I thought I had made up "Take my wife... please!" Apparently, when you're little, you have difficulty with the difference between the concepts of making up something vs. retrieving something from your memory. Or at least I did.

Why didn't the man have any toes? Because the tow truck took them away.

OR

A woman got on a bus with her little dog named Itchy Bum. While the bus was moving, the dog jumped out the window. The woman yelled, "Oh, my Itchy Bum! Oh, my Itchy Bum!" The driver said to her, "Well, why don't you scratch it?"

Both tres lame. I like your first one.

dogs and they were named freeshow and seymour and the woman was naked for some reason.

forgetting her pegnoir. (That's robe, for you plebians) She ran naked down the boulevard, shouting out her little poodles name "Freeshow! Get my Freeshow!! " ("Freeshow", as we youngsters knew, is French for "anything to imagine adults naked".)

a woman on a bus, trying to open a bottle of aspirin, had it pop out of her hand and fly out the window. She screams, "My aspirins! My aspirins!" Bus driver yells back, "Well, why don't you stick it out the window lady."

I say as.prin but this joke assumes I say as.burn.

Funny!

I'm easy. i laugh pretty much all day long.

Q: What's red and square?
A: A red square.

now to find out if the person is stupid...

Q: What's grey and triangle?
A: A grey triangle.


also

Q: Who's buried in Grant's tomb?
A: Grant.

and

Q: If a plane crashed on the border of North and South Carolina, where would the survivors be buried?
A: You don't bury survivors.

A stick.

nice. and here i was gonna say poo.

nice burn! yeah all the locked threads and extreme enforcement of what can be posted where here on DU3 is a bit much.

A big purple rock eater.

A cow fell into a mud puddle!


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

What did the traffic light say to the car?
~Don't look, I'm changing

What happened to the fly that sat on the toilet seat?
~Some bum pushed him in

Knock Knock
~Who's there?
Banana
~Banana who?

Knock Knock
~Who's there?
Banana
~Banana who?

Knock Knock
~Who's there?
Orange
~Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Knock Knock
~Who's there?
Boo
~Boo who?
Don't cry your momma loves you.

Hold one little green ball in one hand, and the other little green ball in your other hand.

That was courtesy of the Immediato Brothers stage show circa 1975, also known as "Three Little Bakers". Fun guys,
ran a family dinner theater here in Pike Creek.

What do you have when you hold one little green ball in one hand, and another green little ball in your other hand?


Kermit the Frog's FULL Attention!

but they did like Jackie Gleason, and I do remember this one from the very early 60's, when I was about five or six:

A little Irish man goes into a Catholic Church, and gets into a confessional. (Now, back in those days, there were three compartments, one for the priest in the middle, and one for each of two penitents on either side, there were sliding partitions where you couldn't hear more than mumbling from the other side.)

He's waiting a long, long time, and hearing no sounds, says, "Father, Father, are you there??" (Jackie used an Irish brogue for this.)

A voice comes back from the other side: "After he heard what I confessed, he ran to the police!"



I had just learned about what we called "The Sacrament of Confession" in Catholic school, and I knew the priest was supposed to take what he heard there to his grave, so that was pretty damned funny to me. Not sure how mother felt about it, but Dad laughed pretty hard!

Too bad I can't remember the first joke I've heard. I don't know if it wasn't funny enough or I just have a poor memory.

.
.
.
I was about 7 or so and MiddleFingerMomSis had brought her BF home from college
for Sunday dinner so that he could meet her (our) parents.
.
I don't know how many times I was told by how many people that I had BETTER be
on my best behavior.
.
They all knew much better than to do that. They really did.
.
.
Someone told a "polite" joke. Mildly funny. Chuckles all around.
.
.
It was my moment.
.
"What does Superman say when he flushes the toilet?"
.
My sister turned pale white.
.
"See ya later, Super-poop!!!"
.
My sister started crying for Mom to "do something about him!!!"
.
My Mom was banishing me upstairs to my room.
.
My little brother and Dad were staring at their plates, doing a
not-very-subtle job of desperately trying not to laugh.
.
I and my sister's BF were laughing our asses off... helpless in
the grip of that stupid stupid hilarious formal dinner poop joke.
.
.
Worth it. Worth every no-dessert-bedroom-banishment moment.
.
.
.
Like Steve Martin in "The Jerk"... I had found my special purpose.
.
.
.

Johnny of the Connecticut Fuckerfasters.

Last edited Thu Dec 6, 2012, 12:34 AM - Edit history (1)

I was probably around 5 or 6, at a visit to the family doctor for some typical childhood problem, accompanied by my mother. Small town, the doctor was a family friend, had a daughter in the same class as my older brother, and my parents occasionally meet the doctor and his wife socially.

I don't remember the context, but near the end of the appointment, the doctor commented to my mother:

Do you know, Ellie, what are the the three stages of aging in men? First they forget names. Then they forget to zip up. Then they forget to zip down.

"Why did the little moron tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?"

"Because he didn't want to wake the sleeping pills."

(Even at age 5, I thought this was a REALLY stupid joke.)

More like 1 liners...

She's so ugly, when she enters the room, the mice jump up on chairs.

She's so skinny, when you enter a restaurant with her, they ask if you want to check your umbrella.

She's so dumb, she brought lipstick to a make up test.

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says:
"We don't serve food here."
Ha!

the punch like was ......that's not my belly button---that's not my finger either. Odd what we remember .

Now updated :

But my favorite joke from when I was little is:

Q: Guess what?
A: That's what!

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Adam.

Adam who?

ATOM BOMB!!!

I also remember a juvenile dirty one about expecting more from standard, and getting it...in the form of a big ding-dong.