When someone loses a loved one, we all feel a connection based on how we would feel if it was our loved one that was lost. There are the usual platitudes, "He's better off." Yes he is. That's why he took the gun to his head, rather than face the alternative. Or, she would have taken the stuff that was prescribed if your religion had not worked against assisted suicide.

"They are with God." That one hurts because you know it ain't true because there ain't no God for her to be with.


Still, when you face a person experiencing a loss, "I'm sorry for your loss" seems not enough, even though it is the most direct and correct expression of kindness.

So when the other statements are offered, there is nothing to do but recognize that the person saying them has your interest at heart. Thank them for being there for you and go on, knowing that they care.

I went through it forty years ago when my first husband died on Nov. 10. All these people kept trying to get me to come over for Thanksgiving. Fat chance.

My daughter is feeling the same way. Her husband died in March. She told me she has nothing to feel thankful about this Thanksgiving. Since I remember the feeling, I did not argue with her. She went to Montreal, where she attended a concert and went to one of her favorite restaurants. Then she went home.

I am glad she spent the day the way she wanted.