met my present wife and have been happily married for thirty five years. You most definitely will be fine.

Must be a lot to process.

wonderful man I am now married to. Getting dumped was one of the best things that has happened to me! So you never know if a curse is really a blessing. Good luck!

I can't tell you what to do but I can remind you that they way others treat us or the things they do to us, says much more about them then it does about us. Was this unexpected?

Last edited Sat Mar 27, 2021, 10:31 PM - Edit history (1)

he also quit his job of thirty years. and is moving from PA to Georgia, for a girlfriend from 1985.a group of his friends from then are all in their 50's and done with raising kids, or what ever they have been doing for 30 years. they are all free to be happy again

Thank you for reaching out, let me know if I can do anything for you.

So I had no idea it was coming. That was eleven years ago and it really sucked. The good news is it gets better, and you may well find you are happier with your new normal, once you get a little space and time down the road. That has certainly been true for me.

I'm sure that your head is reeling right now. I can only re-state what others have already said: there may well be someone out there who will put some joy back into your life. But I know how difficult this must be for you. If you can get counseling, that may help you navigate this emotionally.

That is really stunning and harsh. Please take care of yourself. Reach out to some of your female friends. Can you talk to a counselor some? You have alot of processing to do and it will take time. Be gentle with yourself.

But surprisingly I got back to normal. Pain was gone. What I learned, for me, is that I am more resilient than I expected. It is trite but true, this too will pass. Though it’s hard to believe that right now.

That's awful love! What a coward over email? Girl you're better off without him if hes gonna pull one of those virtual dumpings. I'm here if you need to talk.

A few months after celebrating our 40th anniversary with a big party where we renewed our vows (she was already in the picture) I got dumped via a middle of the night email. Totally blindsided. Totally. Because I thought we had a good marriage. It took me awhile but I am good. You will get there too, but not today. Not tomorrow. But one day you will wake up happy again. In the meantime get yourself a good lawyer, and make sure you don’t short change yourself in the settlement.

Are you OK? Email sounds pretty harsh and immature. If you need someone I'm here for you.

My 28 year marriage is over, mostly by my choice, I guess it's somewhat mutual. Our last fight yesterday was horrible and she told me to just kill myself and she hated me. I can't take anymore.

I'm pretty depressed, but I guess that goes with the territory.

Were there any warning signs? Did this come out of the blue? Is there someone else?

...but dumping someone by email or text just seems really chickenshit to me. Ever more so in the case of a 30+ year relationship. Totally cowardly.

I can't help out much on your main point, though, other than to say I think that I would probably just go do something for myself as a distraction for a bit. Let the raw feelings simmer down some and proceed from there. Don't know if that's helpful to you or not.

Either way, best wishes to you. You'll get through it.

Down the road a ways you may find he wasn’t the person you thought, at all. Someone who cares and loves you wouldn’t do that

Just have to say it, he is an asshole and or coward for handling something this important via an email. He may have some good qualities, but that is real jerk behavior and everyone deserves better than than.

I liked an earlier poster’s advice to get a really good lawyer. If you live in a small town with limited options lock in the best one FAST.
I know your heart is breaking and hard to think practically right now, but that was some very sound advice. And if it turns out down the road you don’t need one, so be it.

💞💞💕💕💖💞💞

Go to Post Office to sign for a package. Thought it might be a gift from a relative, turned out to be divorce papers from the wife.

Turned out the be the best thing that ever happened as I'm now with the love of my life.

of person who would do that to you, thank him for getting gone and don't look back. What a creep.

There is a better life waiting for you.

have had friends use that site for excellent advice on how to proceed in your situation.

Don't do anything rash right now. The first thing you should do now is call around to find a kick-ass lawyer. Often, domestic violence centers can give you advice on which lawyers to use.

The second thing is to get copies of all financial papers.

chumplady.com

It could save your future. You cannot depend on your 'husband' to be either fair or nice from now on.

people keep saying again and again to get a lawyer before the guilty part of his departure wears off. thank you for your very good advice

future transactions. When both lawyers sit, they can reopen accounts after settlement. Through the throaw's of new love, hope he is thinking about moving and not strangle-holding you.

Much luck

this is so frightening. we are 2 payments away from paying off the mortgage. i am gutted. my friends are showing up in my yard with food and company. i haven't slept but now all i want to do is sleep. this is a death. it feels like shocking ,smacking fresh grief.

Also I saw that he quit his longtime job and moved to another state to be with a chick he knew from the mid 80s????

Yikes. The email notice is majorly assholish.

I came home from visiting my parents (a trip he made an excuse to get out of) to find his belongings gone. Not a word spoken to me. That was in 1997. We weren't married as long as you have been, but still traumatic. You have my sympathies.

Lawyer up, change locks if you can, and separate all your stuff now. Take items that are special to you to a storage place or to someone you trust. That includes cash if you have it.

how awful and cowardly. thank you for your advice

We were married on Valentine's Day, 1982. It was my first marriage; it was her second. She cheated on her first husband with several men, including me. I was young and dumb.

By May, she was cheating on me.

When I moved out, I found another man's underwear in our chest of drawers.

We divorced September 1982.

It was painful. I didn't get married again until 20 years later. That was in 2002. We're still married.

It is good news that you found a better partner.

Dumping via email is an act of cowardice in my opinion.

A person should be willing to deliver the bad news in person unless there is an issue with one or the others safety.

But looking back in retrospect regarding my life and marriages, I can't deny I wished it was easier than it was.

However, in your situation, the important thing to keep in mind is that this choice of communication medium is definitely NOT about you, it's about your husband and his issues.

My best advice is to engage a professional intermediary if possible. If you can't to don't want to do that then just run with the email pattern. But DO NOT put anything in any emails to him that you don't want to factor into any separation or divorce agreement. Emails are a valid source of evidence. they will come back to bite you. Let him say anything he wants. Give everything to your lawyer.

I sincerely hope you keep hope alive for a better life - a good therapist is essential - I speak from experience (see below)

-----

Now... For background, iv'e been married 3 times and divorced twice. Here's my story, just so you know where I'm coming from:

Marriage 1: married way too early (thinking below the belt). Five years later, it turned out she was ADHD/OCD/BP all at once and had stopped taking her meds because she insisted on having a few children. I said absolutely not. Later after the divorce, I found out that for years she had been running off with a Russian orthodox priest on every holy day (and she was jewish... go figure. He was married and had 3 kids)

Divorce 1: So I forced the issue or therapy to get the bottom of it. After two sessions, the therapist said she would not see us together or me again and that she would continue to counsel my wife. Her option was that it wasn't a question of IF we would divorce, but WHEN. and that her job and mine was to do the best to prepare my wife for that event. So, after a few weeks of this therapy arrangement I told my wife I was going to move out for a while, and that we would continue with the therapy. She went crazy. I stuck to the plan. Two months later I met her in public and informed her It was time for a divorce. She was very upset, told me she would allow me to have as many affairs as I wanted to (wtf? - this was obvious a subliminal result of her own behaviours). Anyway, in the end I walked away with my clothes, and had to pay alimony for 3 years. Good decision. (10 years of my life gone)

Marriage 2: Met her at work. Seemed sincere and genuine. In retrospect I think it was a rebound thing with me - trying to fill a hole in my emotional life that was destroyed in my 1st. At the end of the day she turned out to a vindictive soul - shunning me for the simplest thing (like not hearing her when she was speaking softly in the kitchen while the TV was on, microwave running...resulting in weeks of total communication blackout - I think she enjoyed it.

Divorce 2: I had started a new job that took me out of town for weeks at a time. After about 3 months of asking her of she wanted to come along at some point, I said forget it. She tells me that I need to go to therapy. I say no problem - and didn't even suggest she do the same. Therapist educated me about transitional relationships and bingo! Understanding!!! I continue working my job. After another couple of months of me interacting in the family (she had a daughter) in a more non-transactional manner, she asks, "Are you happy?" I said no. She says, "do you want a divorce?". I responded with a pause and a "Let me think about that?" fast forward a few days... I tell her yes I want a divorce. I moved out with my clothes and belongings the next day. Took 6 months of legal negotiation and I walked away with nothing plus alimony for a year. (Another 10 years of my life gone)

In both instances above, I guess I was likely just chewing a leg off to get out a trap - I must be a starfish - they grow back eventually - nothing is forever.

Marriage 3: its been 21 years so far... stay tuned.

I've long recovered after my divorce. My only regret was not getting on board with the marriage being over long before the divorce arrived. I survived. You will to.

But as you now know, there have been more than a few blitzkrieg separations and divorces, so it’s nothing you did, it’s just the way some people are. My brother-in-law would have returned from vacation to an empty house if his dingbat ex hadn’t filed her change-of-address form incorrectly, prompting the Post Office to email him as the homeowner. I can’t really decide which is worse: the ambush, or the long slow gaslighting process like my wife’s ex pulled on her. Both, of course, suck. May you find the strength to handle this transition.