Sometimes I think life demands more of people than we are capable of.

memory bring you comfort and peace. You did everything right. I lost my Mom four years ago and have twinges of guilt, or how I could have done better. It gets easier with time .

Caring for your Mom for all that time in difficult circumstances cannot have been easy.

I lost both of my parents one month apart in 2008 and I think of them every day. The pain and grief will wash over you every now and again. In time, it will be less intense.

Know that the love you gave to your mother was everything you had to give.

Please take care of yourself.

they could have done better. You did your best. You will never regret the time you cared for her.

It sounds like you did the best you could, and I hope this guilt will pass. None of us are saints with infinite patience. If we look hard enough we will find instances where we could have done something differently, but second guessing yourself leads to needless suffering.

Take care of yourself, grieve when and how you need.

trying circumstances. That is all any of us can do; the best we can. If we all did everything we "should have" or "could have", we would not be human. We do what we can, when we can, and to the best of our ability - that is all we can ask of ourselves.

Having her in with you for Eight Years, and all you went through to care for her. You couldn't be on watch 24 hours per day, you needed to sleep. She didn't die alone, you were with her to the end. You did a good job, don't second guess yourself.
Best wishes for your grief and closing up her affairs to be smooth and not much of a challenge. Watch out her September SS check will get reversed, fyi.

They said they would pay it and then want it back, so that is a great heads up. Thank you.

I can understand subsequent months but the partial month's check should remain. Best wishes for a smooth transition. It's ok to go slow and take time to grieve.

I am sending you virtual hugs and love. My dad passed in October. We engaged hospice and they ensured he felt no pain at the end. You were with your mom and she knew that and you were diligent in keeping her pain free. We should all be so fortunate to have such a dutiful and conscientious caregiver to protect us as we leave this life. 💗💖. Now it is time to be kind to yourself, doing anything less would be creating pain where none is deserved 💖💗.

And to your Mom.

It sound like you did your best in a difficult spot.

What you know is that you did everything you could. You don’t have to worry years from now wondering if you did enough. No solace now I know but trust me your words show you honored her.

Hospice is frustrating for me for many reasons. A big one is that if you have home care services and switch to hospice (staying in the home) you change all your caregivers and even have to change big rental equipment likes beds and wheelchairs (if less than ~ 1 year).

They have programs like ‘bridge to hospice’ but it has that darn word in there and is upsetting to people trying to decide what to do.

Some organizations may set it up better but it’s not universal. A bridge program that doesn’t use the word hospice but that seamlessly switches to hospice when it is right and keeping the same clinicians. I wish they were all like that.

I’m so sorry for your loss!

There is a poem I like from Emily Dickinson:

I never saw a moor,
I never saw the sea;
Yet know I how the heather looks,
And what a wave must be.
I never spoke with God,
Nor visited in heaven;
Yet certain am I of the spot
As if the chart were given.

She was already on oxygen for years, and when she switched to hospice they brought in their own concentrator, so I currently have two of those big machines in the living room taking up space. They're scheduled for pickup tomorrow and the next day. She refused a hospital bed at first but the first time she had trouble breathing and I had to make a mountain of pillows to keep her elevated I called and they had the bed here and assembled the same day. Supplies just kept showing up and prescriptions were handed to me on my doorstep, so I lucked out that my support structures were not frustrating in the slightest. That might just be that the process went so quickly I didn't have time to experience any delays or frustrations. I must hand it to Aetna/Medicare and BJC Hospice group that they negotiated me through this entire process with as few logistical bumps as possible.

when you are going through this.

May each day give you more healing as you process the loss of your dear mother!

you did the best you could and let me tell you, what you did was STELLAR

my sympathy to you

like you did the best you could. Once the funeral is over, you need to take care of yourself.

Please don't beat yourself up over what you could have done better. One thing that's helped me recover from my husband's death this year is to live my life as he would want me to. Even though I don't know her or you, I'd guess that your mom and you knew that you would both do the best for each other with what you had. That's all any of us can ever expect, right? A lot of love went into these past eight years. You were a loving caretaker unlike any other that she could possibly have had, and that is what matters.

Take care. Grieve and breathe and be good to yourself, and go on as she would be happy to see you doing.

"I could of done this, or that, etc." There's always something to regret and potential regret is part of the burden you took on, and, for taking on that burden, you are nothing less than a hero. Not everyone commits to that sacrifice like you have. Be kind to yourself. Your mother needed care and you gave it, now offer some to yourself.

Peace to you and your family, and your mother's friends.

second-guessing of all decisions made. My mother died eight years ago yesterday, and I still occasionally ask myself if I could have done things better. I have made peace with myself regarding her care. I hope you find peace too, in the near future. Please don't forget to take care of yourself.

any other way. You did the best you could and she knew you were there for her.

It is so difficult to be so responsible for someone as you have been for so long.

Hugs!

It would have been easier to list what was still OK rather than what ultimately killed my own mother. and we had a love-hate relationship that took a long time to process. However, it can be done. My own mother was responsible for the wiseass I am today, but there are also deep wounds that will never heal and memories that occasionally bubble up like foul marsh gas.

We had "the talk" when she was in her late 70s about whether she'd ever move in with me. She said she'd keep me up at night while she rummaged around, trying to find the meat cleaver. I told her she wouldn't have the energy, she'd be able to taste the arsenic in her soup. When she sank into self pity and asked me why she couldn't just die, I told her god didn't want her and the devil was afraid she'd take over. She got a laugh out of that one. My dad was horrified but said it was the first laugh he'd heard in months.

I don't know anyone who had a Hallmark card fantasy mother, a soppy Irish tenor mother. In addition, the young can't understand the problems old folks face, not until they get old themselves. So it's always a stew of loss, resentment and guilt.

It will get better. I can't say it goes away, but we get used to it over time.

consider grief counseling when the shock begins to wear off; it's helped me a lot.

when my mother passed away, my sister and i stayed with her through the night in the hospital. But at about 3am I left. I had a baby to nurse at home and I guess I was a coward too. At 8am my sister called and said "Mom's gone." My brothers had skipped the whole thing and she was the only one with Mom at the moment she died. She'd been dying for a few months and I always felt as if I lost her before I lost her, so that her death was as much a relief as a sadness, because her life ended before it ended.

Try not to beat yourself up. You've nothing to be ashamed of; you did the best you could and I am sure your mother was grateful for you.

I'm varying between mundane normalcy - it's weird not to have to hurry anywhere - and crying for the weirdest reasons: "I bought this milk when she was alive..." I want to let grief happen as it comes so it doesn't hit me all at once and shatter in my throat like she said.

Please take care of yourself now.

nothing to feel guilty about. You did absolutely everything you could. Have been the carer for several as they crossed, so I know.

One thing I am noticing in your post is that you seem to have had no respite help. If that is the case, my first statement goes 100 times. You need time to grieve, time to recover, time to heal. The stats for caregivers, especially sole family members, is depressing.

How you deal with the loss is completely up to you. Pay no attention to anybody who tells you how you SHOULD be feeling or acting.

And know that your DU family is here for you. Lean as much as you need.

you are a hero!

Hugs.

have received. She had more problems than she, you, or the medical profession could deal with, and the burden fell on you. Please know that no one dies alone. It sounds as though she was quite ready to leave and you must have realized that at some level. You were (and might still be) operating on autopilot/shock or whatever it is called. After my husband died unexpectedly, I felt very detached and that I was doing things by rote. I think that this is the way the human mind copes with feelings and emotions that are difficult. This will pass.

Please treat yourself kindly. Try to do simple things that bring you joy, things that you haven't been able to do since you began caring for your mother. Might grief counseling help? I wish you a brighter day, every day, until you start to feel whole again.

Peace & Love,
japple

I kind of sought out this corner of DU just to type out my feelings randomly imagining that this group wasn't very active and was surprised at all the supportive responses when I checked back in.

I have been aching to talk about all this but I don't feel like I can as extensively with my friends and remaining relatives because it's too much and I don't want to chew their ears off. Nobody needs to wallow in this with me completely.

So thank you, everyone, again for listening and responding!

guilt. Actually, you went above and beyond. Your mom is much happier where she is now.