I'm sorry for your losses.

For the first year I cried every day. I would get off work and just come home and cry all night.She died of colon cancer and they also found she had undiagnosed pancreatic cancer. My father did 19 years alone as a widower after that. They were so close to each other. This time of year is especially bad, my mom died around Christmas. I have no advice for you. The only thing I learned was you have to keep on living, you don’t really have a choice. My mom was an only child and lost both of her parents when she was in her 20s I never knew them. I hope you find some peace of mind.

I hope so too! The weird thing is, on New Year's Eve 2019 when I was drinking with friends, I had a panic attack thinking 2020 was going to be the last year my mom lived. I took that as just anxiety over a new year, me relocating to Chicago for work and the fact she had just turned 70.

Then...

💓💓💓

Please contact the hospice & get into bereavement counseling asap!

They are specialists & know how to best guide you in resolving your grief.

Hospice orgs are great & the therapy should be free to you. Normally 13 months of therapy is provided free to support you through "the year of firsts, birthdays, holidays, etc.

They might have groups also. If so, please go. Groups are very powerful for healing!

I'm so saddened you feel all alone. 💔 one thing is certain: someone is always on DU for you to chat with.

Please let us know how you are doing & whethrr you opt for thrrapy?

It's a lot of energy but maybe I should.

Thanks again!

They call once per month, starting about 2-3 weeks after the loved one's demise.

I interned in bereavement at a hospice. I promise you they can help!

people work there.

Sorry for your losses.

I wish I had called them sooner.

but when you have your own family, you will carry the memory of your parents into your own family life. In doing that, you will carry them forward into the future. That will be true whether you have biological children of your own, or adopted children. Even if you have no children, your values and habits from your home life are a part of you that will interact with people you know, carrying forward your parents' legacy.

My mother's mother died giving birth to her. Her 6 older siblings went to an orphanage because her father's job required frequent travel. As a preemie who barely survived her own birth, my mother was raised by an aunt and stayed with her even after her father remarried and brought his other children home.

My other grandmother died suddenly when I was just 18 months old, so I grew up with no grandmothers. But I had photos of them and numerous family stories so that I felt like I had personally known them. Both grandfathers claimed that they saw traits in me that reminded them of my grandmothers. Other relatives agreed.

you were very lucky to have them

perhaps you could look into grief counseling....I know someone who did that and he said it helped him tremendously

and remember, someone is always here on DU, we are here for you


edited to add - pancreatic cancer is notoriously difficult to diagnose early, you should not blame yourself in any way for your mum's death - you did everything you could, you were there for her

Thank you.

She was completely out of it and likely never knew. Part of me understands this was the right choice. I would have been heartbroken for her to come out of the state she was in just to find out she wasn't likely to make it due to cancer - as she had buried my 12 year old brother who died of leukemia many years ago.

ten years ago my mum was diagnosed with cancer and died a month later.....I wish she had gone to the doc when she first noticed symptoms but she waited until after some surgery my brother was scheduled for

I lost my dad out of the blue over 2 years ago then my 17 year old dog (my baby) a year later and I am still in as much grief as I was when they originally died. Apparently people go through grief in different ways and at different speeds and some never stop grieving. I am in the last group I think.

It's nice having a dog in the house as I am all by myself.

I don't think I'll ever stop grieving. I know my mom didn't after losing my brother when he was 12, then her parents and then my dad. She had such a sad heart.

you have a warm furbaby that is a part of your mom. I would never let it out of my arms.

The night after my dad died I heard his footsteps upstairs when no one was home. Then after my dog died I was starting to take a nap (I was emotionally exhausted) I saw my dog as clear as day, standing beside me. She looked 100% real so I bent down and scooped her up filled with more happiness than I had felt since I lost my dad. As I stood up I saw my dad and I said enthusiastically, "Look Dad, Spike's back!!!" then I realized that my dog couldn't be back since my dad was dead too. At that instant I knew he was taking care of her until I could join them. I have never had a "dream" like that before. Since then I have heard of many people reporting similar experiences which makes me feel like I am onto something and not nuts.

Hospice would never have accepted her if she were expected to recover, or to have lived for several months.

You did the right thing for her.

Hospice was great, even though she was only technically in it for a few hours. They were clear this was not in any way them killing her - but that they didn't expect she would make a recovery and that it was best to let her go in the state she was in. They then hooked her up to morphine and lowered her oxygen until she couldn't breathe on her own and passed. I do hope she passed peacefully. I read all these stories about people hooked up on vents due to covid and not passing peacefully (my mom was NOT on a vent, tho). She looked peaceful. I don't think she looked scared or even aware. I just want to know she went peacefully and relaxed and not scared.

But speak to the hospice folks. Working with actively dying patients is a calling, not a job. Those who were sith her will tell you.

As far as your reaction goes...I can see my own daughter writing these words. I was out of her life when I split with her mother, 8 years prior. A person I lived with for 30+ years. Her mother, my ex, passed 3 years ago next February. They was very close, more so after I left the house...they spent quality time traveling and sharing experiences that deepened their relationship.

My advice to you is to stay positive and look forward to your next important relationship. Live for the future.

He was from my dad's first marriage but my mom basically raised him. My mom and him had a falling out after the 2016 election as his wife basically told him she didn't want him having anything to do with my mom. She would call him on Father's Day and his birthday but he never called her back - and then during COVID never checked in on her. He did visit her in the hospital, tho, and attended her funeral. But we are not close.

Boy, that's the nightmare, isn't it?

I was an "orphan" by the age of 43. The holidays are still the worst. I can relate to that feeling in the morning before you are fully conscious and aware of your new "normal".

I hope you can nurture a support system. I know it takes a lot of work and can be demoralizing.

For me, helping others helps to give me a sense of purpose and meaning.

Do you have resources you can depend on, Irishman? You know you always have us here - motley, though we may be!

I can reach out to the hospice team, as they do call and check on me but I never return their calls. Maybe I will.

Greif is a funny thing. I wish I had the magic words to help you, but everyone copes the best they can.

Here is my story:

My Mom died 13 years ago on Dec 23rd. I think that makes it harder to feel your grief, The holidays are about joy and happiness, when all you want to do is scream and raise your fist in the air in anger.

For years I would get grumpy and easy to anger the week before Christmas. I attributed it to holiday burnout. When I really thought about it, it was because I was denying myself to acknowledge hand mourn my Mom's death, to make Christmas happy for my family.

That was when I decided I would take the time, whenever I felt like it to mourn and honor her in some special way during this time.

Yes. Grief is a weird thing that isn't equal. I keep hoping one day I'll wake up and feel okay, and there are days where I am okay ... but almost every night I think about her and how much my life has changed.

Her biggest hope for you was to have a happy and full life. Honor her by doing so.

so disorienting.

You did the right thing, by the way. What other decision could you have made? Anything else would have been cruel, really.

your loss. Hospice normally has a service that you can call and ask to speak with someone or a group you can join. I know that may not sound appealing, but consider it.
As far as your Mother getting a clean bill of health. It might be your Mom said nothing to her doctor about problems she was having. You would be surprised how many people ignore symptoms or say nothing to their doctor because they are afraid.

I lost my Dad in August, but he was in his nineties and yes it’s sad, but he lived a good long life.
Holidays seem to make things even worse for those missing their loved ones. Please consider getting help. I don’t know if this helps, but just think about it.

Most of us here on DU have lost loved ones, whether they be human or furry.

The holidays are tough, especially the first few years. I come from a large family, and xmas was the one time of year we could all get together and make lots of merry--big happy gatherings, with lots of hugs, laughter, and great food. I was very close to all 3 of my older siblings, and lost all of them, and then my parents. Now, there's just me and my younger brother. He's a trumper, but he's also been a life saver. We love each other no matter what. I'm hoping we can get together this xmas, as I haven't seen them since Covid (he and my SIL finally got vaccinated).

One thing that helped me, is to start a journal. Fill it with all the memories of your mom, even the little things. It can be painful, but also cathartic.

Hugs and best wishes.

My mom went on New Years Day 2019.
My dad on Sept 11 2000.
Always reminders....
Extremely difficult....

I have not been through what you’re going through. All I can offer is my sincere sympathy and compassion. We’re all here for you to offer whatever support and love you need

My dad died a month or so ago at 91 from liver cancer and mom about 9 years ago. I’m much older than you at 60 so it’s easier for me but still hard. You did the right thing with hospice. They assured your mom was not in excruciating pain at the end. They did the same for my dad.

we're here for you, to listen, to give perspective. If it helps.

not just for your loss but for your suffering and having to associate your parents' deaths with major holidays.

When I was 13 my father dropped dead of a heart attack; he was 49. Twelve years later, to the day (the anniversary is 23November, 1968 and 1980 were the years), my mother died at 54 after she had a catastrophic stroke followed by an extremely aggressive cancer. She was 54. I was orphaned at 25. When I was 45, my daughter was killed at 21 years old.

I tell you this because I have a suggestion for you, and that is grief counseling. There is a danger with grief in that it can become chronic, and your comment, "And now I'm stuck going over the final weeks of her life, and then her death, all the time," leaves me fearful that you may be falling into that trap.

Having said that, in my opinion the fact that you continue to grieve deeply for your mother nearly a year later is not in itself evidence that your grief has become chronic. When you lose someone so important to you, it takes time, often more time than many people believe it should, to work through that grief.

Following my daughter's death i found grief counseling very helpful. I think it could be for you as well. Take as much time as you need to work your way through this pain, but I promise you, it can and should get better.

She lost her entire family, including her only sibling, by the time she was thirty two years old. She lost her parents two weeks apart. It was very difficult for her. All she had in life was me and the house she grew up in.

That was thirty four years ago. She is sixty six years old now, and still misses them everyday. But we kept going together and did the best we could. We raised two kids. It was rough at times, but the good times far outweigh the bad. We learned to keep the grief in a small box within our hearts. Sometimes it spills out and hurts all over again, but most days we keep it locked away where it belongs.

I hope this helps. Keep going, and try to be strong.

You feel so untethered from the stream of life, accumulated wisdom and the love of your parents.

I became very close to my aunt, sister and grandmother after my orphaning. They needed that closeness as much as I did. I highly recommend if there are other family members that might be feeling the way you are, to reach out to them. You will both benefit.

Hang in there. Your DU family is here for you.

But like you, my Mom was in a state where she was no longer here, her body was but not her. I know how hard it is, and we never get over it, we will miss them for the rest of our lives, but when the body is here and the person is no longer with it, the best thing is to let them go because they are already gone. The tough part is of course, that we cannot tell whether they are listening, thinking, recognizing our voices, but if they are I am very sure they don't want to be in a situation where there is no longer quality of life for them.

I don't intend to calm your sadness, no one can, but I can tell you what has worked for me.

Once in a while I will look at photos, videos of both my parents, and then I smile thinking about the beautiful times we had, the love between us, the serious talks with my dad, the laughs with my mom (she was very funny and knew a lot of family stories), and all that makes me feel good. There are times when even while I am laughing my eyes go watery, but that is part of the process, allow the process to happen, it is OK to be sad, but focus on the good things more, remember that we will all have our day, and our kids will most probably go through the same sorrow, but if we lead a good life and give a lot of love to our family and real friends, all will be well.

Be sure of something, I am sure your parents always wanted the best for you, and right now the best is to move on with the next chapters of your life (even get married if you find the right person), remember the good times, the good advise they gave you, know they are still looking for you, and they want you to be happy.

Take care and be good.

a slow rolling heart attack. I was with her when she started complaining about nausea. I offered her a giant pretzel. She dropped in the bathroom the next morning and died in my dad's arms. She was my best friend and I still regret not getting her to the ER.

Dad passed from a heart attack later on in surgery, but it was somewhat less painful because they were together again. Mil was misdiagnosed as having shingles when it was really pancreatic cancer. She missed welcoming her first grand baby by less than one month.

Life can suck that way. All I can say is be gentle with yourself and cling to good memories.

P. S. We created this group after mom passed. I hope you find comfort here.

That is so tough. I do take comfort in my mom being with my dad and my brother again. She buried him when he was only 12, as he passed from leukemia, and she missed my dad every day the last ten years of her life.

your holiday season is less difficult than you thought.

and my heartfelt sympathy. (((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

The anniversary of a loss can be extremely hard.
Holidays can be extremely hard
Losing a parent can be extremely hard.
Having lost both parents is extremely hard

I could make suggestions, but I'm sure they've already been mentioned. Reaching out. Friends. Relatives. Grief hotlines. Cups of tea. Contacting the hospice people for help. Some kind of religious organization that you're comfortable with. DU.

Wishing you peace

I lost my parents when I was 30 and 31. Grief is hard, and it took me about three years to get better days. Over time, I found that although they had passed away, they weren't really gone. I just couldn't pick up the phone and talk to them anymore.

It's been many years since then and I still think of them often and sometimes see them in my dreams.

I'm sorry you've lost your parents. Hope a (((((((hug))))) helps.

I wish I could be of more help but I'm not sure how.

I just past one year since losing my mom to COVID19 and my dad is in steep decline in those 365 days. The pain of mom's absence hits harder this year than last, when the grief was raw and very close to the times.

It never goes away entirely but thinking of happier time and writing letters to my mom just describing what is going on seems to help me some.

...in the end, life is a privilege when you let it be so.

My mother died 46 years ago, rather horribly I might add, slowly, with her mind severely impaired so that we were unable to forgive one another. I can still touch it whenever I think of it. It never went away.

But the life my mother gave me, the one I wanted to throw away because of the grief, ended up being unbelievably wonderful, after many hard years, many hard choices.

As for the decision weighing on you, there was no right decision, every decision would be wrong, because you are losing someone you love and that can never be right. I learned that when my father died, because I exactly the opposite of what I did when my mother died, and it felt every bit as bad.

Obviously you have known love, because you cannot grieve without love, and you are grieving.

Kahlil Gibran wrote of love as a harvest:

I read the responses of all

i went to the library a lot. my mom was a leader of Friends of the Library.

i gradually developed new hobbies and a job that got me out of my box. i learned to do my job better.

i learned to drink a lot more water, eat more fruits and vegetables

i learned to make curry.

i had good neighbors

For sure, you have all of us.

i bet some of us live near you

years ago and I still choke up every so often. Had she lived, mom would have turned 96 two days ago. Still, we had her for a good long time, even though she lived with Alzheimer's for about 15 years. I have no words of wisdom to give you like so many of the previous posts, but even though you can't "see" us, we are your digital family and grieve with you.

A lot of us have been through it too. It's tough, but it does get better. Occasionally I'll think of something mom or dad would say in a certain situation. Something humorous that always gives me a smile. It's a sad smile since I still miss them both, but a smile nonetheless. Hope that helps at least a little bit.

I think your feelings are normal.
Nov 8th through the 15th is a horrible week for me.
My dad died 56 years ago on the 8th. He was killed in a plane crash. I was 10
My son was born on the 10th, died on the 15th. He would have been 39.

I have had to make the decision twice to let someone go.
My son, and with my sister, we made the decision for my mom.
It is never easy and one of the hardest things I have ever done.

It sounds like you did the best thing for your mom.
You made the right choice for her.
Know that you are brave, it cannot have been an easy choice.

I have no magic answers for you. Seek help if you need it. Reach out to friends and family. Cry. Honor your parents. They would want you to have a wonderful life.

I think your feelings are normal.
Nov 8th through the 15th is a horrible week for me.
My dad died 56 years ago on the 8th. He was killed in a plane crash. I was 10
My son was born on the 10th, died on the 15th. He would have been 39.

I have had to make the decision twice to let someone go.
My son, and with my sister, we made the decision for my mom.
It is never easy and one of the hardest things I have ever done.

It sounds like you did the best thing for your mom.

Know that you are brave, it cannot have been an easy choice.

I have no magic answers for you. Seek help if you need it. Reach out to friends and family. Cry. Honor your parents. They would want you to have a wonderful life.

I loss my mom, 48, when I was 21, and 5 yrs later, my dad 65, died. I was newly married and left in charge of my four younger bros. It has been 50 yrs since I loss my Mom, and some days it feels as though she just died. Hang in there

I bet everybody on this thread (looked like a long one as I quickly skimmed it just now) has sent you mental and emotional and spiritual hugs. I wish a bunch of us could surround you and physically hug you.

The holiday season is no time for someone to have to mourn. It should be all carefree fun and celebration, not sadness. It's never a good time to endure such a profound loss, but over the holidays!?

Perhaps you can remember the kind, sympathetic, and empathetic sentiments in this thread. Keep it so you can refer back whenever you need it. The one that developed for me when I posted about the death of my mom - reading through that really helped. Sincerely. If I loved DU for no other reason, that alone would be enough.

Maybe here's what you do (humbly suggested): Post about it again. And again. And AGAIN. Whenever you need to talk, or unburden, or find comfort. I can't tell you how deeply I was - and still am - comforted by the words of our beloved DUer Skittles, who long ago posted "someone's always here." That's still true to this very moment. Never seems to matter what time it is OR what day it is. Don't forget that, Drunken Irishman. Especially now.

Your loss is devastating and my heart goes out to you. Your parents were brave living with the challenges that were given to them but please be thankful in knowing that they are no longer in pain and will be with you as you keep their memory in your heart. I lived in fear all my life of the day when my parents would be gone, there is nothing we can do about this fact. I was with them in their final months and years and for that I am eternally grateful. But, they are still with me every day, I talk to them every day and I feel like they are right beside me. I believe that this will happen for you some day soon and hope you can find the comfort you need at this time. Kindest regards, Cozmo

Even if you have distractions, the loss and empty spaces intrude. My friends and I are the oldest generation in our families now. We had to be the ones who made the calls, and make arrangements, and make sure there was food after the service. Some of them lost their parents way before I lost mine, and still post memories about their loved ones. But, I have friends who have lost children, and I don't think your parents would have wanted to outlive you. You are not being selfish by missing them. But they went first and will meet you in time.

My Dad died at age 54, when I was 22, and I didn't expect him to die. It turned out that he was very sick and didn't tell us. He and my Mom were divorced, so she didn't know how sick he was either. It took me years and years to find a way to accept his death. My Mom lived to be 87, and faded slowly. I missed her and I still miss her. Her parents and brother all died before they were 60 and after my Mom turned 61, she would often say, "I can do what I want! I'm living on borrowed time." I can't tell you how irritating it was, but I also can't tell you how many times I'd cheer her on, saying, "Go, Myrt!" Because by then, I could think of her as Myrt, not just Mom. I was honored to know her and have some of her strength. She passed away in 2007, on Memorial Day. I can't think think of a better day to remember her.

It seems like you not only have sadness to deal with, but also anger, that her dr. missed her illness. It'll take more time to come to terms with your loss because you also have to get past other feelings. My younger brother died in a car wreck in 1983. I was devastated. After years of feeling as you do right now, I read a magazine article about loss. A mother who had lost a child was interviewed. She said, "Some things are unacceptable." That one sentence was what I needed to know, so I could move away from that loss. Maybe it won't help you to hear that some things are unacceptable. You might not see that as the one thing you need to hear to get through this first anniversary of your loss, or being on your own.

I hope you'll think of a way to honor your parents, that lets them live on because you are living on. I wrote poems every year for my brother. I've planted trees and flowers, made donations to organizations my parents supported. I tell my kids and grandkids about my Mom and Dad, hoping that even if they didn't meet them, they know them.

I'll be thinking of you and I hope you find your way.

positive thoughts for you

talk and we will listen... I lost my partner of 20 years last week and the ache is immeasurable... I want to lash out at every person who says "I'm sorry for your loss" and then rushes to the next comment ...I want people to say "tell me something about your loved one" and be patient and listen

what you want is to remember your parents, share their stories and celebrate them... learn how to live without them but know that it can be ok

please find peace in knowing that we all do the best we can in the circumstances we find ourselves in