And I'm really sorry you aren't getting support from people you know. You have us, for what it's worth.

done anything for yourself lately?

now?? only 3 months later?? Not so much.....

it wasn't as painful for them.

that this happened after his wife died. My husband died last year and I've been surprised that the women who have lost their husbands (and I know quite a few) haven't been more supportive. Unfortunately, our family lost three family members in a 13 month time period so we reach out to each other more than before. I'm sorry that you are feeling so alone in your grief. Grief is personal so be kind to yourself as you work through your grief. There will be good days and sad days and I hope that as time goes by you experience more good days filled with wonderful memories of your husband.

3 months.....and i’m Missing him so much, and no one even asks me how i’m doing.

My heart goes out to you in this time of extraordinary grief and loss.

It’s just none of my family, or my friends even texted me or called. It’s only been 3 months.

I really encourage you to look for grief counseling programs in your area, if you can do that.

Does your family know how much you're hurting? Is there anyone at all you can reach out to? I hope you can find some support & comfort in this difficult time.

Last edited Sun Aug 4, 2024, 09:55 PM - Edit history (1)

She really did love my husband. Ya just can’t talk to others like a sister.

Tell us. It looks like it has been hard for you.

Was his passing sudden?

I hope you get to the point where you see what he did to make your house a home and you smile, not cry.

himself. I yelled at him for peeing in our bed. He had dementia, and talked of ending his life because of it, and when I yelled at him he tried to kill him self with memory pills he was taking. So I called 911 to take him to the hospital......and ever since then he never came home and died in the damn memory care place.

The initial shock wears off and the lonely really starts taking a toll. I have found that peer groups are often very helpful as you get to listen and talk to others going thru various stages of grief. You would probably be helped by getting to know some peers you can talk to, who understand better what it's like.

Often, family and friends can be at a complete loss as to how to help, afraid to say things that might 'trigger' your grief, so they just sort of clam up. It doesn't mean they don't care. It often means they just don't know what to say and how to listen.

I remember the hitting the 3 month mark and I would do just about anything to NOT be in the house without my husband. Doing errands, carefully, as the mind is not always 'in the zone' while out driving, was a safer place. When I turned the car for home, the fountain of tears would often force me to pull over.

It's hell rattling around the house, and you might be helped by having some time with others in similar situation. Check around for any widows group in your area. Maybe contact some churches to see if pastors know of such groups. Sometimes, local libraries have meeting rooms where groups meet, so you might check with your local library staff.

Know people here care, and many know about the place you are at. Reach out. Sometimes, it helps just to know there are people who are there and know.

It sounds like you did a lot to take care of him. If you believe in an afterlife, I'm sure he looks back and is appreciative of your loving care and the loving marriage you had.

a grief counselor to get you through this.

I am very sorry for your loss.
I am also very sorry that your family and friends have not given you the support that you need.
How are you doing? Are you eating and sleeping? What are you doing with your days?
Sending ((hugs))

Maybe you need a phone call just to check in with once a week or an invitation to go for coffee. Sometimes we don’t know what to do or say in such a difficult, heartbreaking time. Let them know and I expect most will respond in a loving way since they were so supportive earlier.

In the meantime, so glad you reached out here. Many, many years ago I experienced a loss and all I wanted was someone to talk to about him.

How did you meet your dear husband?

a while. He did call me like 3 weeks later......was funny how we met.....I moved to La Crosse, Wi from Madison because I wanted to begin a new life. Just divorced after 4 years. A coworker said to me after I was working for two weeks, “you look like you could use a drink”. I said damn right I do.....and actually the rest is history. 42 years we were married..... he was the most gentle, happy, handy, and handsome man EVER. I miss him so much.

That’s a wonderful story, went for a drink and found a wonderful life partner. I can’t imagine your pain now but my goodness 42 wonderful years is a real gift. 💕

Sometime the fear of saying the wrong thing may be stopping them from saying anything at all. They may not want to cause you additional anxiety by opening up the conversation.

Is there a friend or relative you could reach out to and open up the dialogue about your husband?

I am sorry about your loss and I do hope you find a friend or family member or a group, like du for example, to help you through your grief.

I’ll start by asking: How are you?

Not great, not happy, just ok. Surviving.....see all his stuff, and cry. Get stuff in the mail that he used to take care of, and now I gotta take care of it. I just miss him so much. I know it’s gonna take time, but damn it.....I JUST MISS HIM SO MUCH.

I sometimes think a lot of people are afraid of their own feelings. Some are just plain old selfish.

You might find that a good place to talk with other people about your husband is a local bereavement group in your area. I don’t think it would be hard to find one. You will find yourself with others who will care how you’re doing and also meet new people and make new friends in real life. It’s just a suggestion.

Wonder if they’ll mind me just crying before I can even talk. If anyone asks me about Roger, all I do is just start crying. My post office people said they had heard about him passing, and all I could do was wave and just started crying. I just can’t talk about him yet without crying.

But I knew most UU congregations were not patriarchal or strictly Christian, which I have issues with. So I went. Small congregation and casual. They were fine with me just sitting on the floor in back, quietly sobbing, for weeks. When they sensed I was more comfortable, some started talking to me, inviting me to sit with them during the 'coffee and visit' time in the community room after service. Mostly an older group, and many widowed. They understood and let me take the time I needed to feel OK just visiting.

It's weird, but just being allowed to sit in that corner and cry quietly but in the presence of others as they did their service routine, which included a time set aside for members to share any personal problems or good news, well, it really helped.

Reach out. It makes a difference.

Be well. Take care. Eat good food. Wear your husband's shirts around the house for a while. It helps. It's OK to do what helps.

Im undergoing a scary mystery illness. I could have cancer. My supposedly-close cousin said she'd check in Monday. Not a five-second text. Gee, thanks.

She's on vacation

Yup.

I found it helpful, comforting, supportive.
A small group of us, including several widows, 2 widowers, a few who'd lost parents met weekly for several months, and some of us kept in touch.
They had a separate group for parents who'd lost children.
It was a free program. I hope you can find a bereavement or grief support group near you.

My women's lunch group are good for me getting out.......but we don’t talk of him.....I think they just want me to be as I was with him. They don’t talk of him, so I don’t either. Happy I have them, but they don’t really let me be me without him.

Because maybe you haven’t told them how you feel and they don’t want to intrude on your feelings. Next time you meet, bring up your feelings about your loss and how it has affected your life and maybe they will feel free to share their thoughts, too. Maybe they don’t realize you want to have that conversation with them. My sincere condolences and I wish peace for your heart ((🌺 )

or an ear

Grief is such a personal thing, we all feel it in our own way..
I can only hope that seeing him there in all that you did together will bring you some solace

Sometimes others forget how long it takes us to get over great profound loss. Give it some time, we're here for you.

I can relate to your loss. My wife died unexpectedly Easter Saturday. I grieve her passing every day. And I plan on grieving her for the rest of my life. Grief is the price we pay for love. At first I couldn't cry. Now it seems like a day doesn't go by without tears. May God be with you. Take care of yourself.

Easter Sunday she died?? Heartbreaking….and I love, “grief is the price we pay for love”. Thank you for this. And welcome to DU.

Find new interests outside of the house, drive over to my place and I''ll buy supper.

Cry, then rebuild. Doing service for others really helped me get through it.

..."weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalms 30:5

I offer my virtual hugs. My mom died on 12/12 last year. We moved to Tennessee to live together and help each other. I get a sharp pain when I see or hear or learn of something she would have been interested in. I catch myself thinking "I've got to remember to tell her..."

Grief sucks. It hurts. And it changes a person. I am not quite the same person I was a year ago, I have less patience for some things, no ambition for other things, and much more patience than I've ever had before on yet other things.

I'm saddened that your family hasn't been there for you. One of my two closest friends doesn't want to hear anymore about my grief. And that hurts, too.

But we, the DU folks are here.

From my heart to yours

when my wife passed in 2013. I had a few friends come by very early on, but after that, nothing.

It's very hard. I would suggest grief counseling, it helped me tremendously.

People may be unable to express themselves. Hang in there

Many of the older people on here have lost people we love. And we do care about you and how you are doing. At least I do, and I sure many more.

Then there are holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. Then his clothes don't smell like him any more.

I don't know if the pain of losing someone gets better or if we just get used to it because it's a part of us. I do know that in the first few months, grief intrudes at the most inopportune times, like when we're putting some gas in the car or walking down the street. It seems to come in waves. Carry plenty of Kleenex.

People who aren't grieving are often uncomfortable around people who are.

What you can do: First, realize your job right now is to grieve and slowly let go. Second, think about couple you've known where a partner has died, maybe reach out to them and talk about how they got through it. Do a lot of listening. Third, consider talking to a professional if grief starts to turn into paralysis. Fourth, forgive your family. Try not to resent them for being uncomfortable. Fifth, try not to make any major decisions for the first six months, minimum.

Be good to yourself. It takes a lot of energy to grieve, so eat, even if everything tastes like cardboard. If you aren't ready to figure out how to shop and cook for one, the freezer section in the supermarket is your best friend., supplemented with some fresh fruit and veg. After all, nobody else is perfect, why should you be?

Most of us here are a PM away.

I'd love for you to tell me about your wonderful husband. Send me a pm if you need someone to listen. Hugs to you.