COLORADO GUN MANUFACTURER TO LEAVE STATE

Magpie Industries, Colorado's largest producer of ammunition magazines, plans to immediately leave the state in the wake of a new law that limits magazine capacities to fifteen rounds. J.P.Magpie, founder and owner, states that the corporation will be unable to meet its mission statement, which is taken from Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, to make as much profit as possible for executives and stockholders. "While serving in Desert Storm I used many high-powered magazines and realized that every person in Colorado needed these magazines to kill magpies, prairie dogs, and coyotes which are such a nuisance here. So I founded my company in Boulder County producing every gun accessory we could design, from high quality 35-500 round magazines to calendars picturing hot babes snuggling with their guns."

"We have had huge successes in Colorado because it has more mentally ill and criminals than any other state. They are all now in Colorado prisons but we can never know when they will escape and come after us; Coloradans will need at least 100 round magazines. We also believe that the gun laws enacted will have a negative impact on the $32 billion annual bottom line of the Colorado companies like ours and destroy their business models. After paying executive salaries, donating $1 billion to the NRA, and another $1 billion for lobbying against gay marriage and legalizing marijuana, Magpie pumped almost $1 million into the Boulder economy. When we leave the state there will be only seven gun manufacturers and 179 gun dealers left in Colorado."

In our interview Mr. Magpie went on: "Magpie Industries has tried to be a good corporate citizen. We do not sell to anyone who says they are buying for Al Quaeda. We have put warnings on all our magazines that they are not for children under three because they might choke on small bullets, and warned hikers that the magazines should be carried in backpacks not in front Snuglis. We go to schools and tell the children how important it is for them to save their pennies so that they can afford assault weapons to protect themselves. We give discounts to all University of Colorado students and faculty. For many years our designs and innovations have kept Boulder liberals safe from elk and deer which have been scaring them, especially on Mapleton Street, and we are in the process of developing 1000 round magazines to kill the bears and mountain lions who don't seem to want to stay in the mountains where they belong.

Colorado and Boulder County will soon realize the mistake they have made in passing these laws but we can't promise that when they are overturned we will come back. Wyoming is much more welcoming than Colorado. There we will only have to pay $5.15 an hour instead of the $7.78 we've been paying line workers, and Wyoming congressmen have promised to sponsor a bill which will invalidate all amendments to the Constitution except the Second. However, with the signing of HB 1224 we want to reassure Colorado residents now officially in occupied territory that the "Boulder Airlift" will continue until July 1. But we will not be selling any more 35-1000 round magazines we designed for the military to law enforcement officers unless they promise not to enforce these draconian laws."