mind: anything you’re doing to confront the problem or get over being overwhelmed by it, no matter how small or ridiculous or unrealistic you THINK your efforts are, it all means you’re on the road to getting it intelligently DEALT WITH. And TAKEN CARE OF.

Do NOT forget that, my friend! Let the Grateful Dead refrain about “what a LOOOOOOOOONNNNG strange trip it’s been…” carry you through every day. And please keep in mind that NOTHING lasts forever. Not the good times. And DEFINITELY not the bad times. George Harrison had an album called “All Things Must Pass.” And all things do. INCLUDING THE BAD PARTS!!!!!

HUGS GALORE to you, slightlv! You’ve shared all of this with your DU brothers and sisters. And THAT means you’re automatically NOT trudging through this alone. And as our beloved Skittles has reminded: “someone’s always here.” Don’t forget THAT, either.



PS: Sorry I went on so long.

Tonight's one of those sleepless nights where I lay here with four of my cats, on the verge of tears. Breaking down isn't in the cards. I think I may take some to do that tomorrow with a close friend of mine around the corner from me. She and I share the joy of living with both lupus and fibro, so we're sisters of the heart in many ways. And I really feel I have to give myself permission to cry... at the hassles and the worries and the changes... But also at the sheer absurdity of it all.

And listen, I thoroughly get flooding if the guest room. For us, it was the family room, every time it rained. I guess the house shifted or something but at one point it was streaming in the bottom the door and halfway up the ramp to the kitchen David built for me... This house needs so much rehabbing, but I sunk my 401k into buying it outright with no mortgage to worry about come retirement. Neither of us realized just how much work and physicality it would take. Shoot... Just the move was enough to nearly do me in!

Tomorrow I plan to gather up the errant cat hair and try to clean around here. I plan on blasting Carry on Wayward Son to see me through. Its been my mantra for many, many years. That, and their song The Wall.

I know the friends who've helped money wise these past two weeks don't expect any payback, but it still worries me. I've always been the helper, not the helpee. Its pretty damned humbling.

Brightest blessings to you and yours...

... to get inside the computer. I walked in on the scam in progress and shut down the computer. The guy (possibly in India) then proceeded to call us back and berate me for not allowing him to speak to my hubby. I called the FBI and also took the computer to the geek squad

David also missed paying our bills on time. (Autopay is key and hiding his credit cards). He spent endless hours. picking up groceries from a list. He passed a written driver's test at 92. But eventually driving was fraught with challengers.

I found the goal was just to keep him from knowing his mind was turning on him. I know I lost patience once in a while. But exercise, good diet and showering love are key to functioning at your highest capacity.

Good luck! Think about having a CT scan of his brain. That may show you what actions to take. Or not take

Not that it helps him feel better. We've always agreed we're the flip sides of the same coin. His birthday is the day before mine; where we're alike, we're 100% alike... where we're different, it's like night and day. We've always complemented each other. Even today as we both age, his mind is going while mine is still sharp. But his body still works while mine doesn't. Grandson is here to fill in the spaces inbetween. Unlike you David, my David knows his mind is bonkers. I'm the one that lived in denial until now.

She recommended Cognitive Care Therapy once a week. Lots of puzzles, mind games, word association. This is where he was tested and eventually diagnosed on the Dementia Spectrum.

My David was very aware of his challenges in the beginning. He lived well for another 10 years, I believe because he got on the meds before an actual diagnosis.

You sound like a great team. Loving each other is the best medicine. 💕

My heart goes out to you. It is really kind of mind-blowing. You are definitely not alone. But yes--you don't want to lose him, and he's not quite the same person you knew. It is emotionally very complicated. There's a book out there about "ambiguous grief" and it's pretty good at describing the feeling. He's still there, but he's not there, in a way. BUT there are some treatments, understanding of the brain has increased dramatically in the past few years, so you want to bring him back as far from the brink as possible. It's hard to have to be the brains of the family when our hearts are hurting.

So, yes, get all your passwords etc. under control. Hide account numbers so he's not as exposed to scams. It's kind of like having teenagers--the internet is dangerous and you can't control everything he sees or gets a call about. But your money is critical.

Second: Neurologist (preceded by GP)

I have seen doctors' first step when witnessing confusion is to do a B12 test. As we age, we don't hang on to it as well. Getting that above normal can make a difference and set a slightly higher baseline. Another thing--sleep apnea. This can accelerate cognitive decline dramatically. A GP can handle both those things.

But the neurologist can open so many other windows of information. Everyone I know, everywhere they live in the U.S., calls and can only book an appointment in the far future, then be put on the waitlist. Make the call, get the appointment on the books, and then wait. While waiting: Document. See if you see new clear patterns emerging. This will help you when you get the neurologist's appointment. In a case very close to me, the thing that made the person go over the line was being overwhelmed. This person used to be able to juggle six things. When it came down to more than three turning into a giant mess? Scary. And then two? Uh-oh. Often manifested in trips to the grocery store! Yes! You never know what will come home. But whatever it is, keep track. It will all blur into one if you don't make notes.

Knowing what you're dealing with will help provide focus. When you're not sure and it could be everything or nothing, it gives that feeling of, "What's going to happen next?" That creates anxiety, hyper-vigilance, fatigue, and depression for you. If you have a clearer idea of specifics you can seek action. Some things can be treated; some can't. Knowing those two lists of factors gives a foundation. If it is the beginning of a degenerative disease, they vary. If it's mild cognitive impairment, there are new habits to add to his day that will help him not fall off track as much.

A neurologist will probably do imaging and a neuropsych test. With Medicare, if you have supplemental, there should be no out-of-pocket charges. If you don't have supplemental, I am not sure how Medicare handles it, but with their population it must be getting more and more routine.

With a neuropsych test you can see if there are specific areas showing deterioration, and it will prepare you better to work with those specific things. He may test as "above average" in a bunch of things, and then there's one little area that is really in trouble. If you initiate it now, it will give you a baseline as time passes. They tend to do them annually once they see cognitive decline. Neuropsychiatrists tend to listen to the spouse very well, and help provide survival skills through whatever lies ahead.

I wish you the best. Self-care is critical. It is so good that you have friends and a grandson who know what's going on. You and your husband have a strong connection at the soul level and that will not change. In a way, it's the most important thing. But the daily life is a trip and a half.

One of the main areas we're having problems with is doctors, of all things! His long-time doc retired. Then the one he chose to replace her retired. Right now, we're between docs. I know we'd have a better chance in KC, but we're here in LV and I don't drive so well anymore (and smart enough to know when I can white-knuckle it and when I can't). My long-time doc is in Lenexa, and I'm making noises to hubby to just go to her. She and I have a good relationship, and I trust her and her referrals. She helped me a lot with my Mom before Mom went over the edge. I know there's medication out there that can probably help him. What's gone, memory-wise, is not going to come back. I'm realistic enough to know that. And I know any referrals will be in KC. But she also knows my driving issues, and can help by hopefully finding someone who has a visiting office here. I'm also taking charge of his Medicare Advantage choices this year, because I wasn't very happy with the one he had this passing year. which reminds me, it's time to ring up my broker. I'm expecting higher prices this year, because I've seen so many messages on the board talking about it. At this time in my life, I couldn't live without my todo lists!

My older sister's dementia got really bad and it was hard enough to get her to give up car keys. Eventually her phone had to be cancelled and all too soon... Legal status had to be put under legal protection so she couldn't get into trouble shopping on line and such.

It's hard, I know. Please know that many here understand and hope you can get your assets protected sooner rather than later.

The challenge of walking into the unknown with the known outcome of death is almost overwhelming some days. My beloved had open-heart surgery almost 3 years ago which culminated in a NDE where his heart stopped for almost four minutes. Things have been a challenge for us both ever since. He now has orthostatic hypotension and can fall at the drop of a hat (so to speak) which has placed enormous burdens on my time and energy and anxiety on his. Falling is a very traumatic event and to fall for "no reason" is the worst.

I'm lucky in that I've always taken care of the money and bills. Sometimes he asks how things are,but mostly, he is content to not think about that.

Can you talk to your husband about changing roles now that you don't work so much? It might be a relief for him not to have that responsibility of keeping track of everything. Maybe just say, new rules, my dear and take over. Give him a different task to help with the household? But you should definitely be the money manager.

Maybe you could have a phone conference with your primary and discuss your concerns and set up various specialist appointments to pinpoint the true issue?

I am sure that you know what you need to do. It's just such a scary step knowing that you are alone, even though you are in a relationship and have your partner right at hand. I can relate and am sending you hugs and strength through the ether. You can do this.

We've already talked about changes, and begun instituting them. So far, so good... except for the near miss of him changing our insurance carrier. Seems brokers of anything are getting much more strident in their coercions. The one thing I've noticed (besides the stridency) between them and scammers is telling the mark NOT to involve the spouse. When legit businesses start use the scammers methods, we're all at risk!

Since hubby has had his last three doctors retire on him shortly after joining them, I'm now trying to convince him to use MY long-time doc. I trust her, I know her, and through the decades we've built up a decent relationship. It'll mean more trips to the "big city" than I'd be comfortable with, but with him in the passenger seat, it'll make the trip a little less white-knuckled.

Thanks for the good energy... and back to you, as well. Thanks for being there!

suggest very strongly to me that he really is in the beginning stages of dementia.

I'm 76 and beginning to notice some memory issues. But I'm not going to fall for a gift card scam, although oddly enough I never get those calls, and the one time I got a call from someone who called me Grandma, and ended that fast.

I've already warned him if anyone phones and calls him "grandpa" to immediately give me the phone. He's step-grandpa, and came to that late in life, both his and theirs, so it's a natural move for him in this situation. I honestly don't know why he did what he did with the gift cards, other than he's already had a thing about authority figures (which is what they were presenting as). He's an long time ago ex-junkie, schizophrenic, and has always been outside the law in some way. The fact it took 1/3 of his life to turn himself around only told me what kind of man he truly is, deep inside. Yeah, I fell in love at first word!

We're doing better now. David's sis sent down $500, and that allowed us to get a utility bill paid before it was cut off, and get some food into the house. The cats ran out of treats, but they had their crunchies and Fancy Feast. The dog even got his pup-A-Roni. (LOL)

This months SS checks came in, and allowed me to get the bills paid for now, and a massive trip to the grocery store, which promptly has set me back, physically, for the last two days. Last night I made a soup that turned out SO good, and I haven't stopped throwing up since. I think I burned my esophagus, but nothing I take in will stay down. I finally have food in the house again and now i can't eat? Damn... if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have none at all (ain't that the way the saying goes?!). My lupus is in flaring and I can't keep down the meds.

Sorry, I"m so grateful to those who got me to this place, but I had a really raw night and now the day doesn't look like its gonna be much better. Meanwhile, it's been two days since I've been able to hold anything down, so I'm also "hangry"...