Healing vibes on the way to your heart.

I am reminded of something she loved. I said tug, yes, but good memories are OK with me.

our mother died. They were sad because our mother wasn't a loving person and that is what they didn't have. Best to you.

a few months ago, and then got a "How did we do" survey from the National Cemetery where she was buried next to my Mom, along with a map to where their graves are located. I don't know why, but that one hit me the hardest. The Medicaid survey was the scariest, as they threatened all kinds of stuff if it wasn't filled out properly and correctly. But seeing the placement of the gravesite sent me into tears for a while. I still can't believe she's gone, and I'm having a hard time realizing I'm the eldest in the entire family now. The last few nights, I've felt Mom's absence almost like it's a physical thing. Life's been really hard lately, and I really just wanted to rest in her arms for a few minutes of feeling like "it's going to be okay." I don't think we ever outgrow the need for our Moms.

My condolences to you, Maeve. Feels like you've got this handled, even if it does tug the heart hard.

Having lost my mom at age 93, I know the intensity of the loss, even as I knew how fortunate my siblings and I were to have her and our dad for so many years. May your good memories soon be more than the pain of your loss.

Or sign anything stating that you are a personal guarantor?

If not, you’re not on the hook for anything. I went through this nine years ago..

Appreciate the advice, but we're good (older brother lives out of state, so I'm handling it all)

Our relationship was complicated, especially the past 15 years or so as I became the caretaker and she resented giving up control. She became both demanding and dependent; I have vowed never to make my kids feel the way she made me feel at times.

And my eyes are leaking at the warmth you all are providing this grey Saturday. Thank you so much

Just wanted you to know that I was carrying a thought and a prayer for you today.

I wish you peace, comfort and rest.

I am so very sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling. I hope you can take some comfort from loving memories.

Losing a mother goes especially deep. Sending warm thoughts for comfort and peace.

My mother died in 2014 at age 93. I was her guardian for six years. We had a complicated relationship as well. And I still miss her.

These things do have a way of hitting you all of a sudden. I’ve been there. Here’s a hug.

has always been, for decades: "If you get sick, die"............but not before all the massive Health Care Corporate Complex has milked you dry of all your money in your last days....(Doctors, Corporate owned Hospitals, &Care Facilities, Medical Testing Facilities, Pharmaceutical Corporations, etc etc etc........And even the outrageous premiums for Corporate Owned Supplemental Insurances, and the prescription medical insurance corporations.............

Yeah it takes time. I was the executor of my dad's estate in 2008 and it took about six months to finally be done. Not like your working it each day but it takes time for everything to trickle in.

It was a pretty good one, so that will probably drop the amount.
Yeah, it just seems to take forever dealing with all the bits and bobs.

is typically about 10-20% of the "retail price" for HC. So the uninsured are billed the full rate. But most of them can't pay anything like that, so it is all bullshit numbers. The trust cost of services is about 20% of the billed rate, obviously, or else all the doctors and hospitals would be out of business.

But those who have to self-insure for whatever reason really get screwed.. We need universal HC and totally eliminate this bogus, fraudulent pricing system.

I've seen the bills and the reduced amounts accepted from insurance. I also know that without Obamacare we would have lost our house when I had emergency gallbladder surgery years ago. The system needs restructuring

There were only 2 companies in the Exchange. One company is still operating, and I guess must be OK. The other one literally left the state at midnight on December 31 and left everybody hanging. Faced with the lack of options with any company I had ever heard of, I decided to do one of those Christian pitch-in plans. That isn't insurance and they don't actually promise to cover anything. But they did process the medical charges and got the 20% prices instead of the 100% prices. So I rolled the dice with that one.

That company also had a condition that they would not cover ANY cancer treatment, even for a totally new diagnosis until you had been in their system for a year. In other words, if you were diagnosed with ANY kind of cancer during the first year, they would NEVER cover any of those expenses.

I think you know how this story ended. I DID get diagnosed with prostate cancer. Fortunately, my insurance broker knew about this Christian "pray for the best" plan and had advised me to buy a one-year policy from a real insurance company that would cover a new cancer diagnosis (not a pre-existing condition). That policy would pay up to $100,000. The problem came up that, because I had that "pray for the best" arrangement, the treatment was billed out at the full BOGUS rate of $140,000.

It took me about 4 months and dozens of calls to finally get the hospital to at least give me the "self-pay discount" which brought it down to about $60K as I recall. (If I were a Canadian, it would have cost $0. As an American, if I had traveled to Canada for the exact same surgery, paying out of my pocket, it would have been $25K, certainly no more than $35K -- this was 10 years ago.) So I came out whole, but that's the system we have, and I bet only 5% of the population would have been able to navigate this as successfully as I did. The rest would just go bankrupt.

Here's the real pisser. My urologist/surgeon was fantastic. He literally saved my life. All the people I encountered on the medical side couldn't have been more supportive and caring. They were all heroes in my mind. But they are forced to work in the worst HC system in the world, administratively and financially. The best of times, the worst of times.

I do apologize for this side trip, especially at your time of grieving, and I hope none of this comes across as a lack of compassion for what you are going through. I lost my mother a decade ago and my father will not be with us too much longer, so I honestly share your pain and hope you have the strength to grieve and heal at the pace that works for you.

I'm so glad things worked out for you in the end.
My dad was in insurance and left mom comfortable ( he died in 1980) and her second husband was both well-off and a bit of a miser, so money was not an issue for her (he passed in '13). We raised 4 kids on a single salary and then were self employed for some scary times...I know the fears of unexpected health issues.

I posted this thread to get me out of my own head as much as anything and it has succeeded. Thank you for sharing.

Losing mama is such a profound wound. Sending love and light to you and yours.

I extend to you my condolences on the passing of your mother. May memories of her eventually bring you peace and comfort.

With deepest sympathy,
MIButterfly

Hail the Traveler! May she go forth shining!

Medicare is truly a godsend. The only bill that we got from my mother's passing was for the helicopter that took her from the regional medical center to the hospital.

You were always the dutiful daughter giving your all and hope it all works out with the last of the odds and ends. I know when my mom passed, her Medicare and FEHB BCBS covered everything but the couple days she was in a hospice ($500/day that I picked up).

And yeah there comes that point when the finality hits (although in my family's case, it took about a year to get her house ready for sale and finally sold - thankfully she had paid off the mortgage 40 years earlier and fortunately she was lucid enough to sign off on a check for what would be her final estate taxes). With my sisters and I, it was a team effort with each taking on a critical part of the process, but we got it done and I know you will too.

Since she was in assisted living, her estate was liquid for those most part (5 different banks across two counties, two insurance companies and 32 small shares of stock...sounds like more than it ended up being) and it's mostly done. It the emptiness, the time I am no longer spending taking care, that seems...almost confusing. Now what do I do? Yeah, that is coming together, but it still isn't quite natural feeling, if that makes sense. And once in a while, it hits like it was yesterday.

and it's quite a process. I took care of my brother's estate in FL (he died a few months prior), and then my younger sister took the lead on mom (she had been ill for some time). We each hired a local law firm to help, and although there really wasn't much inheritance left, we took care of paying nursing home bills, selling remaining property, etc. It was a lot of work. One of my cousins stepped up and helped w/my brother's side of it which was a godsend. We closed my brother first, then settled out mom's. It's nearly 4 years later and the loss of my brother is still very difficult as we were closer, but it's hard to lose a mother as well - even if you didn't have an ideal relationship. Hugs to you.

I know it's a path, but nice to hear from others who have been down the same sort of road

Loosing a Mom is a trip as she is often our most important adult from our childhood. As to the possible bill, her estate is on the hook. You're just required to follow the estate probate rules. The Medical bills from the last illness or medical event are priority over almost all debts, so make sure that one gets paid after waiting to see if there was other coverage for that last 20%. Look up the rules for her state as to the priority of the debts. And be aware if there are no retirement accounts that were setup to transfer on death those are still part of the pool to settle the debts.

Other than the last medicals and we're OK there. We didn't have to go thru probate (tho I did get a lawyer's advice); most of her money was in accounts marked "pay on death to" which simplified everything. (My brother got good legal advice for her years ago, bless him!)
She was always worried my brother and I would fight over her estate. She didn't know us very well...we're on the same page all along.

Just wanted to make sure it was clean and as simple as possible. When I handled my sisters estate having beneficiaries and pay on death made things so much easier. My hat is off to you and your brother. You did her proud!💗💗🙏🏼

I can't believe it will be 20 years next month.
My condolences on your loss.

💗💗💗💗💗🙏🏼💐

We all love you.

My Mom died this past January. It had been a long time coming but it still hit like a ton of bricks, and we're still going through some of her financials. The process sucks so make sure you make time to take care of yourself.

Getting a bill later on just refreshes the pain and regrets.

Be very kind and forgiving to yourself, as you are to others. It's a big page to turn when a parent passes.

I still 'talk' to my husband and to my mom. Don't know if they get the messages, but it helps me to keep a little conversation going.

Sending strength and a offer to listen to you. Old, but I still have broad shoulders and they absorb tears well.

Hugs to you, Maeve.

❤️