It has helped me immensely.

I just want you to realize, you're going to be going on a roller coaster of emotions, and so will your mom. It's tough, and just when you think it's getting better, it can come back with a vengeance.

Except my perfectionism that it should have covered ever since the diagnosis. But I'm going to try to squash that perfect being the enemy of the good.

Thanks. Also for the heads up about the roller coaster.

But sometimes I will notice myself struggling and I journal for awhile. I never would have believed that it could help so much. It helps to sort out and organize your thoughts, and then you can relax, knowing that you don't need to think about everything at every moment. I don't know if that makes sense. It's hard to explain. All I know is that, for me, it helps.

I do it on my computer because it's just so much easier to let that flood gates open.

Grief really IS very complicated.

but for some reason I've become resistant to actually doing it in the past few years (well, let's say probably more like in the past decade.) I'm going to work on getting myself to overcome that block and start writing in various ways again.

Thanks for the reminder.

I am sad for you crying but crazy stuff happens.

My siblings didn't want anything to do with Mom's ashes when she was cremated.
I got them, and am looking at them now 20ys later.

But it wasn't organized and apparently some people who weren't supposed to took some of the ashes. Maybe grandchildren or something. I don't know. Another example of how we were excluded from a lot of the decisions and planning.

We got a small baggie's worth, which is fine with me. I like the idea of having them, though I know it's creepy to some people.

I had my husbands ashes for for over 20 years. I had no intention of hanging onto them for so long. I had remarried and moved. A whole lot about my life had changed. Then one day my son came and got me and we went to the mountains and spread them. It was kind of surreal.

I think I'll leave a few requests for where I'd like mine to be strewn.

It's good that you're expressing your feelings. May peace and comfort surround you during this time of adjustment. Reach out when needed, holidays can be a tough time especially during the first year.

Holidays are already complicated since I can't bear to hang out with my abusive brother and his enablers. If I could put it aside for Mom's sake, I would. But it's been a long time coming for me to say no more and I just can't go back to pretending.

The sad thing is that Mom seems to resent time with my husband and me, because it's not with the brother, even though previous to our estrangement from my brother, we did lots with her or my parents together. without the others. And my "ally" sister very seldom came for holidays and nothing was ever said to make her feel like she was "breaking up the family," as I've been told I'm doing.

I guess Mom can decide if she wants to see us without the others or not at all. I hate to add to her distress, but that's how it has to be.

You don't have to put yourself through that for the sake of anyone else. You matter.