between my mother and my school I was made to feel it was my fault...the school suggested I should have let them kill me instead of raping me. Catholic school

I did drink, so I have some responsibility.

nothing you did or didn't do caused the rape. I don't care if you were drunk on your ass--you didn't drink and have sign that said - rape me.

The hard part for survivors is that survivors want to believe something they did caused it so that they can undo the 'whatever' it was. Well you didn't do a damn thing--the rapist did and intended to. Other girls and boys have been drunk without having been assaulted. Drinking had nothing to do with it.

Are there ways to respond to it? Oh hell yes. First off, stop buying into the BS. The Catholic church is not exactly renown for the treatment of sexual assault. Screw them.

me when I was a kid/teenager...why this?

11 year old into your future with you. Well she is here and she is good, always was. Celebrate her. She survived to 62. Amen to that. Cry as much as your want. Sexual assault creates a lake of tears....

I leave them behind. Keep going forward.

Tears are good, they are part of the way our psyche
heals itself. with lots of breathing, & no analyzing
or explanation required.

Tears help remove the toxins we carry in our bodies and
subtle bodies, caused by emotions we never fully
processed at the time(s) of trauma. Old emotions
like anger and sorrow are stored up in our bodies.
I have often felt my very bones were full of sorrow.

But our bodies and psyches know how to release that
stuff, and tears is part of it. All the cleansing energies.
Maybe it takes a whole lifetime. It is for me.

I spent several years doing nothing but cry -- 40
years after the events. Slowly the events lost their
power, and the darkness in me dissipated. I discovered
I am an innocent. The original innocence, never lost.

All of us have that in us, at our very core. We are like
those Russian nesting dolls. The original baby remains
undamaged.

hmm,when I was able to cry I remember the tears burned my face like crazy,I'd have red lines where they dripped and my eyes were bloodshot long after the cry. and my tears tasted hot, not like salty water. I have no clue why they burn like that. is it normal for trauma survivors to have burning tears?

anyone else have tears that burn?

makes me think of a depeche mode song I listen to to cope...called dirt

...you have to find one YOU like and makes YOU feel comfortable. It doesn't matter if others like him/her. Talking it out helps. Everyone has a different way of responding and adjusting to the violation.

"I did drink, so I have some responsibility." No, no you really don't. What was done to you was a violation that in no way was your responsibility. It is a shame you didn't have the support you needed then, and it may have been/be a reason the healing is incomplete or difficult.

sitting in the chair..and in group I felt like some outsider...so my mother pulled me out...she was looking into sending me to a catholic boarding school...which I WOULD have loved..but instead..by the time I was 13 she had me sent to reform school for running away from home. She told the judge I was (I don't recall the word) when a parent cannot control a child..so he sent me to Bonair School for Girls

It sounds as if your trauma was compounded by improper care following the violation. This may be why it is still "haunting" you today. Think of it this way; if you get cut and you don't care for it (or in your case, your mother didn't), then it doesn't heal correctly, and after time, more problems can arise.

You may want to seek counseling now, it is never too late to have treatment. I wouldn't suggest group, at least not until later. What type of person would make you feel comfortable? That is the first question you ask yourself, then you go form there.

You are never 'over it'. You learn to live with, move forward and live life again. But you're never over it. Every year when that date comes, you remember the time, you remember the weather, you remember ever little detail. There comes a time that it's easier to live with, when the day comes and goes a little easier, but you never forget and you're never 'over it'.

You just learn to move forward with your life and eventually you take back control and you don't let it define and control you. But only you can decide when that happens, it's different for everyone. Everyone's experience is different and everyone's healing is different.

So what you're supposed to do with this stuff is whatever you need to do to make it easier on you. Maybe some counseling or a support group would be helpful.

I was afraid to even post my experience...instead of all at once...I have told it bit by bit..
and I feel better for it...as unlike when I was in recovery...everyone is supportive.

But I am not about to let any survivor be abused here on DU if I can do anything to stop It.

I was seven years old and sexual assaulted by an older boy...
Luckily my father drove by the near by gravel road

I am sorry that you had to experience that.



I hope this place is a good place of support to you.

WE are here when you need to talk.