I just finished a workshop where the prompt was about who'd you call if you needed someone. Here's what I wrote:
I would talk to Andy. I cannot talk to him now, or ever again. It's been almost a year since he died. His death left an irreplaceable hole in my soul. It seems to me that never again will I have someone in my life who knew me as well as he did. I find myself inventing conversations with him, but these don't really help, since I never knew what he would say. His creativity, wit and overall knowledge of so many things made him the perfect person to talk to. Our connection was deep and so very comforting to us both.
And now all of that--Gone. Usually I can handle the grief, but today it seems stronger than usual. It hurts, a lot. And there is no cure for it--except maybe time.
Time has helped, a little. I've gotten used to his being gone. Mostly. But no question about how hard it's been, and promises to keep on being.
In 16 days, I will be 81. It was on my birthday last year that he called to tell me that he had cancer. It was a terrible moment. I survived it but that day ushered in what is probably my worst year ever.
I crashed my car; it took 2 months to fix.
Multiple falls.
And now, the lost election and the return of the worst person ever to occupy our White House.
I could wish for his return--and I have. It's an impossible pipe dream and it doesn't help.
Every now and then, I remember being in his presence as we played together. I remember my joy and contentment. That does help. I can only hope that these joyful memories will stay with me and help me heal. I don't ever want to forget how much we loved each other. I will always remember this. He helped change my life.
= new reply since forum marked as read
Even virtual hugs help!
Part of me IS gone.
And you're also right that Andy would want me to keep on keeping on, traveling, discovering, learning, and growing. He was always that way about his own life.
And I feel the same about the monster. It's horrifying. But we must make the best of it.
Hopefully not for long.
And you've written very eloquently about your loss as well.
I know how lucky I was. To meet someone at this late stage of my life is nothing short of miraculous. I really feel that. And those memories are very comforting. Of course, they're ghosts. The real man, the flesh and blood man, is the one I miss the most.
I will have peace and healing--someday.
this loss. I wish perseverance and healing for you. You have strength to have persevered this far without Andy. I hope time will help heal the wound the loss has left in you.
I have to admit that your post evoked selfish thoughts of how poorly I would deal with losing my husband, who is the only person I feel truly close to. I can't imagine getting out of bed to face a day without him. :
I am surviving and I know things will get better. I know Andy would want me to be happy, as much as possible. He had his own share of personal losses and with time, he overcame them and knew joy again.
I hope that my journey will encourage you to see your own path if the worst happens.
