in an attempt to soothe my soul (when i was a teenager) my mother used to say [View all]

"everything happens for a reason"
--to help me thru those angsty rollercoaster years of love and loss, of on again/off again friendships, relationships that ran hot and cold and some that were utterly devastating

it was said with the same intent as the phrase when one door closes another door opens
or look at it on the bright side
or every cloud has a silver lining

it was something my mom tried to offer me to give me hope that things will get better

"everything happens for a reason" (with the implication being that there was a good reason for the bad thing to happen but there is something better ahead)

(ah youth, right?)

while in the moment i was doubtful and skeptical i'd still try (sooner or later) to come around, wanting to believe her, to take it to heart in order to comfort myself thru the lows

then, at seventeen, a dear friend of mine, also seventeen, was murdered. (her killer was never caught btw)
that changed everything.

suddenly that consolation phrase of "everything happens for a reason" meant absolutely nothing
it felt like one big lie

after that, the next time my mom told me "everything happens for a reason" i yelled at her to never say that to me again. (and she never did.) i demanded to know what could possibly be the reason my friend had been brutally murdered; because some guy was mad at her or just mad at the world, or fucking crazy? i guess those are reasons but they aren't good reasons, justifiable reasons, rational reasons

there was no cloud with a silver lining. she was dead. dead, dead, dead

i broadened my perspective: the holocaust.
no good reason, no justifiable reason, nothing rational at all; crazy people, mad men, go along to get along "good" germans
there was no cloud with a silver lining
not a whisper. not a hint. not a bit.
and that horror and tragedy and devastation has lived on for generations

justice? maybe sometimes but there is no guarantee of it and it's not foolproof.
one word: trump

karma?
yeah...where is that? "what goes around comes around"
really? i don't think so.
one word: trump

i wish, i wish, i wish i was fourteen, fifteen, sixteen again with my mother telling me "everything happens for a reason" and i could assume it was a good reason, and, in spite of my skepticism, i would try with all my heart to believe what she said was true, that wrongs would be righted, that the universe was fair and just, that things would work out, and everything would be alright.

(god, i miss my mom. every day)

if you got this far then thanks for reading. i kept debating if i should just delete all this. i know it's a ramble and train of thought piece where i seem to jump the tracks a few times. sorry, i've been under the weather lately (good excuse, right?) (but true) and this was how my brain was gliding along tonight.