THE COFFEE SHOP
Life just gets better as you get older, doesn’t it?
I was in a coffee shop recently when my stomach started rumbling and I
realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed but the music was really loud, so to get relief
and reduce embarrassment, I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
This is what happens when senior citizens use technology! 
Love Older Women & Happy Endings
SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE
AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON
WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED,
"HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I
NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID,
"WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED
SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -- STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.
WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER,
STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR.
THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED
AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.
THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD
WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID,
"SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT... I'VE
ALWAYS WANTED TO."
THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...
And that's a fact!
I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
= new reply since forum marked as read
k&r 
and my e-mail buddy is the best...we older women share the laughs...
I posted Dr. Housing Bubble just to read later, my eye doctor just moved from there. Hopefully he cures me! 
Here's to us! Older women, that is.
I talked to my local Council on Aging yesterday and am getting into a program that provides transportation for seniors. This is going to make a HUGE difference in my life. Another happy ending.
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal, Sister Mary Double Genuflection With The Blessed Sacrament Exposed, decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary Double Genuflection asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers...... And then there are educators!
If Sister Mary Double Genuflection ran for office I would vote for her!
Don't mess with a nun, they are wicked smart!!
Our Lady of Perpetual Motion Grade School, IIRC? 
however, the situation was a bit different than described in the first one......
Great Stuff!
He rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new West Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter."
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites."
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Then, Father O'Malley replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
'tis a fine one, you have there!!!! 
Sixth grade science teacher, Sister Mary Joseph, asked her class, "Which human body part increases 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Sister Mary Joseph ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated
Mary's mouth fell open, "Boy, she is going to get in big trouble!"
Sister ignored her again and continued, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Sister said, "Very good, Billy." She then turned to Mary and said, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say to you: (One), you have a dirty mind. (Two), you didn't read your homework. And (Three), one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, Being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife, however, after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 years old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight".
When the man came home late that night he found a reply of his letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.As you know,I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.He is young,virile,and like your secretary,he is 18 years old.
You being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference;
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
THE HUSBAND FAINTED
She's the first girlfriend of my brother Bobby who passed away in February. She's an Angel in every way.
Glad you enjoy these gems and now you know.