If Dr. Seuss Wrote the Bible, Oh, the Weird Places It Would Go
September 18, 2015 by Mike Stanfill

On Wednesday, Reddit user monkey_shins posed this question in r/AskReddit: “If Dr. Seuss wrote the bible, what would be your favorite passage of scripture?”

Shortly afterwards, a roaring sound pierced the ether as hundreds of erstwhile blasphemers cracked their knuckles for an attempt at heretical glory.



As you might expect, the results varied widely in quality but they were almost always amusing reforgings of Biblical accounts. Like, for instance, user narcolepsyinc‘s story of Elisha and the bears (2 Kings 2:23-25):

Elisha was walking, on a day that was sunny. When some children approached him, said his bald head was funny.

They laughed and they pointed, they made him feel bad. They mocked him, which rocked him — and made him so mad!

He stayed as they teased him, and then decided to go, he turned back to face them, saying “I’m God’s friend, you know…”

And as soon as he said that, a chill rose in the air. “Look!” the kids shouted. “In the trees, it’s a bear!”

But it wasn’t just one bear, holy smokes, it was two! And they massacred those kids, as bears are known to do.

They mauled them, and hauled them — and tore them apart. Over there flew a leg, over here flew a heart.

And Elisha just watched, then he winked to the skies. “I’m happy I know God, and that God likes bald guys.”

...

A few attempts went directly for the “Eww” factor. First, this juicy nugget from SpaghettiSauced:

“There she flooped after her lovers til her flu-floopers were sore, whose slum-slunkers and blum-bloopers were like those of donkeys and more, and whose emission was like that of the horses next door.”

(Yes, that was Ezekiel 23:20. Look it up.)

...

There were also epic attempts at retelling of the story of Adam and Eve and riffing on “Oh, the Places You’ll Go,” but the “Brevity is the Soul of Wit” Award must go to TextofReason for his eloquent:

Horton wept.

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2015/09/18/if-dr-seuss-wrote-the-bible-it-might-look-like-this/