Ha like it

Are dead grapes. Logic exists.

Duck waddles into a bar.
Bartender said, "Can I help you?"

The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell raisins."

The duck walked out, came the next day and sat at the bar.

Bartender asks if he could help him.
The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

The bartender said, "NO!!! this is a BAR we don't sell raisins!"
So the duck waddled out again and left.

He came back the next day and sat down once again, and
yelled at the bartender, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

The bartender said, "NO.!!!!!!!
And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there.

The duck said, "ok", and left.

The next day sure enough the duck came back,
except he only peeped his head inside the door.
He said, "quack, quack, got any nails?" The bartender replied, "No!"

The duck said "Good, then you got any raisins?"

He hops on the bar and orders a glass of water.
the bartender gives him the water and says "We have a cocktail named after you"
"You have a cocktail named Irving?"

That's what!

guess why? chicken thigh

Hä?

ha!

Put a little boogie in it.


Didja hear about the big robbery last night? Two clothespins held up a pair of pants.



Didja hear about the accident at the Army base? A jeep ran over a box of popcorn and crushed two colonels.

In true keeping with the spirit!

the old one about a grasshopper entering a bar, hopping up on a stool, and the bartender exclaims "Hey! There's a drink named after you!!"

The grasshopper replies: "You Do!? You have a drink named Steve?"

I think it was finally put into one of MacFarlane's animated shows.

The neutron asks, "How much will that be?"

The bartender says: "For you, no charge."

one gets up and cries "Ive lost an electron!"

2nd one says, "Are you sure?"

1st one says, "Yes, Im POSITIVE!"

and black and white and black and white?

a nun rolling down a hill.

hee hee

what is black and white and red (read) all over?

a Newspaper

(this is not one you can write down)

I was told that it was a sunburned zebra!!!

The penguin that pushed him!

yikes! I don't wanna imagine the frog while it's in the blender.

One says: Man it's getting hot in here.
Other says: Holy shit! A talking muffin!

Never gets old

Last edited Wed Dec 28, 2011, 01:48 PM - Edit history (1)

ok...nobody asked so I will tell you:


Moby Grape.

( I used to giggle at that every time my kid told it to me...)

Moby's dick.

"Who's there?"

"Impatient cow."

"Impatient cow w--"

"Moo!"


..........................
A six-year-old told me that. Hilarious.

Last edited Thu Dec 29, 2011, 09:48 AM - Edit history (1)

1st woman : Whatsup ?
2nd woman : I've got nobody to go shopping with
1st woman : Shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition
2nd woman : OK- I've got nobody to go shopping with - you cow.

There is, floating around, a much stronger end to that joke..I believe the "B"word is used.

They came upon a naked lady. They asked her if she was game; she said yes.



So they shot her.

From back in the days of vaudeville.

My sister married an Irishman.

Oh really?

No...O'Reilly.

They taste funny.

Never heard that one, actually.

Professional courtesy.

What kind of bees make milk?







Boo-bees!

Big holes all over Australia!

"Ouch!"

Stupid, but it cracks me up every time.

This is a county meeting?

No Robert's Rules, I take it. This guys an A-#1 carrot stroker, alright. Thanks for the laugh. I think I recognize him.

What goes vroom screech, vroom screech, vroom screech?

A blonde at a flashing red light.

a stick.

what the stickiest thing in the world?

a stick

.
.
.
... "all sticky" and I add, "You know, this is a joke and I really don't expect you
to come up with an answer."
.
.
.
Don't be surprised at kids' responses. You're pretty much giving them permission
to holler "POOP!!!"
.
"Nuh-uh, Mom... MiddleFingerMom MADE me yell that!!!!"
.
.
.

We've heard Kenny G's wife is asking for a divorce. She say's the Sax is boring and he refuses to play her organ.

Elephino.

(If at first you don't get it, pronounce it.)

Gov Chris Christie of New Jersey ?

First woman groans, "Oy."
The second woman, also groaning, says, "Oy vey."
The third woman sits and groans, "Oy veismir."
The fourth woman looks at the other three perplexed and asks, "How the hell do you know the names of my children?"

What fish has two knees? Twoknee fish!

Seriously...very good.

the vendor puts it in his cash box and moves on to the next customer. the buddhist asks for his change and the vendor replies...."change comes from within."

What do you call it when a chicken lays an egg and she's not sitting down?

A standing ovation.

I can attest to the noise they all make when one lays an egg, it sounds exactly like she is taking a curtain call...lol.
Can't wait to tell Mr. Dixie your joke.

One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Really cute. I'll have to use that.

A man walks by a table in a casino and passes three men and a dog playing cards.

‘That’s a very smart dog,’ says the man.

‘He’s rubbish’ says one of the players. ‘Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.’

How often do i like jokes about chemistry?



Periodically

Who's there?

A

A who?


egg.

Peggy Pflegm


How can you spot Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?

He's the only one with sesame seed buns

I'm 56

He was stapled to the chicken.

A fence.

It's butt!

Professional courtesy.

I hesitate to even mention how many decades ago.

You can smell the peanuts on his breath.

You know the interrupting cow one.

Moooooo

How do you get into this apartment building..?..to get someone captured by a witch?

because...
............On the first floor there is incredible heat..due to some malfunction in the furnace
.............On the 2nd floor there are 6 mean dogs who will eat you up if you enter
.............On the 3rd floor there is sand piled to the top of the ceiling
.............On the 4th floor is the witch who has captured our friend...

..........SO .....HOW DO YOU GET IN?????????????????????SIMPLE..........................

ARE YOU READY???

you eat...........................................a hot dog sandwich ............Hot Dog Sand Witch...get it???

Good one, too.

My youngest son, around age 6-7 at the time, brought a book with him when we went on a long car trip.

It was The Book of Polish Jokes, popular at the time, before political correctness.

He read it...aloud....laughing like crazy after each joke.
It was a LONG car ride.