I was not there when my mother died. She'd been in and out of hospital for about three months.

I can say this, that as a mom myself, I'd never hold against my son for not being there.

You loved each other and may the good memories carry you through right now.

And if I may offer - the last too days should not be the ones etched in your mind. Your whole life, cherished memories should be there. This is how we remember our loved ones growing up sharing our lives with them.

I hope that as time goes by, that these, vivid memories of happy time with her will be the stronger ones.

But, it will take time. Do take your time to bereave.

When my dad took a turn for the worse, my plan was to dash home, fetch my wife and return. I was 600 some miles away when I got the call. The thing is, nobody can know for sure when that time will come nor can allowances always be made. Condolences and peace to yourself and your family.

Condolences, CaptainTruth.

I know the same kind of pain.

My deepest condolences.

I wish I had some comforting words, but I've never found anything that makes it easier for those left behind.

Last edited Fri May 4, 2018, 05:20 PM - Edit history (2)

You take me back to 2006, the night my mom died. Once we got back from the hospital where she'd already made the jump to lightspeed before I could get there, I found myself the only one in the house who was still awake. So I came here and posted about it. Just a crazy little political chat room, this is. But it seemed like a good idea and I wanted just to put it on the record.

It turned out to be such a consoling, reassuring, and comforting experience - I wasn't prepared for it. A few moments after I posted, a reply came. Then another. Then another. Then another few. Then more. And on it went, all night long, as people here weighed in, reaching out to express sympathy, and empathy, to sit up with me, to keep me company. I was BEYOND touched. The bond that built for me, with this place, that night, I will carry with me til my own end-of-the-line.

Seems to me, at a time like this, you could use a reminder that you're not alone, CaptainTruth, and that you don't mourn alone. So let this thread be that. DU will buoy you up. Many pairs of strong broad shoulders are here to offer you something supportive to lean on. As DUer Skittles put it: "someone's always here." I still can't completely wrap my brain around how much that meant to me. AND still does. Just know it's there for you, too.

My condolences to you and your family for your loss. As someone said, hold onto the good memories and they will get you through the grieving period. I truly believe our loved ones aren't far away when they pass.

there is some good advice for you on this thread.
What I have seen is that when people are dying, they are half here and half somewhere else. I don't know what the somewhere else is but it seems to be a non-physical state where they are surrounded by the ones they love in life. In that way, you were with her and I am sure it brought her peace. Be kind to yourself like I am sure she would want.

Very difficult time

my sister and I did not make it back home before our mother died. We drove like crazy but ever made it on time so I understand what you are going through....my prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.....Bless you!

Again, I'm so sorry.

My heartfelt condolences to you.

... was to write down as many good memories that I had of my parents, individually or together. I started it while both my parents were alive, because I live in Europe, and after my father passed away even more memories came to the fore, so I went back and inserted them in chronological order.

i'm sorry you lost your mom

I am an only son and was the only one taking care of my mom during her last year. I did everything I could, but still feel a strange sense of guilt about... I do not know what. But I do not mean to make this about me.

Guilt is sneaky. Remember what you could and did do. Remember good times. Do not beat yourself up over what you could not do. Some things are so overwhelming that we let guilt be part of the misery we feel. I doubt any words can help you, but remember to love yourself and cherish the good times.

My brother called from the States to say she had had a stroke and would be gone by the time I got on a plane. So I didn't.

Some things you just gotta live with. Time heals it over, but you never forget, take it from one who has been there.

All the best to you.

I missed being with my Mom too. I got on the first train I could and headed out with a "stupid phone" that I had been given the wrong charger for. I didn't know she died while I was travelling until I got there because the phone was not on. I couldn't call back home from the motel my brother dumped me at because the stupid phone was dead.

It's a horrible feeling -- and it is not your fault any more than it was mine. Yes, you will live with it -- until, someday, you find the wound healing over. You find you forgive yourself, and your Mom for leaving you, and your brother (or whoever) for behaving badly in grief.

Try to be gentle with yourself.

I also lost my mother - and she wasn't sick, it was a sudden unanticipated accident. But I was also on DU at the time and I have to say that the kindness and support I found here certainly helped. It was tough to go through and you'll find that DUers will be there for you, too. Don't beat yourself up, your mother wouldn't have wanted that. Your mother knew how much you love her, I promise.

made peace with them because I know they would have wanted me to.

she would want you to be. That you, in your heart, want you to be. You can live the rest of your life as an expression of the love you felt from her.

That would mean more to your mother than anything.

One of the realities of human existence is that when the physical plane creates a painful, finite separation, the infinite spirit moves in to heal you.

It is powerful and comforting if you allow it to wrap around you. Please allow it

Peace and calm

A number of years ago I was also in that position as I was miles away and my mother was ill and couldn't get there in time.

I too was not able to be there at the end, fortunately I had been able to visit just a month or so prior to her passing and it was a good visit and that is how I will be able to remember her.

Look for the good memories and keep them with you. Don't beat yourself up for not having been there at her passing, there likely was nothing you could have done in any event.

think of the love when she was alive

But don't beat yourself up about not being there. Instead cherish your good memories. Perhaps somehow, she didn't want you there at the end? It happens a lot.

I can almost say for certain that your Mom knows and it is ok. She would never want you to live with a moment of guilt. She would wrap her arms around you and tell you it was ok, not to worry. I've been a mom for 34 years now. I would never want my boys to carry that kind of guilt.

Again, I am so sorry. Let peace rule in your life, especially now.

over not being there. Just remember the good times.

Mom’s know especially. Love is love. Your love was there. The physical presence isn’t as important as your spiritual presence.

She knows. ❣️

I wasn't able to make it in time when my Mom died either.

You can't blame yourself for circumstances beyond your control.

But please, please don't do this to yourself. I promise you your mother wouldn't want you to live with that layer of guilt over your grief. She would want you to go on living your life to your fullest extent.

For all you know, she might have preferred you NOT be there -- it's said that people choose when to die, whether to have the loved ones with them or not. So many stories of "she died soon after I left her room," or "he waited til we were all there to die."

She loves you and knows you loved her. That's all you need to remember -- other than your fond memories, of course.