General Discussion

We will never ever again take American Airlines, so our safety and that of our luggage should get a boost there. As for the US CPB guys, that's pretty much a crap shoot. If it's someone who has done the job for years and knows what he/she is doing, their screen will show that we always come to the States about this time of year, and stay between 5 and 8 weeks, and as long as my wife's ESTA is still valid (it is until next year), we should sail through.

When I flew over in April, since I was by myself, I went into the line for US citizens. Just before me, there were three people traveling together. two of them appeared to speak no English, as the third one seemed to be translating for them. The CPB guy was clearly annoyed, he made a gesture to me to not approach, and I made a "no problem" gesture back. It took a few minutes, but another CPB guy arrived to cart the three people away. I just waited, and he seemed to appreciate my lack of hurry. I did the retina scan thing, and he just asked if I had any food. I said, no, I did this too often to make that mistake. He just smiled, said, welcome home, and waved me on.

My wife, usually the epitome of composure and grace, does not like to be kept waiting in line, and I sometimes have to talk her down. She is used to dealing with uncaring German bureaucrats who treat non-bureaucrats as irritants they are forced to deal with against their will. I remind her that she has to keep cool with people that have the power to shove her right back on the plane she came in on. She usually gets it. One time, she was visiting a girlfriend who lives in Vermont on the Canadian border. They just walked across. On the way back, she was checked by some idiot CBP guy who couldn't find her entry stamp from a month before. He only saw one from the past May, when we were in Washington for my nephew's college graduation. He asked when she was going home, and calculated (from the May stamp, not the July stamp that he missed) that she was overstaying her 90 days visa-free by one day. Rather than point out his incompetence, she went into her ignorant foreigner mode, and said, Oh, you are so right! I gave you the date of my arrival, but as you know, flights from here to Europe are overnight, so they leave the day before. He said, that's better, and let her in.

Being safe these days starts with being careful, and we certainly intend to be that. There are always a few hotheads in every plane, and we are perfectly content to let them draw all the negative attention to themselves, meanwhile being nice and docile, ourselves. Being a southerner, I can, if I need to, convincingly put on the "yes, sir" accent of a former drill sergeant, and that usually does it.

Once, in Boston, after the security check, when my beard was browner and I was leaner, some TSA guy came up to me and told me I had "been randomly designated for a further security check." Random, my ass, but whatever. He was expecting some anger or frustration on my part. Instead, I went into my former southern drill sergeant mode, acted as if the whole thing had been my idea in the first place, and said, "alright, sir, let's get it done!" He was so unprepared for that reaction, that he ran a hand up one of my legs, said thank you, and got lost. The "random further security check" lasted about two and a half seconds. I don't look the part, and that is something I can't change, but I can sound the part, and that is usually enough. After all, in Boston, they just KNOW what Southerners are supposed to sound like, don't they?