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Ilsa

(62,239 posts)
Thu Mar 5, 2020, 09:23 PM Mar 2020

Bad news in the family has turned my MIL into an ugly person.

She had been doing pretty well recently. Then my husband and I were notified in the morning by his cousin that her brother had died. I told my spouse that I didn't want to give his mom the bad news on my own and I'd wait and we'd tell her together.

Then she found out from her other son about the death, and told me that her other son would tell her granddaughter. Turns out, the other son said that she told him that she would tell her granddaughter. But somehow, I got blamed for the granddaughter nit being notified.

And it wasn't in a kind way. Every malevolence was included in the attack on me, including ancient history. I was told that I was not family, and that her family all hate me. She jyst wanted to be vicious. I finally decided I wasn't going to take the abuse any more and I insisted she return to her basement apartment and leave me alone. Furthermore, her drama was upsetting my special needs son.

She also turned on her son, my husband. She called the police on him because he wouldn't give her the phone number of her niece, his cousin, so she could harass her. We spent an hour dealing with the police call, showing them her meds for her dementia, and explaining that the death in the family set her off.

The next morning she told me she was filing charges against her son, claiming he manhandled her trying to take her phone away (didn't happen). She hasn't done that, but I worry that it could happen.

I am of the opinion that we are not required to put up with abuse when those with dementia are living in an alternate reality. I also feel like the abuse should not be tolerated, but shut down by simply walking away from it.

Is there any reason to have to listen to offensive crap?

I have that other thread in this forum.

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Wellstone ruled

(34,661 posts)
1. No fun walking on egg shells.
Thu Mar 5, 2020, 09:27 PM
Mar 2020

So common with dementia patients to go off into never never land. Whom every is or has Power of Attorney has to step up for the sake of the family. Know your pain,bee down that road more than once.

enough

(13,455 posts)
2. Dealing with the irrational and sometimes viscous hostility that can come
Thu Mar 5, 2020, 09:34 PM
Mar 2020

with dementia is one of the hardest things a caregiver can go through. And since it effects everyone in the family while it’s happening it can really turn into a hellish situation. Good for you for insisting that you and your son needed space and time away from it.

I wish I had some good advice, mostly just to say I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. Someday it will end.

3Hotdogs

(13,398 posts)
3. Does your town or county have a welfare office? Social worker?
Thu Mar 5, 2020, 11:25 PM
Mar 2020

Is there anyone with power of attorney?

Ilsa

(62,239 posts)
4. I'm probably going to call a social worker
Fri Mar 6, 2020, 06:44 AM
Mar 2020

to see if she can help her get involved in something with people in her age group several times per week. We have a state office in our town.

I tried to get her to join a church or group and be active, but she wants to do that within our home. I would not be able to bear that. Plus, my special needs son could physically hurt her and she would try to get in the way of the ABA techniques we use to correct his behavior.

3Hotdogs

(13,398 posts)
5. Were either her, or her husband veterans of V.N., Korea or WW II?
Fri Mar 6, 2020, 07:19 AM
Mar 2020

If so, go as soon as possible to the county Veterans Adm. office. There is a V.A. office for almost every county in the U.S.

Are there assets to protect? House? I.R.A.? Savings? If so, go as soon as possible to an elder law attorney. They are worth the money.

Ilsa

(62,239 posts)
6. No assets, except for two small
Fri Mar 6, 2020, 09:18 AM
Mar 2020

Bank accounts that her son is on.

Yes, her late husband was a veteran of Vietnam war, and was retired military. She may have VA benefits coming besides her TriCare For Life, and I was hoping the state social worker could help me with that.

3Hotdogs

(13,398 posts)
7. Fiat wait for the social worker because there are
Fri Mar 6, 2020, 12:32 PM
Mar 2020

Waiting lists for free residential dementia care.

She may already be entitled to a monthly stipend.

My mom got 1600 per month, then a bed in the NJ va hospital

Ilsa

(62,239 posts)
9. We are not looking for residential dementia care yet, but we should
Fri Mar 6, 2020, 04:54 PM
Mar 2020

Get on a waiting list for later.

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