It is to laugh - A Small Mix

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

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If God dropped acid, would he see people? -- George Carlin

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I was so drunk last night.
When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.
I crept upstairs very quietly...
It was only when I got to the top of the stairs, I realised I was on a freaking bus!

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Have you ever listened to a Maga for a while and wondered...
Who ties your shoelaces for you?

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At age 70, my grandfather bought his first riding lawn mower.
"This thing is great," he bragged to my brother.
"It took me only an hour and a half to mow the lawn.
It used to take your grandmother two days to do it all!"

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OLD IS WHEN

….. Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”
OLD IS WHEN….. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
OLD IS WHEN….. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
OLD IS WHEN….. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
OLD IS WHEN….. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
OLD IS WHEN…… When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
OLD IS WHEN….. “Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.
OLD IS WHEN….. “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
OLD IS WHEN…… An “all nighter” means not getting up to pee!

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Golden Years - my Butt

She's single... She lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and
knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I
have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?”
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!”
"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?”
Being a senior citizen, really sucks!

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Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. Bob suggests they go in.

Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. He explains they're about to get married, and asks,
"Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do," the pharmacist replies.
"Medicine for rheumatism?"
"Definitely," he says.
"How about Viagra?"
"Of course."
"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
"Yes, the works."
"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"
"Absolutely."
"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
"All speeds and sizes."
"Good," Bob says to the pharmacist. "We'd like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."

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Success is ...

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

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Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.
"Your wife makes a delicious roast,"one chief said.
"Thanks," his friend said."I'm gonna miss her."

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Two Magas purchased a bird dog. They took the dog out to give it a try. After
a long while one Maga said to the other, "Well, we'll throw him up in the air
one more time. If he doesn't fly, we'll shoot the son of a bitch!"

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