IF ORGANISTS WROTE THE NEWSPAPER WEDDING COLUMNS

(No idea where this came from originally, but it was passed on to me & I couldn’t resist sharing!)

On Saturday the 9th of August, at well after the stated time of 2:00 p.m. Ann Jones and Bob Smith were married at Our Lady of the Sorry Acoustics. The delay was altributed to the late arrival of an aunt of the bride, and was deftly covered by organist Reginald Laudfuss (now celebrating his seventh month at the church), who improvised on an original theme for over ten minutes. This improvisation was accomplished in all minor keys on the church's instrument, a fourth or fifth rebuild of what was originally a dreadful theater organ from the Roxy.

Mr. Laudfuss chose a lightweight summer robe of lustrous burgundy to conceal his cutoffs and T-shirt. The organist's shoes, in tasteful black, were by Organmaster, accessorized with upgraded laces from Thom McAnn. They are his third pair in about fifteen years. The wedding party wore the usual clothes.

There were a sufficiently large number of attendants to require a lengthy processional but, despite last night's rehearsal, they heedlessly hurried up the aisle, resulting in a drastic compression of The Prince of Denmark's March. This critical number, featuring the 8’ Tuba purchased pre-voiced over the internet, was therefore performed with no repeats, and Mr. Laudfuss pointedly ended on the dominant in protest.

After a few minutes of talking by a clergy type, the organist played the first four phrases of the Schubert Ave Maria on the shimmering Choir Gershorn 8" (no tremolo) while the couple did something. Later, somebody's female relative sang a breathy rendition of The Wedding Song. The soloist, whose customary venue is a country-western bar, attempted to continue singing during the instrumental interludes. Mr. Laudfuss responded by trying to
cover her erroneous entrances with an obbligato on the Swell Trompette 8' (Wicks, 1940's, revoiced by Gantt in the 1958 rebuild), totally destroying the ethereal effect created by the subtle chiff of the Choir Gedeckt 8'.

The recessional was the Mendelssohn, chosen despite Mr. Laudfuss's counsel to the contrary. It was played on a satisfying plenum in ABABA form as the wedding party exited the church, after which Mr. Laudfuss launched into the Widor Toccata. The guests rudely began conversing during the postlude, but the organist added stops to match them decibel for decibel, masterfully maneuvering each drawknob, coupler and piston without missing a single note, bringing the piece to a breathtaking conclusion using the Sforzando button.

The bride and groom went to college somewhere, but they did not take any music courses. After their honeymoon they will disappear into suburbia and produce children. The highlight of their anniversary each year will be the replay of Mr. Laudfuss's stunning work via a wedding video.