WASHINGTON—Saying he hated the thought of the less fortunate having “an empty spank bank,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly donated a large collection of classic skin mags to a homeless shelter Monday to help those in need during the holidays. “You know, not everyone is as lucky as ol’ Joe, so I want to spread the holiday cheer and give those who are down on their luck some classy pics with plenty of blue-ribbon bush to keep their Yule log burning all night, if you catch my drift,” said Biden while carrying a cardboard box filled with vintage issues of High Society, Oui, and Swank, a dubbed VHS tape of Traci Lords’ Not Of This Earth, and half a dozen pepperoni sticks.

“I just snagged these from around mi casa. Man, there’s some great shit in here, but sometimes you’ve got to share your blessings with those who don’t have much. Hell, I don’t use them all that much anymore, and the holidays can be pretty damn lonely.”

At press time, sources confirmed Biden was carefully ripping several pages out of a 1973 copy of Penthouse after realizing he couldn’t part with a “hot little minx’s” centerfold. - The Onion