All kind words matter.

including me, and in turn changed how they were toward others.

Perhaps you only held a door for a frazzled Mom, or dropped a dollar on a panhandler that didn't look "professional". Perhaps you stopped across two lanes to let someone's pet cross the street safely. Perhaps you wrote a letter to someone at just the right time or gave a family member what they needed and that was passed on. Perhaps you yelled when you saw an injustice, or walked a picket line, or sent in an op-ed letter that was published. Perhaps you wore something unexpected and made someone smile.

We all fit into it somehow and energy is never destroyed just transformed. I don't have any hard expectations other than life is a circle and we are part of that circle, forever.

Take care of yourself. Loss of family is a physical and spiritual blow to anyone who loves but it does slowly become bittersweet memory and makes room for the good, and the not so good, in life you have yet to live.

Thank you. You write beautifully. If I may be brutally honest: when I die, there will be fewer people than I can count on the fingers of one hand who will be devastated. A dozen more will be saddened. I don't think anybody will rejoice. That's it. That's the ripple I will leave behind. It used to be more than enough for me.

If there were to be a great Judge at the gates of Heaven, He'd have a hard time deciding which place I should go to. All the more so 'cause I probably couldn't care less.

I have done no great evil, but neither have I done great good. I have hurt people, I broke my first girlfriend's heart by cheating on her when we were 17. Her tears haunt me to this day. I ignored my parents' wishes and moved away 8000 miles from them to make a successful go of it here in the US. I've made cruel remarks about people to make others laugh and to be thought a wit. That's the worst you can say about me.

But I have also done the little things you mentioned. I have made people laugh. Yesterday, while stuck at the DMV for 2 hours, I got talking to a kid from Honduras and advised him on his choice of major to go for. His mother and I, having no language in common, shared a laugh when he mimicked the examiner.

Perhaps it's a little bit of a legacy after all. It should be enough for me.

I'm sure it must be really hard for you.

Please feel free to vent here anytime, you are welcome and among folks who have grieved and will help you along this journey.

aA
kesha

Thank you, AuntAgonist. I do feel welcomed here, and it helps.

From your screenname, I'm betting that people unburden themselves to you all the time.

when i look at pictures of when i was younger, and my little family--my parents and my grandmother, there is a part of me that wishes--with all my heart--i could go back and have it all again; i would gladly go through it all--even the bad times--just to have that security, and joy that was such a part of my life. i miss it so.

my grandma died when i was a teenager, my dad over twenty years ago, but my mom--who stuck with me through it all--she died nearly three years ago and i still cry for missing her. and the heartache has often made me wonder "what's it all about then?" as well.

i suspect there is a reason for it though (my mom always said "there's a reason for everything&quot . and i think the reason is love. it's the most important thing, it's what we remember, and what we take with us when we go.

i hope you have someone around you that you can talk to about how you feel, about your sister, and the rest of your family (older children? nieces? nephews? etc.). my daughter was twenty-one when my mom passed and she was a tremendous emotional support for me, as was a friend of mine--as they still are.

what the other poster, kickysnana, was saying rings true to me as well. i think we make a difference in all the lives we cross paths with--which effects the lives they cross paths with. and we make that difference in ways we don't even realize--just as the people who have touched our lives might not have realized the impact they were making on us. it's pretty amazing how interconnected we all are.

i know someone who recently passed on who, as she was dying, told her family that she was seeing her sister who had died in childhood. she was also seeing several figures that were all in white that she didn't recognize. i don't think we ever permanently lose those we love--it's only a temporary good-bye, but that can be the most difficult thing we ever experience.

just go slow--take it easy.

my husband passed away 5/27/12. i'm still in shock. he came home from work on 2/28/12 and had a seizure. it was a brain tumor.

my mom passed in december '08. my son comitted suicide 4/07. my best friend passed on 9/12/11 from a heart attack. he was 42.

i have 2 sisters, but we're not as close as i'd like us to be. they live in different states.

i feel so alone. all i have is my beloved cat. he's 11-1/2.

i'm not religious either.

i've bonded with my step daughter but i'm in phoenix and she's in atlanta.

i do have a few friends in new york.

my husband was my best friend. he was my soul mate. we were together almost 42 years.

when my time is up i doubt many people will miss me.

It almost seems like too much at times, I'm sure.

I often feel that I wouldn't be missed by very many either and that's so sad for both of us.



I'm glad you have found this group and although we're 'online' only may you find some comfort here.

aA
kesha

i do find comfort here.

Oh, Desert Flower, I'm so sorry. My wife's my best friend too, so I empathise with you..

I'm generally a very upbeat, positive person who's frankly been ridiculously blessed by fate, but I've been so angry lately... I don't recognise myself anymore at times.

I share some of your thoughts. My sister's funeral was attended by a lot of people, as she had so many friends. While smiling at everyone there, suddenly, a very unwelcome thought struck me: "How many people do you think will attend your funeral?" Virtually nobody, I realised, and was more saddened than I thought I'd be.

I read a quote once that resonated with me, although I can't remember who said it: "If permitted to look into the book of his life. even the happiest, most well-adjusted child would just curl up and die".

Too negative for me, but I understand it now.

Take good care of yourself. There's so much beauty and love out there, but I'm afraid you can only find it yourself...

make sure you take care of yourself.

*hugs* back.