Bereavement
Related: About this forumMy nephew passed away three days ago.
In 1994 he was a typical teenager, looking for his own path, when he started experiencing dizzy spells and blackouts. His teachers thought it was drugs, until a medical check revealed a cancerous brain tumor pressing against his cerebellum. Surgery removed most of the tumor, but the day after it, he experienced cranial bleeding, and he underwent an emergency surgery. These operations left him nearly deaf, partly blind in his left eye, and with serious balance and coordination problems. He lost most of the use of his left hand (he was left-handed), and radiation and chemo therapy caused skin damage, near-total hair loss, and burns to his esophagus, which affected his speech. He went on total disability, and has never been able to hold a job or otherwise have a normal life. He has lived with his mother (my sister) all his life. She has been divorced from his father since 1992, but he had been somewhat involved with my nephew's life since the divorce.
Last October, his mother died of kidney failure. His father died eight years ago. My niece was trying to find a new place for him to live, and sell mother's house, but without success to this point. Earlier this week my niece was trying to contact him, but he didn't answer phone calls or texts. Her husband went to the house to check on him, and found him dead. Medical examiner preliminarily says it was "natural causes," (at this point, I'm not sure what that means) but will have to investigate further.
Now, I have to tell my 94-year-old mother, who four months ago, lost her second daughter, that her oldest grandson has passed away. I know this is going to devastate her, but it will have to be done. I guess I'm asking this group to cross your fingers that I can break this news to Mom without crushing her. It's going to be ugly.
Enter stage left
(3,823 posts)DUgosh
(3,107 posts)Losses ! Xoxox
brer cat
(26,258 posts)It's enough to deal with your grief, but you have the added burden of telling your mother such devastating news. Sending good vibes for both of you and the rest of your family.
MuseRider
(34,368 posts)So much sadness and now you have to tell her of another. I had to tell my grandmother that my mother, her only child, had died. I understand how hard this will be for you, again. I am so terribly sorry this has to be painful for you too. ((hugs))
sheshe2
(87,469 posts)Tell her as gently as you can. Hold onto her. I had to do it too, had to tell mom her son had died. I found out 30 minutes before I told her.
Love you.
My DU "family" is so amazing!
OAITW r.2.0
(28,361 posts)the Elders go first. I don't want to imagine losing a niece or nephew.
IbogaProject
(3,645 posts)people
(697 posts)What a terrible, terrible loss in these months. You and your mom will have to take care for one another. Will be thinking about you. So sorry.
LoisB
(8,646 posts)Moostache
(10,161 posts)My support and comfort find you and carry you and your family in this hour of need
vercetti2021
(10,400 posts)That's awful he had to suffer for the longest time. I hope y'all will be okay. Especially your mother.
UpInArms
(51,795 posts)(((((((hugs))))))
I am so sorry
NewDayOranges
(727 posts)I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear nephew...
But how often did your Mom see your nephew? Does she ask about him? Maybe if she doesn't ask, you shouldn't tell her...
lastlib
(24,902 posts)Mom is all about family. Nothing else matters to her, it seems.
(...except her religious nuttery--but that's another subject)
NewDayOranges
(727 posts)Have a lot of social interaction (since she's 94) she may not realize that she doesn't hear from your nephew and therefore you could spare her the pain of sharing his passing with her...
JudyM
(29,517 posts)I hope that the final coroners report brings some measure of peace
and that you all will find strength and courage to get through these losses together.
Gilbert Moore
(219 posts)If you feel overwhelmed contact a local grief group or Hospice. Even though your nephew wasn't receiving hospice care. Many still provide either group (Zoom nowadays) or individual help.
Peace
blm
(113,817 posts)SheltieLover
(59,601 posts)So sorry for your loss.
Do you need to tell your mom? With the pandemic situation, is it necessary? If I were her, I'd rather not know.
Sending healing vibes go you all. 💗💗💗
hippywife
(22,767 posts)Sending wishes for peace to you and your mother. This is going to be hard on both of you, I'm sure.
ChazII
(6,321 posts)doing after learning the news you had to share?
I hope you both are doing okay.
lastlib
(24,902 posts)I think Mom dwells on it a little more.