Coping with Divorce or Separation

no_hypocrisy

(48,778 posts) Tue Apr 3, 2012, 03:28 PM Apr 2012

My son is divorced only three months and he's already engaged and I'm worried.

He was besotten with his ex-wife. He dated her in high school; she broke it off with him; she got pregnant with another guy and had the baby; and my son reunited with her and married her. He was kicked out of their house for more than a year and he still believed she'd take him back. But she filed and he had no choice but to be divorced.

My son is 33 and thinks that he has to get married again right away -- because of his age. I'm not kidding. He thinks that if he waits, he'll miss his chance to get married and have a family.

He's a nice guy, but too nice a guy. The girl that he's engaged to is still in a relationship with a guy with whom she's still living (I know, I know . . . ) and with whom she's been together for almost a decade. And my son thinks that she's ready to marry him????? Not to mention I'm worried about the other guy coming after my son for "stealing" his girl.

It finally occurred to me last night that the type of girl he's attracted to is the kind who needs to be rescued. It's almost as if he believes that if he rescues a girl in trouble, she'll stay with him as an obligation, not because of love, friendship, trust, etc.

Back to my original point, he wants to marry the first girl who's nice to him after his divorce. Not satisfied with being friends or going slow, he's ready to jump back into the deep end of the pool after he was pushed into it.

11 replies

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My son is divorced only three months and he's already engaged and I'm worried. (Original Post) no_hypocrisy Apr 2012 OP

but she is not really being nice to him. she is using him, that is for sure. both women. seabeyond Apr 2012 #1

My sentiments exactly. no_hypocrisy Apr 2012 #2

so, seabeyond Apr 2012 #3

His decisions make me shudder. no_hypocrisy Apr 2012 #4

Oh, gosh. SheilaT Apr 2012 #5

I agree with your insight. no_hypocrisy Apr 2012 #6

Tell him there is no reason to hurry salparadise1000 May 2012 #7

Thank you. That's exactly what I told him a short time ago. no_hypocrisy May 2012 #8

Hope everything has worked out.... ProudToBeBlueInRhody Jul 2012 #9

I'm happy to tell y'all that I didn't have any true worries after all. no_hypocrisy Jul 2012 #10

You re right. maybe try to get him to counciling? robinlynne Jul 2012 #11

seabeyond

(110,159 posts)

1. but she is not really being nice to him. she is using him, that is for sure. both women.

Reply to no_hypocrisy (Original post)

Tue Apr 3, 2012, 03:32 PM

Apr 2012

i am not seeing nice, though.

maybe your son ought to reflect why he cant define nice.... or respect. cause he is missing out on those key points that lead to a healthy relationship. a woman that uses. a woman that plays both men is not nice and is not respectful.

no_hypocrisy

(48,778 posts)

2. My sentiments exactly.

Reply to seabeyond (Reply #1)

Tue Apr 3, 2012, 03:56 PM

Apr 2012

seabeyond

(110,159 posts)

3. so,

Reply to no_hypocrisy (Reply #2)

Tue Apr 3, 2012, 04:01 PM

Apr 2012

go kick his ass.... you still the parent, he is still the "kid", lol

no_hypocrisy

(48,778 posts)

4. His decisions make me shudder.

Reply to seabeyond (Reply #3)

Tue Apr 3, 2012, 04:27 PM

Apr 2012

SheilaT

(23,156 posts)

5. Oh, gosh.

Reply to no_hypocrisy (Original post)

Wed Apr 4, 2012, 09:45 PM

Apr 2012

This kind of behavior seems to be more common in women, but in any case it indicates someone who has not good sense of who he is. Plus, the whole thing about rescuing a girl and she'll feel obligated to stay is, I don't know, creepy? It's not the sign of someone who knows how to forge healthy relationships, that's for sure.

I can't even begin to guess what might help him. Someone like that doesn't respond well to advice from anyone, and of course a parent is the last person who will be listened to. He needs something to get him outside himself, and dealing with life and other people in a more rounded way. He needs to do more volunteer work, maybe. Or a total change of job or career to open him up to different things.

Oh, and how realistic is it for him to say he's engaged to a girl who is living with another man. I suspect he's fantasizing a situation that's not actually what's going on.

no_hypocrisy

(48,778 posts)

6. I agree with your insight.

Reply to SheilaT (Reply #5)

Thu Apr 5, 2012, 05:43 AM

Apr 2012

I can't make decisions for him.

I just see a pattern now that I find to be unhealthy, if not dangerous.

salparadise1000

(48 posts)

7. Tell him there is no reason to hurry

Reply to no_hypocrisy (Original post)

Wed May 30, 2012, 03:35 PM

May 2012

He has plenty of time to get married and have kids. I was 40 when my daughter was born. Live with her, sleep with her, just don't get married to her for at least a year.

no_hypocrisy

(48,778 posts)

8. Thank you. That's exactly what I told him a short time ago.

Reply to salparadise1000 (Reply #7)

Thu May 31, 2012, 04:34 PM

May 2012

He said nothing, but he seems to be contemplating the advice.

Here's hoping . . . . . .

ProudToBeBlueInRhody

(16,399 posts)

9. Hope everything has worked out....

Reply to no_hypocrisy (Original post)

Mon Jul 9, 2012, 05:29 PM

Jul 2012

...I know this was awhile back.....

Sounds like a classic rebound.....except the part about her still having a live in boyfriend. Unreal.

no_hypocrisy

(48,778 posts)

10. I'm happy to tell y'all that I didn't have any true worries after all.

Reply to ProudToBeBlueInRhody (Reply #9)

Mon Jul 9, 2012, 07:39 PM

Jul 2012

Last edited Tue Jul 10, 2012, 07:47 AM - Edit history (1)

It's been months since I wrote the original post. She's just as in love with him as he is with her. He's never smiled like he is now since he's been with her. He's talking. This is big as he's always been too quiet. He's personable. And she smiles at him too.

OK, I admit it. I may have been wrong on this . . . .

BTW, ex-wife got fired from her job. Love that Karma.

robinlynne

(15,481 posts)

11. You re right. maybe try to get him to counciling?

Reply to no_hypocrisy (Original post)

Tue Jul 24, 2012, 10:48 PM

Jul 2012

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