A questionnaire for our Trump Cult friends

The Rapture
By Jim Riggins, The Accidental Conservative

Again, this section is not part of the questionnaire (from another article related to this one). We non-believers just need answers about an event that is sure to ruin the day for many of us. We have no idea when the Rapture thing will happen. For instance, will it happen next Tuesday? December 18th of this year? Next summer around the 4th of July? The suspense is killing us. Out of fear more than anything else, we non-believers have coalesced around a few questions we need answered. They are:

• If both pilots of the plane we sinners are on suddenly beam up to Heaven mid-flight, what should we non-believers do? Push the call-button for help or just brace for impact?
• Isn’t it ironic that preppers don’t need to prep for the greatest disaster to ever hit earth?
• When Believers go to Heaven, do they shoot up like Superman, fade slowly or just blink out of existence? Many of us think they will dissolve into air like on the Enterprise.
• Does anyone know how many people are needed to run a nuclear power plant?
• How long does the Rapture take? Seconds? Days? Seven for instance? If we are going to Hell, the general-consensus among us sinners is that we want the whole thing over with as quickly as possible.
• What if our home-owners’ associations do not allow the Rapture?
• Does Amazon ship to Hell?
• Will we get data there?
• Will there be places in Hell to recharge our phones like at the airport?
• Should we stop all mail and for how long?
• What does Satan really think about grabbin’em by the p***y, slayah?
• Can we bring anything for Satan that he can’t get in Hell?
• On our way to Hell, will any of us sinners get trampled by good Christians who thought they were going elsewhere?
• Isn’t it ironic that Trump Christians are going to Hell?
• Do lost Amazonian tribesman who never got a chance to be saved still have to go to Hell? What about Jewish tribesmen? Nazis won’t find them if they’re lost. How will this affect the Rapture?
• This is a bit off the subject but what unlucky sap on the Ark got stuck collecting all the spiders?
• Finally, if we’re in the shower during the Rapture, can we at least towel-off and get dressed before we go to Hell? Eternity is a long time to be naked even without shrinkage being a problem.