All this on top of COVID and Trump. It's all surreal.

for your losses and for the family issues surrounding your grief.

Grief is a very personal thing and you’re allowed to feel the way you do. Be gentle with yourself. May your brother’s memory eventually become a blessing.

she got so angry I said. She died last week and it did hit me hard, her being my moms younger sister. But it started all the questions on not stepping on other toes showing that I was sad with the loss I do feel the loss, and I have empathy for the kids and husband of my aunt.

I decided to leave them alone and hope that was the right choice and process my loss of an aunt I love, had history with yet was boldly reject. Anyway. Take care of you and sorry for the loss for the pain all are feeing.

on top of your grief.

But it allowed a time to reflect on the past, and past relationships that help us to become who we are. I am like you. I deal with death differently than most, so often where I am stepping on toes.

You are dealing with an awful lot on a whole lot of different levels. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you or could comfort you in some way but I don't/can't. Family dynamics are incredibly complex and there simply is no right or wrong, there just is. You have my deepest sympathies.

and say nothing. But you didn't let that stop you and I appreciate your reply.

And I'm so sorry for the complicated family conflicts that are making this already tragic situation a thousand times worse.

And please don't listen to people like your sister who claim to know God's intentions. In my opinion, nobody does (especially not religious leaders who claim they do), with the possible exception of people who have had near-death experiences. And in every account of NDEs I've read, people describe a loving presence, not one who would do what your sister suggests.

But that is just me, and I respect your atheism. (My best friend happens to be atheist, too.)

Please, please take care of yourself at this time and surround yourself with the people who love you.

I don't understand religion at all. I was brought up to be Catholic, but my mom was Methodist, and the fact that their marriage was opposed by goth families because of the religious difference was an early reason I found religion problematic. But I did try to believe in god, but from an early age I just didn't and couldn't. So, I obviously am often around people who talk about things that make no sense to me, because most people do believe in god. And most of the time I don't say anything.

But this thing with god killing my brother to bring my sisters and me together is disturbing to me in more than one way. First, it supports my feeling that religion is crazy. I mean, really. Your all powerful being can't come up with a better way to heal divisions between sisters? Not very creative and kind of an asshole, that god of yours. (Please forgive my speaking frankly about how I see that.)

Also, even though the sister who said that is also at odds with the other two sisters and had a difficult relationship with my brother because he sexually assaulted her when they were young teens and it was never addressed, because of recent events, I am the one seen as choosing estrangement, unreasonably, as most of the family sees it.

Too much weird shit that religions expect you to believe. As Bill Maher pointed out in his documentary Religulous, "A talking snake? Seriously?!"

But I've had several deeply moving experiences after some of my closest loved ones died that made me believe that the soul lives on after death. Just what the afterlife might consist of, I have no idea, and I agree with you that if there is a God, then she or he has some serious explaining to do. There is way too much suffering in this life to make any kind of sense at all. The only explanation I can think of is that our souls are experiencing heart-breaking things here in this physical dimension to make us more empathetic when we get to the spiritual dimension so that we can then turn around and help other souls who are still existing in the physical dimension. But I'm just guessing.

All the best peace and love to you!

He's a bit too libertarian for my liking, but many time he has given me some much needed laughs! And his take on religion rings true to me.

Thanks again for you kind words.

In some ways, it’s harder to lose someone with whom you aren’t reconciled. My dad had a cancer scare a couple decades back, when we hadn’t talked through the physical and emotional abuse I had suffered from him in my youth. He got better, and we eventually dealt with all that stuff. I got lucky in that regard. I’m sorry you didn’t.

I'm glad you were able to work through that. My dad was abusive as well, and we never quite got into it, but he knew how I felt about him in that context and he did apologize, if in a somewhat vague way and I did accept his apology. Though, the fact that he continued to be that way to a certain degree complicated that as well.

God your sister apparently believes in does not exist, at least not in Christianity... unless one worships Zeus, one shouldn't expect deity to meddle in human affairs. Sis needs to stare at the parable of the prodigal son until she's figured out rudimentary Christian theology.

My advice is to privately mourn your brother as you wish. As for your sisters, I'd let things settle down for a while. They may want to resume contact, but they don't sound like people you can really be intimate with. But, when Covid is past, they'll still be people you can share memories of your common past with.

A crisis is not the time to be stirring things up. I'm sorry it's happened to you.

I, too, think it was a wrong decision for her to make. For one thing, I know it upset my mother. However, I did suspect she might do this. I said to my one sister and to my husband, even before the text excluding us from my brother's funeral came in, that if she banned me from attending, I would honor that. I expected she would, naturally be angry over this tragic event and I seemed like an easy target for her anger.

On one level, I don't blame her. If this had happened to my husband, I would be so angry my head would probably explode and I fear what I might do.

Still, I did send her an email in response to her text, first and last expressing my profound grief and assuring her that she didn't have to worry that we would show up where we were not welcome. But I also told her that she had misquoted and misinterpreted me and a few other things I'm not sure I should have said, but needed to, and on balance I think were acceptable. She didn't reply and I didn't expect her to.

As for my sisters, that's just how I feel. For my mother's sake, I will try to put aside my anger and hurt about their behavior toward me and be at least able to coexist when visiting my mom. But I don't think I can ever be close to them again. They betrayed me and I don't easily get over that, especially when those who've betrayed me do not accept that they did and apologize.

Like she's a unifying force. Good luck!

Brother, whom she favored, would never agree. But she's, inadvertently I guess, always pitted the daughters against one another.

Also, she once said that the reason she never complimented us and criticized us a lot was because you're supposed to do the right thing, so why should you get complimented for it.

Also, she said that she always told her family and friends things that we, her children, did wrong but never the good things because she had a cousin who always bragged about her children and she didn't want to be like her.

Sigh.

I spent much time in therapy learning that she did the best she could.

Still, you may be right, and she'll turn out to be the unifying force now.

To build self-confidence, be proud and show it, all the things they should. My mother was a cold fish and I felt more like a duty. Actually, she was a pretty good mom when we were preschool. She had the best, hearty laugh. By the time we were in college, some sort of mental illness had set in...thinking about the times she beat me up, it started in elementary school. By college, she'd fly off the handle any time things went wrong... burnt biscuits, lost address book. Maybe she was bipolar, but we'll never know since she was perfect and would never admit that she was abnormal. Since Trump, I wonder if she didn't have a touch of narcissism. Woe betide the person who disagreed with her or criticized her! Then she could turn around and do something really funny and you'd have to laugh with her.

After becoming a stepmother to very hostile stepchildren, I finally figured out the secret to life! It isn't necessary to be loved, much less unconditionally. What is necessary is to love. If family's uncooperative
Love a pet or a cause.

Whew!

Peace and love to you and your family, if they can accept it. If they can't it is not your fault.

I wish that I had some words to ease your pain.

As an old construction worker I know how easy it is to hurt yourself on lifts, I have come close...

My husband is a house painter and if I let my self think about how dangerous ladder work can be, I'd never let him go to a job site. The slightest mistake could be fatal.

My brother was quite, I guess you could say, stubborn and we did hear that whatever he was doing on the lift his son had said to him, "Dad, don't do it that way." But he did it anyway. That breaks my heart. In so many ways.

sorry for your losses, too many too soon, for sure. I believe things unsaid and issues unresolved make the grieving so much harder. People are who they are and that has nothing to do with you. I was the "odd one out" in my family, my friends (the family I chose) have kept me "sane" thru the years. Lean on the ones who love you no matter what. Healing peace, love and joy vibes from a fellow atheist Dark n Stormy

not just in the atheism, though for many years I was still able to have reasonably good relationships with my siblings.

Over time, I'm not sure why, but I became less able to forgive their failure to respect my loves, my needs, and my boundaries. I too now am closer to a small group of friends who are more supportive and whose company I enjoy more. And they are helping now, but none live close enough for a drop in, even if COVID were not a complicating factor.

Thanks again for responding and stay safe, Faux.

lay bare problems that everybody was hoping would somehow resolve themselves.

For your loss and for the troubles within your family.

Stay strong for you and your husband. Take care of yourself and know that, sometimes, it’s not about you ... it is up to others, too.

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is probably the one driving the conflict and tension in the family.

If you brother was so upset by something you wrote, if he harbored animosity to you, he would not have sent you an unsolicited email. I've seen various family dynamics in my near 60 years, and I am really sensing that your brother might have been in an abusive relationship, where his wife was controlling his actions or punishing him if he did not follow her wishes.

Does your sister-in-law suffer from a borderline personality disorder or other mood/anger shifting condition? Many of this type want people to be beholden to them or do what they want and will denigrate and alienate those who do not participate in their schemes. I seems she is punishing you and your household because of a perceived slight a few weeks ago, that a funeral service should have outweighed. Perhaps your brother did want to reconcile, but it was not within his ability. Access to your brother's children might have been used to gain compliance by your other sisters, however, they are older now and should know better--but if they are living in the same household, they might also be hostages.

A Christian funeral is supposed to be a time when family gets together, even the 'black sheep,' and it was pretty selfish for her to exclude you, which also affects your nephews and siblings. Hopefully, she didn't pull that "Do you believe Dark n Stormy Knight didn't show up to her own brother's funeral" card. This just seems to set yet another event where denigration and alienation is reinforced to your nephews, siblings and other family members.

I know I have very few facts, but there are only so many type of family dynamics at play, and while people think their cases are unique, they all fit into a limited pattern.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, especially so close to your father's passing. This is extremely heart-wrenching to read about.

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and personalities here. With the evidence I've given, your theory wold be possible. However, I think you'll agree that it's not correct if I tell you a bit more.

Every one of my siblings, including myself, have the same variety of serious anger issues and other mental health problems. I have a history of "nervous breakdowns," bipolar, and occasional suicidal depressions. Every one of my siblings, though not I, are alcoholics, the two sisters on brother's side recently sober (perhaps for a year and a half.) Brother has a history of extremely abusive behavior, sporadically. Two arrests for road rage incidents. Nasty verbal attacks on sisters.

The sister I'm not at odds with presently, for instance, had stayed over at bro and sil's house after a New Year's Ever party a few years ago. After my husband and I left and everyone staying there went to bed, bro got up and woke up my sister to berate her for an hour or two. Sil knew this was happening, but did nothing to stop it. Just stayed in bed, I guess. Sister, stunned, had breakfast with bro & sil the next morning, acting as if nothing had happened, before heading home a six hour drive away.

The incident that caused my rift with bro was a similar attack. My husband and I had traveled to Ireland for bro's son's wedding. We hadn't traveled abroad since 1999, so we were extremely nervous and upset by the difficulties that I suppose frequent travelers just learn to live with. Also, husband has a morbid fear of flying, I have anxiety issues.

Long story somewhat shorter, our "constant complaining" about our frustrations was offensive to my brother who had issued a text warning by text a few months before the wedding that none of us had better bring any bad vibes to Ireland. Our second day there, he came up to the apartment we were sharing with my parents with a chip on his shoulder and picked a fight. Rather than addressing what specific thing I'd done to offend him, he went on a tirade saying the most hurtful things about me, and not for the first time in our lives snarling at me, "I don't care about you!" It culminated with him telling us we were uninvited from the wedding, to get out of the apartment (long story on why he thought he had that authority), and physically attacking my husband until bro's son came up to pull him off and take him away.

For that behavior he never apologized, unless you count him, the next day, flashing a peace sign at me and saying "me too" when my peace-making husband offered my brother his hand and said, "I'm sorry about yesterday."

Our entire trip abroad was basically ruined as my husband and I stumbled, dazed and confused, through Ireland and Wales, after the wedding we were reluctantly given permission to attend. After we got home, I fell into a deep depression and ultimately decided it was unsafe for me to be around my toxic brother. Everyone else in the family, except the sister he's sexually abused, blamed me for being too sensitive, basically.

Then, when my father became ill and I still chose to avoid my brother as much as possible, I was seen as a complete monster.

I could go on, but I already have, and I think you probably get the picture, now.

Oh, I should say that while I know you're not going to dis someone in their obituary, I don't think it's necessary to paint a picture of them as the second coming when they were a person like my brother. Now, he is sainted and I am the devil because I didn't adore him. If I sound bitter, that's because I am. Working on it, but I'm in a bad place right now.

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Now I feel bad for speculating, when there were so many factors involved.

If that were me, I would distance myself as well. I would also lean on a psychologist for advice on handling it, as they see these things all of the time and have the toolkits for processing and handling such matters. I don't know if you or your sister sought one out, and I don't want to pry.

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Many of my family members think I have a shitty therapist because after all I still have a lot of problems. Meanwhile, I credit my psychologist (and my husband) for the fact that I'm even still alive. So, yes, I agree with you. I'm leaning heavily on mine.

I have been trying to convince my sister to seek professional help for years. I continue to encourage her. Maybe now...

And honestly, don't feel bad about speculating. I wasn't kidding that I liked the way you were approaching this situation, because if this doesn't call for looking at things from that angle, nothing does!

Take care, Adder and thanks for your concern and your thoughts on this.

...sorry that you have been on the receiving end of some of that.

In 1978, my 23 yr old brother died in a scuba diving adventure that ended badly. Less than a month later, one of my uncles by marriage (the husband of my mother’s second sister) had a fatal heart attack while jogging. The middle sister responded to these events by saying, “Well, I guess no one is going to be happy until someone in my family dies.” She later also told me that I owed my parents a grandchild because my brother had died - not a good reason to have a child, and I wasn’t even married then.

What your one sister said about the God she believes in needing to kill your brother so the sisters could reconcile is ridiculous. I fall into the agnostic category, and one of the biggest reasons for that is that I simply cannot believe that any supreme being that might possibly exist would be as petty and mean spirited as to teach lessons, so to speak, using cruelty as a method of instruction. When my brother died, one friend said something about, “God must have needed your brother with him really bad to take him now (or words to that effect). It was of no comfort at all.

People who believe in god often describe him as a loving father. Would a living parent teach lessons in this manner? I think not.

I wish you some serenity and also some distance from those who would add to your distress by their thoughtlessness.

We don’t know each other, yet I hope you will accept a cyber hug from a stranger -

I'm so sorry for your losses. One of my best friend's brothers, one she was close to, died 20 years ago while skiing. He had undetected heart trouble and simply had cardiac arrest on the slopes and died. He was not yet 40 years old. My friend says that it still "sits like a stone" on her heart.

And I don't understand people like your aunt who say and believe, I guess, such hurtful and intrusive nonsense. And I agree with your thoughts about things people say about the god they worship. I don't see how the loving god fits with many of these beliefs.

And yes, I accept and return the cyber hug!

It's always hard but when there are divisions it just makes it all worse. Perhaps some of the offensive stuff will subside should they realize that you actually do care.

So very sorry for your losses and family discord.

I am really sorry for the life you've had which sounds like a really toxic family. What a terrible thing to have to endure your whole life, No wonder you have anxiety attacks, suicidal thoughts and depression. That is no way to live your life.

With your brother gone, you really do not have any reason to interact with his wife. That may alleviate some of the problem. But I do hope that you'll be able reconcile, or at least have a near normal relationship with your sisters. It sounds as if your brother was the source of a lot of the tension in the family. Not being insensitive, but with him gone, it may allow the four of you to actually get along.

You never mentioned your mother.

I know that in a lot of ways I am privileged and fortunate and many people have endured far, far worse things than I have. Nevertheless, I have struggles mightily, even if maybe some others would have been more able to handle my circumstances. I was always the black sheep and took a lot of abuse for being different.

You may be right, but I have a feeling my brother being gone and them talking about him now as if he were the greatest man to ever live, is going to make my sisters turn against me even more. And I'm still not able to trust them after what I see as a serious betrayal, especially after my many years of supporting them through difficulties, often of their own making.

I did just write a little about mom (post #35), in rely to Chainfire (post #22.) That's complicated, too.

I worked hard in therapy for years just to be able spend time with my parents. Both were very difficult in their own ways. And, both had their good points. The main thing, which should be obvious, but is hard to accept and have it help, was that they did the best they could with what they had.

By the way, I forgot to mention that a couple of weeks before my father died, my mom's only sister died. And the day of my brother's funeral, mom fell in the tub and broke a few ribs. She didn't know it until tonight when the pain got bad and my sister who is staying there this week took her to the hospital. She's home now and will be fine, physically, once the ribs heal, I guess.

I'm not generally superstitious and not at all religious, but I am paranoid now wondering what awful thing will happen next. My husband had a colonoscopy on the day of my brother's funeral. I was so worried he wouldn't come out of the anesthesia.

When I had the breakdown last year after Ireland, all of the things that had helped keep me relatively stable fell away. Meditation, yoga, walking, aerobic exercise, gardening, etc. My therapist just reminded me, not that I didn't know it myself, that if I'm going to go on living and if I want to make my life less miserable, I have to find a way to get back to doing those things. I'm working on it.

of your situation. I fortunately have a good relationship with my siblings, so can’t even imagine the emotional pain you deal with.

I’m glad you’re getting professional help. In the end that is probably your best course of action. I just hope you find peace in you heart and mind so you can live a fulfilled life.

I wish you peace in this new year.

a great support. I recently started using the “Calm” app and it’s like a new friend for the hard times.

Wishing you peace of mind as you walk through these challenges. Genuine condolences. Namaste.

What ever they may be. Family dynamics can be treacherous especially when there is a death.

That can be hard, especially in circumstances such as this.

I guess what I meant was that your feelings matter just as much as the feelings of the SIL. I honestly can't imagine telling someone not to show up for your brothers service. It's cruel to me.
I've lost several family members and even when they died, the emotional baggage of what was unresolved was still there. My relationships changed and I had to let some people go. Time will definitely help.

Losing two important people in your life in Such a short time, so difficult. Hugs and healing vibes sent your way.

Please know that you did the best you could do at the time, with the circumstances, information, & resources available to you.

Please seek out an experienced bereavement therapist to guide you through resolving your grief.

If you have a hospice organization near you, they will provide 13 months of therapy, to support you through the "year of firsts." Although you were estranged, issues might arise from earlier in your relationship (e.g., birthdays as kids, past holidays, etc.)

And please be gentle with yourself. Grief is hard work, especially when complex.

I am saddened to hear of your loss.

Healing vibes on the way to you & mom. 💗💗💗

I can't honestly promise I will see a bereavement therapist. At this time, thanks to COVID, money is tight and I am already cutting back on sessions with my psychologist. But I appreciate you offering the idea. I'm not saying no.

And I thank you for your concern and kind words.

Every hospice I've been associated with offers free bereavement therapy & most, if not all, are offering virtual therapy via phone, zoom, etc.

such a shock.
I hope you're close to your mother, she is the one who my heart especially goes out to, especially since she's undoubtedly still grieving for her husband. This makes her grief even more complicated than it would be regardless, by virtue of having lost a child. nonetheless, this is your brother and your own grief and shock cannot be minimized.

it is ridiculous that gawd killed your brother because of anything whatsoever to do with you.

these things are random and can happen to anyone. when i was 13 my 49-year-old father dropped dead of a heart attack. When i was 45 my daughter was run over and killed. No time for good-byes.

I am also an atheist; probably more concise to say a spiritual humanist. I hope you have a support system to get you through this and would recommend eventually seeking grief counseling.

peace and love to you.

Mom and I have had our ups and downs and she just could not accept that I was not avoiding my brother out of spite or exaggeration of the danger I felt he was to me because of my mental health issues. (Which, by the way, are not untreated. Just not "cured".)

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband lost his mother when he was 14 and he carries that loss with him still. And I cannot fathom how difficult it must have been for you to lose your daughter in that way. My heart goes out to you.

I do have a support system and thank you for your concern.

I am going to get off line now. As much as I felt a need to share what I'm going through, and as much as I appreciate all of the kind replies here, I suddenly just can't hold back the tears, again. Going to hug my husband.

period of time. Please be kind to yourself at this difficult time and do whatever you need to do to heal. How terrible for your nephews to watch helplessly as their father was fatally injured. It sounds like you have a loving and supportive husband, which is a real blessing and especially in life's challenging moments.

What deep grief you must be feeling.

Family relationships are complicated. During the holidays, even under normal circumstances, they can be very challenging. Added to that everything else that is happening with Covid, with the political situation, and so forth, no wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed! I’m especially sorry for what you went through with your brother and how his death impacts your memories and feelings. Please know that whatever you may be feeling now is okay, despite how your other family members may have behaved (either well-intentioned or ill-intentioned). This is a time to be gentle with yourself and I wish peace and comfort for you.

I went back & re-read your post two more times.

I'm seeing / hearing boundary issues, enmeshment, alcoholism, etc.

If I were in your situation, I would completely extricate myself from this situation & I have literally done so in my own life. But I have a somewhat unique take on life. I never enable pathology, refuse to accept pathological projections, & I make a really problematic "victim."

Those folks are "crazy makers." Toss in the crazy religious stuff, the stress of having recently lost your dad, the alcoholism, and now this crisis, and it is a recipe for disaster.

One thing that is certain: holidays & crisis situations constellate all the complexes, so being around those folks at this time would be a nightmare.

Also, alcoholics do not need to be drinking to displpay crappy, drunk-like behavior. There is such a thing as a "dry drunk." And alcoholism.is a progressive disease, so a person who has not been drunk in 20 years, for instance, will be as verbose, abusive, &/or violent as if they had been drinking all those years, should they opt to drink

Additionally, trauma situations are the #1 cause of relapse in addictions.

The religious comment is beyond rational thought. Yuk.

I'd considerate it a gift to be disinvited because you are not obligated to experience the high degree of dysfunction that is quite likely to occur.

So sorry you are experiencing this.

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Why not give yourself a break & learn some new healthy skills which will give you an objective distance from daily concerns?

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Please consider self-compassion: what would you say to a dear friend in your circumstance?

I hope this is helpful to you!

I actually just woke up after finally getting to sleep at 2pm. (Woo-hoo, over five hours is amazing for me!) After the initial breakdown when the sad facts dawned on me anew, I decided to allow myself a few hours of denial. Try to distract myself and get something done.

However, when I started to tend to some online financial business, I began procrastinating by stopping by DU. Just a quick check in case there was any big political news I need to know. Then, I saw there were some new replies to the above OP. As I began reading them, I soon realized I'd be better off getting back to my planned period of denial.

But I do want to quickly thank everyone who has offered messages of condolences, concern, and kindness. I appreciate them all.

And if I do end up deleting my OP, please don't be offended. For one thing, I'm paranoid about any of my relatives seeing it, though it's unlikely they would.

Anyway...