How I got through grief and came out whole.

When my beloved sister in law died back in 2010, I was, like the rest of the family, "prepared." She had been diagnosed with liver cirrhosis and given 3 months to live but then suddenly her organs failed and she died in the ER.

Unbelievable loss. We had our marriages and our babies on life's trajectory together. Then we had our divorces and remarriages. She lost her second husband to cancer. She was living with a friend, had stopped drinking and was visited by one of her kids (my niece) just the day before she died.

Her service was lovely but I was numb. It felt like I had died. When I returned to New Haven I was plunged into inconsolable loss. I thought time would heal but it did not. It stayed and stayed. I sought advice from friends. One was a neighbor who had lost a man he loved and so he could relate. He suggested that I write about the experience.

I did. I wrote a memoir which I showed to no one. I entitled it "Losing Ann." I kept pictures of her in happier times (but always seeming to have a drink in her hand) around. She was, in short, a "functioning alcoholic." Until she wasn't and died.

The private memoir was my saving. I also spoke to her grown kids at family gatherings, and even my ex husband (her brother). He was very moved and we came to a new place in our strained relationship at Thanksgivings and Christmas.

I came out of my fog of grief in another couple of months. Then I felt that I was ready to give up the memoir, which I regularly read. I deleted it from my Word file. I had finally let go of Ann without dismissing her memory and my love for her. But I was ready to let go and live. I need to tell my wonderful neighbor about how his advice was so helpful.

Thank you for reading this. I hope it helps someone.