It is more difficult for me to have compassion for their attitudes such as ignorance and lack of curiosity about things. They want to hide inside their church and not deal with their problems. They can always say that what happens is God's will. I think it's just being passive and following authority figures.

That's exactly what I always thought I had to do with people who had traits or did things I didn't like and who I thought I was supposed to like or love.

Before I started practicing Zen I just tried to overlook these things in the people in my life. This resulted in a lot of pain some of which I wasn't even aware of until it bubbled up, it also resulted in essentially keeping people out of part or all of my life.

After practicing for a while I started wanting to "fix" people that again led to just a different set of problems.

These days with many of the people who have been part of my life for a long time I've been able to find a sort of equanimity, able to like and love them and see their ignorance, hate and greed.

However, with some new adequateness, particularly in my professional circles there are people who I just don't like, who do and say things that make me just uncomfortable. I can't overlook these things, even if they are otherwise technically (I'm in IT) good at their work.

I find it increasingly difficult to not 'overlook' and still maintain an equanimity.

It's particularly difficult in one case because I seem to be his only 'friend' in the office now.

Last edited Wed Apr 4, 2012, 07:28 AM - Edit history (1)

Im having similar experience but will reply more fully later today

[font color="navy" face="Verdana"]There are people in my family who I should and do love in a familial sense and for their obvious love of family (a kind of tribalism). At the same time, I very much dislike some of them for their racism, homophobia, pushy social Darwinism/Libertarianism, propensity towards violent speech, mockery of environmental concerns, etc, etc.

We don't see each other often, which is a blessing, and when we do see each other, I go out of my way to avoid "debate." My last necessary, prolonged contact was guided by the mantra "detachment." It worked pretty well, but it was still a strain at times to feel love and compassion, let alone equanimity. I have to work on ambivalence and anxiety, and prepare for weeks before each annual visit.

Anyway, I guess we just have to keep doing our own inner work and keep trying to include difficult cases in our circle of karuṇā.

[font color="navy" face="Verdana"]As a kind of mantra, the word reminds me that it's not up to me to judge or change these people; that they must find their own paths, while the only path I have to walk is my own; and that I can remain emotionally detached from their prejudices, squabbles, and frequent dramas.

It's a powerful tool for me and actually enables me to practice calmness, patience, kindness, and compassion in what would otherwise be very difficult circumstances for me to endure, let alone function in.

I may have to try that as I have sometimes found myself in similar circumstances.

[font color="navy" face="Verdana"]To give credit where credit is due, it was my son's suggestion before I went for a long visit when my dad was ill.

We knew circumstances would be even more stressful than usual and he knows my vulnerabilities, so that was his recommendation for coping. It definitely works.

[font color="navy" face="Verdana"]That perspective is a huge help. The trick, of course, will be remembering it in times of stress, when it's needed most.



PS - HA!! My very next click (in another window) after posting the above opened this:

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=this-is-your-brain-in-meltdown&WT.mc_id=SA_DD_20120409
Too bad I don't have a subscription to read the whole article--but could there be just a little synchronicity going on here?

Now the question is how to abort the paralysis, and maintain equanimity, love, and compassion under stress -- and thus we arrive back at our practice of mindfulness and meditation. I think an image of an ouroboros encircling a lotus would be quite appropriate here. Unfortunately, nobody has made one yet that I can find.

For myself, I try to keep things very simple. When I feel myself getting stressed out in regards to a person, I've trained myself to think "gratitude" and it instantly lowers my stress. I am where I need to be and I have something to learn.

I also remind myself that all beings want happiness and want to avoid suffering. That thought gives me common ground with that person and helps to lower any negative emotions I might be feeling.

You're right. It brings us back to our practice of mindfulness and meditation, which is a lifelong journey. That's where I try to apply a little compassion for myself

[font color="navy" face="Verdana"]Gratitude and recognizing the common ground that all beings share. Perfect things to remind oneself of when struggling to avoid negative reactions.

Being around certain people causes me such anxiety and stress that I've been known to just shut down. Following your lead in learning to make compassionate (instead of defensive) responses reflexive will certainly help this part of the journey.

I'm so glad that there is a Buddhist Group so we can all share ideas

nice thoughts!

is easy to overlook.

To me, there is only one way to actually experience and express it and it is not about externalization at first.

If you cannot have total and unequivocal compassion for yourself without reservation, then don't waste too much time and effort trying to have it for others. To start outside yourself from a base that is dealing with false notions about narcissism and arrogance where self-love is a fault makes true bodhichitta into a difficult intellectual conundrum where the effort applied is proved to be futile in the sense that contrasts and conflicts obviously obscure the natural nature of compassion itself as it flows throw you effortlessly.

Practice the most sincere and heart-felt loving kindness on yourself, (and be prepared for the potential inner conflicts and other aspects of self you invoke) and, if you are truly successful, true compassion will do itself with nothing more than an acknowledgement and agreement within you to let it act as it does without any reservations or conceptual barriers to hold it back.

Compassion is more powerful and natural than we imagine. It is not something we really have to do. It is not an obligation or effort, in that sense. It is simply an expression of what we are capable of allowing ourselves to give to ourselves first. Then, the recognition of the interdependence of who we are with others is merely a carefree expansion of our boundaries where our own, natural tendency towards being selfish and acting in our own best interests is allowed to expand into its own nature, including others more and more. It can be a joy that is self-fulfilling in this sense and not a chore, task or trial in any sense from there on in.

For me right now. I need compassion and gratitude for challenges in belief systems. I know better because I've studied values clarification. My 'enemy' is my teacher because it brings up some shadow personality that I'm unconscious of admitting I have within myself. I'm struggling with whatever that lesson is supposed to be? More detachment is definitely in order.