If she's not in a small town where the church is the only community, she should be able to build new feeling of community around the things she likes.

Like cooking? Join/start a cooking club. Gardening? Join/start a gardening club. Like helping people? Hospitals/assisted living facilities generally need volunteers. Music? There's probably some sort of music community. And so on.

A specific fix is going to depend on where she is and what she wants out of her community.

I can't imagine it's easy to leave after all that time.

Depending on where she is, there may be a freethought society, or even a UU church where you get the trappings of a religious community, but atheists and humanists are welcome. It's not the same community, but it may be a community she can be herself in.

Article from Common Sense Atheism, on dealing with religious friends as a new atheist. I just Googled on a few terms like "atheist but all friends are religious" etc.

Best of luck to her!

http://commonsenseatheism.com/?p=15359

That's a great site, too.

They're quite popular even here in the bible belt.

one that will accept and embrace agnosticism/skepticism and/or any "spirituality" she may wish to express.

Surrounded by believers, including Young Earth Creationists. Not ostracized. (yet )

The only two tidbits of info which might help:

• avoid friction: no need for your friend to clarify why she doesn't believe
Even if they ask, they're not really interested to understand/change (*). Let sleeping dogs lie.

• build on commonalities: if there's a charity drive, your friend can participate.
Or have discussions if some people are really interested in intellectual debate (exception to *)
But I would wait quite a while before this type of discussions.

My two cents, best of luck to your friend

Thank you for that, best of luck to you as well.

1- she can make people switch to soft unbelief

2- she can make pastors doubt (my favorite game )

I hope she has better luck with believers than I have had. Of course, all the following was my own stupid fault.

In chronological order:

Sang in a church choir because I liked to sing and they needed singers. Knew I was atheist, promised not to proselytize. Broken on first day.

Married in fast-food type chapel. Husband warned officiant (is that the right word?), "No religion." Officiant: "For marriage is a HOLY....." (HOLY repeated as many times as he could work in - a lot.) I suppose he rationalized that he didn't say "God." Shouldn't have paid him.

Chartered a boat to scatter Mom's ashes. Recommended by funeral home, turned out to be a priest. Warned, "No religion," couldn't resist, "Vaya con dios." I could tell he thought I was too ignorant to get it. AND he told us, if questioned, to say we were friends - i.e., he was dodging taxes. And no doubt various business rules. Shouldn't have paid him.

I don't trust them as far as I could throw them, which isn't even an inch. They rationalize whatever supports their perceived "higher purpose." Even if you've paid them and they've agreed to the terms.

Whew. Buttons pushed. Only marginally related to question. Sorry.... (She said, picturing John Belushi handing Steven Bishop back his guitar.)

People need to be aware of stealth religionists who'll take advantage of any situation.

They won't hesitate to "pray" on folks who are too trusting.

Sorry you had to deal with them. I am much less forgiving than I used to be of anyone who pushes my buttons.

I will make a scene.

I should have made a scene at both the wedding and the funeral. My only excuse is I was under 30 and under 40, respectively. I hope today I would either make a scene or not make those hiring mistakes.

Losing one's community is really scary. I know quite a few unbelievers who haven't been able to leave.

Trying to fit in where you know you don't belong can be exhausting, trying to please people you care about but not being able to be completely honest with them.

I don't envy her.

I'm surrounded by believers. I can't 'try to fit in' as a member of the religion.

The trick that worked for me was to be the unobtrusive person in the landscape.

Even as an unobtrusive person in the landscape who would answer back if challenged.

Maybe not a duplicable recipe, probably depends on the atmospherics.

and it's why membership is declining. We can't blame it all on the Millennials.

Last edited Fri Jun 12, 2015, 12:49 AM - Edit history (1)

They are entering a new phase of their life, one that is very uncertain. It can be exciting, but at the same time quite frightening. I would suggest providing alternatives, including written material and allow her to find her own footing, so she feels in control. One of the biggest "mistakes" people make when "helping" someone who is coming out, is 'telling' them what to do or how they should do it. The situation is always individual and unique and must be treated as such. She needs some who will listen, not dictate. Someone who provides comfort, not restraint. Most of all, she needs someone who will be honest and that includes talking about the "bad stuff."

edit: didn't proofread!

Well said.

I hope no one shuns her. I have lost friends because of ideological differences but what I went through was nothing compared to what she will experience if one or more of her friends turn on her simply because she stopped believing.

What you said makes a lot of sense.

You are awesome, thank you.

What an excellent analogy.

I live in Texas and work with a lot of religious people. I live in a bit of a closet, too. Luckily I have a great family (and my sister is gay).

She won't be living a lie, unless she tells herself that. If she knowingly treats it as an opp to interact, she'll be fine

And still do today when I visit my hometown. Sing the songs. Drink the coffee. Talk about work and the weather.

I was never a believer and was raised without religion so I can't begin to understand what she's going through.

I didn't see that one when I googled, thank you.

Part of why I like Recovering from Religion is that it is a sign of there being a greater community among atheists. This seems from what I saw to be part of your friend's difficulty. It is probably one of the most insidious aspects of religion, getting people reliant on it for community.

And if you try to leave you risk getting shunned by people you care about.

It's a form of emotional abuse.

[font style="font-family:'Georgia','Baskerville Old Face','Helvetica',fantasy;" size=4 color=teal]I would slowly remove myself the church centered community and try to integrate myself in with (as suggested above) a community not centered around the church.

From there I would slowly show my more skeptical side to those around me and based on their reactions choose whether it was better to stay in stealth mode or "come out."

I would think that those friends she made in the church that truly care about her would keep in contact with her and might even join in with any new community she joins. I would think friends like that would not reject her.

Anyways, that how I would do it if I were in her position. [/font]

A lot would depend on what kind of church and how they view atheists. She could use the label 'skeptic' to break the ice if she doesn't want to use the a-word.

Thanks for your thoughts!