I've been cleaning up my apartment, and thus, stirring up clouds of dust, as I get rid of things and shred old paperwork. I'm suffering through my allergies here at work, yet I'm not going to take anything for it. Maybe this evening, but I have to be careful.

I am feeling something, at least with getting this done (before my "deadline" this weekend )

That's a good explanation, and something I can think about (as I clean more!)

I've had a real "lust" for getting rid of the mess I call my home. I feel like I'm shedding my skin....getting rid of lots of old paperwork & stuff, while stirring up 20 yrs of dust in the process! I've been in a complete funk for the last 2-4 yrs. Finally, I'm gradually feeling alive again!
I'm also attributing it to my Saturn Return. Not to mention all this Piscean activity is taking place in my 4th house.
Look out world, I'm comin' back at you soon!

Breaking up with my past-wife started me back into my old habits and a clean, organized apartment fell into disarray. Now I'm trying to get rid of six-years worth of "stuff" and all the cleaning that goes with it.

I already had lots of stuff anyway, having held onto some things best used in a house (that we almost got, and might have had I not been laid off the same week we were to sign on it.) So, they sit in the large closets, not useful for much else anyway, as I only need one closet, living alone

It will be nice to get to my comics collection again, though...

based on your icon & name. I am on the cusp of Sag, Nov. 22, tho my sun is in the last degree of Scorpio. Interesting that we are experiencing this together.

But I don't know anything about astrology beyond that. As with regular astronomy, as much as I love to look at the heavens, my eyes glaze over when confronted with all the mathematical details associated with both

My avatar is a representation of my love for centaurs, and I don't mean the asteroids

I have a blog (where I have written posts too long to read!) and where I have attempted to figure out this attraction to centaurs: http://chironincarnate.wordpress.com/

It is still interesting that we are having similar experiences with both decluttering and emotional turmoil. Even with a girlfriend, not having her here the whole six years we've known each other has made it difficult on both of us. Nonetheless, I do hope our love has only strengthened and we get together permanently.

(((sniff))))

I decided to throw the cat out into the patio when I go to bed. We both have allergic fits when Figaro sleeps at the foot of the bed.

His nephews the punklets spend the night on the patio when it's cold. They're outdoor cats in the daytime.

You would not believe how expensive prescription eyedrops for allergies are.

How about $27,000.00 per liter? Yes, I calculated that.

Purchased five ml at a time.

I close the door at night. It's partly because of any lingering allergies and also because while he'll jump up on the bed while I'm trying to go to sleep, he'll jump down and leave just ten minutes later. So, I have prevented that ritual and just say my good nights to him before I head off to sleep.

He showed up as a stray, and while I was allergic to him at first, I think my allergies either became subdued or went away. So, I can hug him, or do a little "corporal cuddling" and I'm fine later, no sneezing or asthma

As a reminder:

Walk in light.

Surrendering our thoughts is helpful, too. I noticed when I decided to give my anxious thoughts over to God, this afternoon, my eyes shifted to the right a notch, indicating I was headed towards right-minded thinking which is creative thinking.

eom

Not sure what I am feeling.. some calm...maybe a little more balanced, but I have to work really hard to keep my footing. Also dealing with a lot of physical pain so that if I get a spurt of energy, it is very difficult to act on it.

I keep trying to open my heart, to love and to allow myself to feel love.. but I am feeling what seems like the echoes of past feelings and still wondering if I have ever really loved.

The best that I can do, I guess, is to stay alert and to stay conscious of my choices as I make them. Little lessons keep popping up... stuff I can finally see and make choices about. But I am still feeling pretty numb..except that I am very happy for you all, who are feeling this beautiful stuff...and who are riding the wave of love and consciousness.. I guess that is what I will be doing.. I guess I will be waving as you all fly forth....



P.S. Just noticed that I am also feeling a little wistful

Yanno.. I think you may be right...Today was a kind of turning point in lots of areas! I hope this doesn't just mean I am getting manic in my dotage


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Bless you for holding the Light...

to what was happening and I noticed that yesterday, I felt compelled to be more of myself... when situations arose. But the exercise I mentioned before of visually bathing or framing your current scene in life with golden strokes helps in a most glorious way.

If nothing else it stirs the heart in emotion and I'm thinking it is like tuning an instrument or sending a vibration, like a "power-up".

I no longer work with fear of losing my job. That's a major relief. I have no particular goals around either job; they are paychecks, nothing more.

I found a message on my answering machine last night from the lead hematology tech asking me to come in for a couple hours on Thursday to be trained on the new instrument. I went nearly ballistic. The new instrument has been there for over a month and last month I had tons of available time to train on it. Instead, she waits until right before I head into a tightly scheduled month by trying to wreck 1 of the only 2 two-day weekends I have. Never. Again. This afternoon I called the lab supervisor armed with a saccharin voice backed up by bazookas, tanks, grenades and a couple nukes. She was armed with...er, nothing. I can learn to stick a spec on the thing during my scheduled work day on Saturday. The hema tech can give me the full training on the 27th, when we're already scheduled to work together. And I'm right, it really is a pity the hema tech didn't think to call me a month ago to schedule the training.

But that's the thing. I'm walking around ready with my nukes for anybody ANYBODY who dares step in my space. I'm the quintessential old man yelling at the sky, "GET OFF MY LAWN!!!!!"

I was so happy and grateful to report for work today at a psychologist's office. When you've been out of work, ANY job is a blessing, ..But this was the same office I walked in off the street and the manager was impressed with me yet didn't have anything..and gave a lead for somewhere else. I had called her back to give grateful thanks, and I felt like it was that action that put some things in motion. But it was a few weeks before I heard back, she was out due to illness and then no returned phone calls. I walked in again...and then she said she'd ask her boss and call me back. She did, 3 hrs sooner than expected.

Now, today when I arrived, the manager was behind schedule so I had to wait while she got some things together for my work. I used that time to look around. It was a nice, fairly peaceful office with ahh...classical music playing, Strauss, Debussy, Grieg..etc...

I was listening to more than music..things I heard people say, ..symbolic meanings, and then I'd help with something and she'd say:

"See, that's why you're ...HERE."

I noticed all kinds of little synchronicities, and then I saw a Christmas cactus, that looked exactly like the one I had left at the old house. MY CACTUS. This cactus looked the same except three times bigger.

It was me. My soul has grown at least threefold... I was blown away at the message, all against the backdrop of Wagner and Respighi.

Well, it was still WORK, but I got through it and was invited back! HAHAHA!

then people from the bottom trying to drag me down into the mud with them.

Mostly they don't exist in my universe any more, but once in a while I step outside my door or listen to my answering machine and there they are.

Still trying to learn not to fear them, due to memories of real damage done in the past, and to "lose them" without generating karmic waves, so to speak. That is, in spite of my fear, to handle the situations gently but firmly. "No" means "NO."

It helps, I find, to remember I am carrying a big stick (eg, my experience with my work schedule yesterday), but only show a little glimpse of it.

Another, tougher, example is my neighbor across the street. After years of occasional harassment by him, he is suddenly being nicey-nice. His harassment never harmed me -- despite his attempt, for example, to turn my horses loose into the busy road -- but he is in a position to really make my life miserable due to close proximity.

I don't know whether he is trying to case my house for robbery or whether he's thinking of replacing his current girlfriend with me

But I really just want to be left the hell alone, especially by him and certain other immediate neighbors.

I will be taking some steps this summer. I plan to replace my dead and cut down maple with a tall hedge. Hopefully CMP will take down the other maple, that wants to overhang the powerlines.

Also to put up "no trespassing" signs across the front, so any trespassing will immediately be criminal.

And once mud season is over, will go back to using the back door when I come and go.

Out of sight, out of mind, and all that...

It should be inclusive, not exclusive. Good luck in your situation.

and I have a right to it.

My boundaries have been violated too many times in my life, by both sexual molestation and physical abuse and part of my life's lessons seem to be focused on my need to learn that 1. I have a right to boundaries and 2. an obligation to myself to set and hold those boundaries.

I worked hard and sacrificed much to have my own home, and some quiet and peaceful time in it. I don't think Neptune or any other planetary energy obliges me to allow really negative assholes into my space, any more than I was obligated to allow the stalker at work (or the sex offender who drove me out of my last home) to stick his dick inside me so he would feel included.

I'm not going to tolerate incursions onto my property by alcoholic headcases who have attempted to injure my horses, stolen my tools, left cigarette butts near my *barn* (trying to burn my barn and horse down?) while trespassing, into my life. Oh, and then there was the moose liver he left in his front yard by the road, presumably in an attempt to lure my dogs into the street where they could be killed.

I don't trust his sudden attempts at nicey-nice. He told me 2 years ago a friend of his wants to buy my house -- at total bankruptcy price (half its market value). I don't think I'm obliged to give the last of my life savings to his friend. I sacrificed much to own my home. He can stay the fuck off my lawn and away from me and my furfamily. This is a stupid creep who actually poisoned one of his own dogs. My expectation is that he is up to no good because that is his track record.

Neptune can take its inclusiveness and shove it. I am not obligated to include assholes in my life so they can shit all over it and leave me with a stinkin' steamin' heap of feces in its place. That is all.