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Backseat Driver

(4,635 posts)
Tue May 4, 2021, 11:53 AM May 2021

Feeling so vulnerable and weirded-out...

I'm married to an only child with issues of his own, but still a woman who was effectively shunned and mostly estranged from all members of my family of origin for the last 30 years. It's been difficult grieving those relationships as "pseudo-deaths." I was financially unable to attend my father's funeral notwithstanding my obedience to my unrepentant mother's choice that she never speak to me again. I do consider her choice about that so very toxic, and I remain so very vulnerable to the family dynamics. The siblings took up her side so neither they nor I have had much contact since then either. I don't know my niece; and they don't know my kids. I am the "black sheep" who wasn't able to enable my "better angel" and continue to bear Mom's treatment of me and our children in word and deed, her considered choice that I honor. I work on self-esteem" daily for issues I consider, at my age, unrepairable.

Several weeks ago, my brother dialed the "safe" number of his niece, my daughter. I returned the call to learn that he was in the hospital with conditions that would make his situation terminal, and my 92-year-old mother had sometime previously had a small stroke and was in "rehab." He's been her caretaker in her home because he had never left home. even during my father's last illness. Surely my Mom had help tending Dad at home and thereafter. Both my sister and I live OOT (in different cities) with our families; we both have family issues, then, of our own. He's made her his "person." I've since spoken with both, who say they want reconcilliation, so I asked to be kept updated.

At a particularly difficult time, long ago, my DH asked my brother to hold a couple things, and he agreed. We recently found out he still has them. We would like to reclaim them. Both brother and his person were surprised and nervous that I still had a key to my family home. I would like to reconcile with my siblings, and I've initiated some calling but have not made any solid plans for an in-person visit. DH's not enthused to take the only running beater on a day trip; the nearby kids are really busy and don't claim a lot of interest in stepping into what's been the "family" mud puddle throughout most of their lives. It doesn't appear that either brother or mom will return to their home. For a time, both were at the same rehab facility. As of today, my brother has gone to another facility, a Hospice in-patient facility, to receive palliative care for the possible 0-5 months. Can I trust these are authentic requests for reconciliation pre- double funerals of brother and mom in the hands of my brother and my sister? I'm confused and grieving all over again, but THEY want the moral support! My experience in relationships whisper, "No good deed goes unpunished." Can there be a crack in the wall - I need to be careful to hope for all sorts of miracles, to say the right things, to act in all the ways they expect? so guaranteed, I still feel between the rock and the hard places all over again about exactly who deserves support in bad times?

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Feeling so vulnerable and weirded-out... (Original Post) Backseat Driver May 2021 OP
Despite all that has gone on over the years, I feel that you Quakerfriend May 2021 #1
so sorry for your "situation" markie May 2021 #2
Sounds extrmely toxic to me, but reconcile if you are of a mind to. SheltieLover May 2021 #3
Scapegoat Complex by Sylvia Brinton Perera is a great book SheltieLover May 2021 #4

Quakerfriend

(5,655 posts)
1. Despite all that has gone on over the years, I feel that you
Tue May 4, 2021, 12:32 PM
May 2021

Should embrace the opportunity to try and bring healing for the whole family.
You can’t lose by trying.

When my mother was ailing I called her sister from whom she had been estranged for ~ 40 yrs and let her know what was going on with mom. We had a nice conversation and she seemed happy I had called. I followed up with a hand written card telling her that I was sorry for all the years we had lost together and just how much memories of Xmas eve at her house etc. meant to me. I also let her know that despite the wonderful mother mom had been to me and my sisters, looking back I knew that Mom had left ‘a trail of destruction in her wake’ & that for whatever reason this was her path in life and we were all on that path with her. I told her how much we all loved her despite all the years of not seeing one another etc.

This brought about instant healing. Mom’s sister began visiting her in the nursing home and invited us all to a big family reunion. All of the tensions evaporated almost overnight.

Good luck with whatever you decide and prayers for your mom and bro

markie

(22,925 posts)
2. so sorry for your "situation"
Tue May 4, 2021, 01:58 PM
May 2021

my (fairly extensive) experience tells me it is best to stay away unless you really believe you can benefit emotionally... these are tough decisions to make... good luck

SheltieLover

(59,618 posts)
3. Sounds extrmely toxic to me, but reconcile if you are of a mind to.
Tue May 4, 2021, 04:13 PM
May 2021

I'm sorry to hear of these issues.

It sounds as if they have been in the habit of scapegoating you. Not a good situation and not likely to change, imo, unless they undergo intense therapy. This s very much like dumphumpes projecting their own maladaptive behaviors onto "the libs." They cannot face their own shadow elements.

If you have any weakness and they know it, they will unconsciously attempt to "hook" their maladaptive projections onto you.

Beware if/when you refuse to accept their sick projections, as people can become quite upset and even violent.

We are here for you, dear friend.

SheltieLover

(59,618 posts)
4. Scapegoat Complex by Sylvia Brinton Perera is a great book
Tue May 4, 2021, 04:23 PM
May 2021

Last edited Tue May 4, 2021, 09:01 PM - Edit history (1)

Not an easy read, though, to be honest. One of those you can re-read a paragraph or a page and continue to glean insights from.

The author is a Jungian analyst, one who follows C.G. Jung's psych theory.

Here is a link to the book, if you feel to take a look.

https://www.amazon.com/Scapegoat-Complex-Studies-Psychology-Analysts/dp/0919123228



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