Though I see it more as being kind of OCD and ADD with moments of clarity and joy.

Working to stay in the joyous place.

Like I said, I feel like a parrot pulling out its feathers (If you have ever had birds, that's how they display stress).

I'm trying to get it together, and I *think* I am presenting to others as having it together, but I kind of don't. Too many people rely on me. I've shouted, ranted and yelled, that helped but then, it's just "Oh, Aerows was mad and yelled". Which is not a normal thing for me.

Twice I have lost my temper into a full blown screaming rant. It's not like me, but then again, I'm not doing well under the pressure I am under.

I've used CBT and DBT materials to help friends who have problems and found them to be useful for myself to use at times of stress.

Just taking a moment to look at, list if you like, the things that are pressing and then try to take a look at how they're impacting you.

You do this in a descriptive and not judgmental way, and try to prioritize and determine which are most important, which are most bothersome, and what is an appropriate and productive response.

I really can't do justice to years and years of research, that's just my personal overview.

Here's a couple links, though you're probably familiar with CBT, at least:

DBT: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/06/28/marsha-linehan-what-is-dialectical-behavioral-therapy-dbt/

CBT: http://psychcentral.com/lib/in-depth-cognitive-behavioral-therapy/000907

CBT vs DBT: http://psychcentral.com/lib/whats-the-difference-between-cbt-and-dbt/0005148

I hope you find your peaceful center soon!

are going to kill me, and I'm going to be the bad guy for dying on them.

I moved back from NYC to my home town over 20 years ago and they were retired.

I had to move to a small house on a lot with a tall gate and remote and keypad entry because my stepfather couldn't understand that my work at home job wasn't an open invitation to come over and tell me about how the yard needed work or whatever.

They grew older and older and leaving town seemed to be harder and harder to do until they both died last year.

The care they needed during their last 3 or 4 years was far more taxing than the years before, so I hope you'll steel yourself for more potential stress.

Of course, it doesn't have to be stressful if you can find the right balance between communicating with them and maintaining your sanity and your space.

I don't know your details, but it sounds like a good start might be to screen calls, take control of the time and types of communication you have, and be very honest about your needs.

Sometimes you just can't win, in which case you might as well try to get your way where you can.

Good luck.

"Do you want to come over for breakfast? Honey, you have lost weight, your legs look like a blue jays." "We have biscuits and gravy."

Arrive.

"Can you fix the fireplace for us?" Spend 20 minutes crouching at the gas fireplace fixing the asinine thing, check my watch, and I'm about to be late for work.

Breakfast? None.

It's that sort of thing that is driving me nuts.

My mom and step-dad were different in this respect.

I'd drop by every day on the way home from work, they'd hired a helper to cook, etc., as my mom was permanently in a chair and dad was weak.

I was not about to build a fire with firewood every day after work when I wasn't able to find time to keep my own house in good repair.

When I build a fire, he'd complain, if I said no he'd complain, there was no pleasing him.

I also was the chief repair person for them. Sure, I could fix anything but resorted to having them call repair people that I would find for them.

Work on it, you can make it better but you'll have to assert yourself, control the time you're there, be clear about it throughout-- "I just came by to say hi and I have about an hour if you need anything, but no more than an hour".

And maybe try to get used to them not being happy about it.

It's your life, Aerows, not theirs!

You're a good child, they're lucky and don't know it.

chief repair person. I only recently put my foot down that I wasn't going to be chief "Toter of heavy loads". I nearly broke my finger one day on an impromptu summoning that was taking an air compressor out of the truck. Sorry, no, not anymore. I was called a piece of shit and everything else when I said NO MORE, LAST TIME.

I can handle light bulbs, minor plumbing (well, hell, even major plumbing), fixing the TV, but I refuse to haul anymore heavy shit. No. I have hauled my last bag of mulch, my last heavy thing out of the truck and the last "Here's heavy shit, I'll call Aerows to do it" thing I will EVER do.

It took about three episodes of no, and no you can call me every name in the book but no, I'm not carrying a bunch of heavy shit conversations for them to get that, too.

but depression's grey cloud does come and go.

My parents have recently retired, and are driving me up the wall. Since they have nothing to do, they suddenly have decided that *I* have things they need to do. Short of having a heart attack, I have no idea what to do with them.

I yelled full blast that they needed to find things to do other than worry the shit out of me to do small things that I have no interest in being involved in, and then have been guilted into things that I also had no interest in doing because they would injure or kill themselves without my involvement.

I always feel like crap when I lose my shit. People snap when they are overloaded.

I totally lost my shit. I yelled and said "Fuck no, I'm not doing that" and I don't usually talk to people that way, much less my parents. They just got way too demanding. I slammed the door to the house and left.

I live close by, and would never abandon them, but you can only call me names so many times while I am trying to help you before I get pissed.

Which is different than a tantrum used to manipulate people into giving you your own way. For some people anger is a weapon used to bully.

This sounds like a real response to pressure and stress. I think an honest reaction sometimes lets people know you have boundaries. But I can see why you wouldn't want to makes it a habit. You seem very contrite.

Maybe you should development a contingency plan for what to do when this comes up again. Prepare yourself.

and I feel like shit when I have vented twice this month. I haven't yelled that much in 3 years, but I've been mentally pushed more this month than I have in a decade.

It's like getting caught up in a tidal wave, and you don't even notice until you are too far out at sea that you have to swim just to keep from getting cast further. Then you have the task of swimming back against the current. And you do, because you have to, and you know the beach is there somewhere, but damn if there aren't little fish trying to jump into your mouth when you take a breath, a fight against the waves, and a long way to go.

That's how I feel right now.

lots of things coming at you.

I yelled at my folks once, was living in FL in their apartment, before mother's diagnosis and move to assisted care facility, where she finally passed. I had no life of my own with them, but didn't have much of a life before going to FL due to matters 'at home.' I think we were all surprised that I blew up as I did. It happens.

was me carrying heavy crap. I'm sorry. I am 5'4" and weigh 110. I cannot suddenly become a person capable of toting 30 and 40lbs of shit around when I get off of work.

I was a lazy piece of crap for declaring that. I'm a human being that has limits.

I still do the handyman things, though. I still get shamed when I do certain things that I didn't carry this that or the other thing that weighed a damn ton.

Worst part: I did for years. I just can't do it any more.

I've never done ANYTHING like that, 5'4 too, 130-ish, and LITTLE upper body strength, and never asked to do that stuff.

LOL.

I'm pretty fit, but I'm also aging, and I know my physical limits.

That's what Dad calls me "His only boy".

That also is chastised when I don't show up at a dinner with perfect hair.

perfect hair is SO important!





Thank goodness for my brother, but not exactly a handyman!

Folks DID say they could always count on my judgment, tho! (No contests between me and my brother, at all. Geographically removed, but not emotionally.)

and moved 1500 miles away from them. I just lingered near them in different cities, and always helped when they asked for help.

I'm a natural handy person, and I also aid those around me in my condo complex, because they are pretty nice to me when I need somebody to water my plants or take care of my cat.

She had sense enough to move away, but of course, she's an evangelical Christian that is married to a man so she is much better than her "dirty" lesbian sister.

Such is life.

but different for sure! HAPPY to know a natural handy person!

with it. I know that wanting to be 100%, 100% of the time is a symptom that I need to quit charging hard forward with everything, but here I am.

I've lost weight and I am trying to put it back on. I've gotten so invested in everyone else, that I forgot my own self.

106lbs. And yes, I have issues that flirt with anorexia, and have to keep that in mind, which is another OCD issue.

of YOURSELF, Aerows.

You're smart enough to know what your 'issues' are, and thus to attend to them, somehow. We're here, and so are others, I'm sure.

Nobody is prepared for when we become our parents parents

I have fear of being in public, then don't exactly know how to act in public when everything is not "in order". Meaning I have the correct shoes, pressed pants and shirts, watch, pen...phone, correct phone case.

depression has been pretty in check this last year of wading through a divorce after 32 years. but it is dragging on and on. he is refusing to cooperate, even tho he knows full well the judge is going to make him.

spring should be making me happy, but i need to be more functional than i have been over the cold months. it is still somewhat up in the air whether i will be able to keep my farm and my home. i will get them, the only question is what i will have to give up to do it. and whether i will have enough money to keep it going. it is not making any money yet.
and whether it is the dumbest thing ever to hang on to it all. i could take the money and retire somewhere were i could be drinking umbrella drinks and having monkeys fetching me mangoes.

yesterday is the 31st anniversary (nonoversary?) of the day we actually tied the knot. it is funny that that was never the one we celebrated. we celebrated the day we met. we were rarely parted after that day. we usually would remember a few days later that we had forgotten it again.
but this year it loomed over me for a week. i barely moved yesterday. i am really pushing myself today.

you are more than entitled to an occasional outburst. set your limits, even if it takes a couple more tirades. ya gotta do what you gotta do.
you are no good to them if you dont take care of yourself.

and that you don't have to give up the farm. I know it means a lot to you, and hell, it would mean a lot to me, too!

I guess at times we just have to set it on cruise instead of pedal to the metal.



No matter what, you have friends on DU, and I hope I have the honor of being one of yours.

and of course you are one!!