is here for you, holding you strong in love and light. May you, and your Mom, be at peace.

I was 37, mother of a 4 month old and a 10 year old, stepmom.. blah blah

Leaning into it sounds so healthy, loving, accepting, strong.

We are here, your DU fam fam.

No matter your age, realizing your mom and dad are no longer in this world
is a lonely place. You now replace your parents as the oldest generation.

All the bonds, all the memories are still with you, but your mom is not here
to share those bonds, those memories. I grieve with you and am sending love
and support to you.

May she rest in peace.

My deepest condolences. May your mother finally know peace. And I wish the same for you!

Now, I just lost a very dear friend (it's nothing like losing a mom) a week ago, and these words you wrote really resonated with me:

But I have so many unfinished conversations that will never be taken up again, so many hugs undelivered. I feel as though someone reached down and cut my deepest root from me, yanking it out of the ground and leaving me swaying precariously in cold winds.

I get where you are.

Be kind to yourself!

Keep on keeponing.
Eko.

Lost both my mom and dad. I guess its part of what living is, losing those you love. For me it for lack of a better word cemented how much I loved them. Maybe the grief should be equal to the love. It's been a bit. 6 years or so but I am still crying typing this. For all of their lacking I could write paragraphs, but for all their love I could write novels. For you I and all of us I summed it up the best I could.
Keep on keeponing. Put each step forward and take those steps.
That's what they would want us to do.
Eko.

I’m sorry for this. I have been where you are, and my mother is very much on my mind right now. I celebrated my mother’s 97th birthday on Sunday. She died the day after Christmas in 2019. It was a very hard time, and then the pandemic hit. I was fortunate to have her so long, though not long enough. I know. You want the suffering to end, but you want to hold on. And the shock of the loss is seismic, even when the end is expected.

All I can say is I hope you have room to be very gentle and kind to yourself. You are loved by more people than you have ever met. Big hugs.

I can relate as that is a similar story for my mom's passing. I never intended to be there but it also happened during the early days of covid which made things much worse.

Your idea of taking a respite, if you can take a day, a weekend and just go have your solitude, do it, you're on the right track. You won't get all your answers during that time but you will find threads to follow that will lead you to the resolve you need to carry on with a sense of purpose.

I came to some resolve after a few weeks as I was ready for her to go, she was ready to go and it happened. Her life doesn't suck anymore. My sisters can have their lives back, they cared for her for over ten years and it cost them dearly in countless ways. But mostly, she is no longer suffering and we are not in distress over it anymore. When someone of such advanced age passes, it's usually for the better for all involved in one way or another and that's how life works.

Take your time to mourn, you deserve it. It's a necessary part of the process. Your DU family is here for you so please don't feel too detached.

when my mom died.

“But I have so many unfinished conversations that will never be taken up again, so many hugs undelivered. I feel as though someone reached down and cut my deepest root from me, yanking it out of the ground and leaving me swaying precariously in cold winds.”

Stay strong and I’m so sorry for your loss.
😢💕

My Mom passed recently. I still dial her phone to hear her voive

You've done such a good job of expressing yourself in a way which resonates with everyone.

Thank you for the poise in your prose.

Last edited Tue Dec 19, 2023, 09:48 PM - Edit history (3)

We buried our mom 21 years ago this Christmas week and reading your post brings back memories and feelings almost exactly as you are expressing. I know I felt like an orphan because my father had died a couple of years earlier so that vast emptiness cannot be put into words. I wish you comfort and peace and only sweet memories to help you (( ))

Again, I send my very sincere condolences and hope you find the happy memories to comfort you and your family.

Be kind to yourself. Wishing you strength and peace.

Tygrbright, you hit a lot of notes in your piece.

I don’t know you, but I can so relate to your pain.

It’s so hard to lose the ones that reared us.

My mother had ceased to be my mother by the time she passed. It was a years long process where my austere mother who could flay you with her sharp tongue became a nice little old lady.

Then there came the day that I hit her with a devastating line that at one time she would have shrugged off and I realized that she was on the verge of tears.

Something had changed then.

A year later she asked to move into a nursing home. Three years later and she didn’t remember any of us—although she tried to fake it at times.

I became an adult orphan. My father gone and then my
Mother’s mind gone.

It’s hard.



Peace unto you.

My mom also had dementia and by the time she slipped away was long past ready to do so. I was glad she was no longer suffering but incredibly sad she was gone.

I lost my mom thirteen years ago, so I understand the unfinished feelings. I’m sure people have said it will get “easier” or “better.” Just remember that those words are defined differently for all of us - operate at whatever level is easier or better or just gets you through the day. Sending light and peace your way.

Take care of yourself and don't do more than you can handle...it may sneak up on you. Be aware of your fluctuating feelings and accept them without explanation. And do not let others tell you how you should feel or what you should be doing.

to express your feelings at this time. I lost both of my parents in the last 6 years. Tough.
I was born in Minneapolis and spent much of my life there. Still in MN.
Bless.

family and all who knew and loved your Mom. May your memories and stories you’ll tell comfort you .

On the loss of your beloved mother. Take care.

It's hard no matter how ready they were.

Mine passed when she was only 62 and I was in my late 20's. Still miss her. Your Mom will always be with you in your heart and thoughts.

Wishing you peace

She was almost 96. Like your mother, she spent a horrible last two years of life. My mom kept her mental sharpness until the last 2 weeks. She was almost blind and could hardly walk with assistance. She was in an assisted care facility and broke her hip in a hard fall. She underwent the surgery and was sent to a rehab place. My sister was by her side through it all. I was 1100 miles away. Mom never really came back from the surgery. She was barely conscience. I drove to Florida to see her, but she didn't know who I was. She talked to her dad who had been gone more than 50 years. She spoke to her little brother who was killed in WWII. I stayed about 5 days and then drove back home to my job. I received a call from my sister when I was around 20 miles from home that Mom had just died..
I didn't cry a tear for my mother. I was relieved that she no longer suffered. It was strange that she was cremated and there was no funeral. I was to take my sister to Ohio where we placed her ashes beside those of my dad. They had been married 50 years when he died of a heart attack way back in 1989. My mom had been 18 when they married and he was the only man ever in her life.
I feel guilty that I never cried. I didn't cry when my only sibling, my older sister, committed suicide in 2017. My entire remaining family consists of my son and one granddaughter. I think about my mom a lot, more and more as I grow older. I find myself thinking about the past frequently.
People say I'm "stoic". But I'm not. I cry at the drop of a hat; at movies, sad stories, book endings, and posts on DU. But with family deaths, I just get all the paperwork done, all the arrangements made, and say silent goodbyes. Perhaps it's because I don't believe in the heaven/hell thing. I think those I have lost are still close by. I hold them in my heart.
Mourn however you wish. If you can arrange to sit somewhere quietly by yourself, do it. I am deeply sorry for your loss. After my mom was gone, I was an orphan at age 67. You will continue to feel like a motherless child. There are times when I've said aloud, "Mom, how am I supposed to do this?" You will find comfort finding something she has written or made. She will always be with you, in your heart and memories.

Yes, it was very much like that for my Mom. Her dementia took her current memory, it affected her longterm memory much less. But without the ability to 'write' new memories, she was so often alone in a strange place with strangers. At first, when she was still coping fairly well, she just turned them into friends... the staff told us they really loved her sense of humor and courage.

But eventually she just got too tired to keep on, and after the fall she was like yours, barely aware, barely responsive, before she passed. The hospice nurse said it's a common sign they haven't long to go...

I have teared up a few times... I snorgled when giving my eulogy for her at the service, but it's mostly just melancholy, frustration, deep sadness, a little anger, and a kind of bewilderment, dancing around in my emotions.

sadly,
Bright

Cry or rant all you need to.

I know yours is totally different and personal, but I can say with some certainty that you'll grow a callous over this wound in time. There is no way I, nor anyone else can fully understand the pain you must feel.
But know that everyone here is hoping for your safe passage through these trying times. If you need to vent, you'll not be faulted nor judged.
I'm new to the membership, but having followed this site for years I am sure that anyone here will help if we can.

aloha e Bright.

I wish you well .... and strength ....sorry about your mom...

Or make your wishes known, so there is no doubt.

I had the sense that she was trying to spare us somewhat... not wanting her children to think she was eager to leave US. We knew, and I know the last few conversations with her I had, I tried to convey that it was okay to want to go.

Our system for handling the end of life transitions is very inadequate.

sadly,
Bright

to a completely helpless person in 3 years. Mind worked, body didn't. Cannot imagine a worse way to go.

Losing your mom is so hard - my mother passed away exactly 19 years ago and I still think about her this time of year especially when Christmas shopping. I'll see something and briefly think, "Oh, Mom would love that!" and then remember she's not around.... No matter how old you are, you need your mom.

We expect my mother, 92 with dementia, will never recover completely from a recent bout with COVID. She will be assessed for hospice on Friday and I am already pushing up my plans for a prolonged visit.

It sounds like your mother was well loved and admired and touched many lives. Cherish the memories.

Thank you for writing about it so lucidly.

My heartfelt condolences for your most difficult experience.
💜💜💜

but so in awe of your eulogy for your mom, that you've shared with us here. I have a whole host of alcoholics/addicts in my family, and the ones who have been brought back to a fuller, more sane-looking life by the Twelve Steps would love what you shared here. It just makes my heart feel full of love, and I feel grateful for your mom's work, and for your family.

Moms and dads aren't like real people: They carry some sort of primal, supernatural power in our lives, whether for good or for bad, but almost always more powerful than they would probably wish for. Losing them is just going to be a lonely kind of difficult, because so much of our parents are imprinted on our entire view of the world, and our view of ourselves. And for that reason, I sympathize with your loss.

Your grief is your own special gift to the relationship with your mom, and it honors the sincerity of the love you still feel for her. I'm sending you a big hug, my friend.

...and how that shapes the particular sorrow for their loss.

I'm finding my Mom's 'voice' in my heart, and it makes me think of the TS Eliot lines (I paraphrase, I don't have them memorized):

"What the dead have no speech for, being living,
They can tell us, being dead; the communication
Of the dead is tongued with fire
beyond the language of the living"

Time is the great gift. Cherish every moment as though it's all you have.

sadly,
Bright

I hope you get what you need to make it through.
There are no rules for grief, and just do what you need to do to be ok.

to get a new screen name.
My first husband still posts here, but I'm widowed now from my second husband.
Again, sorry for your loss.

Just seeing this tender, expressive post now and deeply touched by what you’re feeling. I hope you’ve been able to have some of the time you need to process it all, so much to process and find peace with, on multiple levels. The macro level is certainly personal in its impact, we could be doing so much better with our elder care structure in the US. Wishing you comfort as you re-find your strength.

...that a grieving process is not something you 'get over' or turn on and off. It's a part of me and will stay forever. More than 50 years ago my father died, and that's certainly still with me. Perhaps what time does is provide perspective.

Initially it's overwhelming, the depth and detail of the pain, like an electron microscope viewing a biopsy sample. Time changes it to an optical microscope, and everything that was there is still there, but I see it differently. Less detail but more of an analog reality. Ultimately, I suppose, it becomes like something viewed through a telescope against a larger background of everything else around it.

It happens at its own pace, and it's not entirely one-directional, it moves back into close contrast and then recedes a bit. Ultimately the pain serves a purpose. But it's still pain.

appreciatively,
Bright

Want to remember it and put it to use. My mom is elderly and perspective is, and will continue to be, important. I’ve been working on that quite a bit, both broadening and focusing in. The concept of optical device changing will be interesting to work with.

Peace, peace and comfort to you…

I'm returning to Minnesota in a couple of weeks, to help my sisters with more of the clearing-up. I don't know how that will play out, as far as our individual and collective grieving is concerned.

But I suspect we'll be able to do some laughing as well as some crying.

hopefully,
Bright

Almost 20 years later I still want to ask my mom about things that we experienced years ago. When walking through a gift shop I find myself looking at something and thinking for just an instant, "Mom would love that," until I remember. Same after Dad went six years later. It doesn't go away but you adjust and cope.

We had a similar experience with my husband's mother who died at 95 last year. So many losses along the way, coupled with happy times.

RIP Mama TygrBright!

I think one of the realities we all face if we live long enough is how we become members of a community of grief. And maybe we learn therein to find consolation with each other.

gratefully,
Bright

This is a beautiful tribute to your Mom.