How dare them to stop your mother from sending the flowers to her sister each month which her sister so enjoyed.

My sister is the one who was banned.

My Mom died some time ago.

All I want from my cousin is to apologize to my Sister for telling her we aren't "real" family.

I will track her down and tell her that, but not tonight and not for a bit. I am a hot head at times.

I still feel justified but not really powerfully.

If a relative wants to attend, let them decide. The grave itself will be there regardless.

If they need to denounce relatives, also their prerogative.

These days my mission is not the past.

But to object and to forcefully ban someone for simply caring enough to send flowers and keep in touch is whacked.

Power trip much, cuz?

and i was following her wishes.

and in this process, i wasn’t treated normally by 1 person. hence, i was upset

However, would you have thought that a person sending your Mom flowers once a month was an unreasonable thing?

And even if that was too much to handle because of all the things needing to be done and the person sent paper flower cards instead so that your Mom would not feel forgotten by the world, would that have ever made your list of reasons to ban them from the funeral?

Sure, if my Sister had offended my Aunt and it was her request, I would not be coming to her defense.

But this thought process and telling my Sister we aren't "real" family just seems like a power trip to protect the DIL. Maybe DIL is on the edge and needs protecting. I don't know.

I am a reasonable person and I know grief does crazy stuff to people.

Also, the DIL is still caring for her own Mom who is 84 and apparently someone in their household (probably my cousin, her husband, son of the Aunt who died) thought nothing of putting that additional burden on her, so everyone else gets to suffer for his lack of concern for his wife's health and well being. Which makes me wonder, why wasn't HE reading cards to his own mother? Why did his wife have to do it? Or their own kids. They have his-hers-ours going on... and all those kids were loved by the Aunt/their Grandma and could have showed up a bit more. Why was DIL alone in the burden to begin with?

Not my monkeys, not my circus, so I am clueless as to how that makes it all my Sister's fault.

But life is what is happening while you are making other plans. So what is there to do but the best you can?

So I appreciate all efforts before and after the passing.

Flowers once a month is something i would welcome from friends

sorry if not all here. sleep is incomplete

What is so funny is that this cousin is the last person I would have thought would do this.

I guess people change.

She was cremated and her ashes scattered in private. My father held a celebration of life observance at his house a couple of months later, and the whole family, even those who disliked her, were invited. It actually worked out really well. It was not a "significant event" worth disrupting like a funeral, so nobody bothered.

Dad has made it clear that similar arrangements are already in place for him for the cremation and private scattering. I have the phone number of the funeral parlor that has the contract in case I should ever need it.

And on a similar note, my wife and I eloped after many years of living together. We really only got married for health insurance purposes and probably would still be "living in sin" if the ACA had passed a few years earlier. But we didn't want the families getting involved and so we let them find out after it was a done deal. Tens of thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours of angst avoided.

He died two years before my Mom and we go permission to bury him with Mom as her "personal effects"

Put his ashes down by her feet. He would have appreciated the irony and humor of it.

Had to have my Sister stop the car a block away from her house so I could run back and get them.

"STOP!!" I yelled and she did, but was looking at me like she was going to get out and beat me over the head with the car...

"I FORGOT DAD!!"

We laughed so hard all the way to the funeral we were crying and our sides and cheeks ached.

Just nice to not feel alone and it helps one gain perspective.

Maybe my mind is more focused because of LilBit, or maybe I’m really open with my feelings. I had to , within this last week, stand up to my family, including LilBits brother and just say. E’fcking enough with emails, phone calls and what you think you need to know everyday. Took a ton of weight off my shoulders! I realized I had friends, aquaintants, online and off. Who were already, since the day, supporting me. I know and feel your thoughts about family first.
Family means nothing without You being strong,
Take care of your grief first, don’ t listen to their’s. You can’t fix theirs until you fix yours, none of us are “comic book “ heroes I. real life. You don’t owe anyone your loss, until you paid, emotionally, your loss.
Hope this helps, sorry if I’m off base,

KozandLilBit

My one cousin was trying to protect the caregiver and son of my Aunt (albeit heavy handed) but my sister believes the "don't come to the funeral or send flowers" was more to protect my sister from financial loss as we are out of state and it would be more expensive and the funeral planned is low key.

Damage is done, but it makes it easier to not be as angry if this wasn't a draconian overstep.